Today is mostly just for my assignment from the Conscious Parent workbook. Interestingly enough, though, it relates very closely to the issues I'm dealing with in my relationship. Does that surprise me? There has been so much synchronicity over the past few days. At least 4 weird, bizarre incidences:
I was looking up at work what walls mean in dreams, logged out for break, and was walking through the call center. As I passed, I heard one guy say to another, "What's a wall?" Twice. I can't even fathom in what context someone would actually even say that. Everyone knows what a wall is. Then, Joth and I were emailing and I was trying to make the serious smiley but I couldn't find the straight line on my keyboard. As a matter of fact, I can't find it on this one either. So instead, I did -_- and he emailed me back to inform me that is "flatulent face". I'm pretty sure he made that up, by the way. Anyway, as I was reading his email, I heard Orrin and Mary Jo talking behind me talking about having gas, and their kids farting in the bath tub. Then, I was driving home thinking about how good it feels to be "high" and wishing it could just stay like this forever. Just then, I heard Taylor Swift singing "You can tell me when it's over, if the high was worth the pain..." I can't remember the other one. It happened last night and I told myself I'd make a mental note, but I can't recall. That's the wonder of a full moon for you, right?
So anyway, I don't necessarily believe that it's any "coincidence" that this week in the Conscious Parenting workbook, I am working on identifying triggers. And it just so happens that my entire relationship has almost been destroyed, twice, by my reaction to being triggered. I must do better than this. I have to. It's just that, in these moments, it's like I'm hallucinating. I don't see him for the wonderful person he is. My mind turns him into a monster and I lash out, but then it's like I come to my senses and I see him broken and bleeding, his normal sweet self, and there is no monster. There never was a monster. No, that's not entirely accurate either. There is. But it turned out to be ME all along. This is horrible.
Anyway, I have a lot to work on with this assignment, so without further ado, time to copy and paste.
The Conscious Parent Class 1: Introduction to Triggers Homework:
Read Chapters 1‐6. -- Done
Write a mission statement describing your parenting and your family as you would for a business and bring it back to share with the group next week. -- My mission for my family is to create a loving, peaceful environment for my children which fosters growth, compassion, and curiosity. I will model behaviors and tools that will demonstrate to them acceptable ways for expressing emotions. I will guide, support, listen to, and encourage my children. I will respect their opinions and we will grow and evolve together as a family.
Create an ongoing list of triggers you notice and journaling at least one moment you noticed yourself being triggered and how you responded. -- So far, my list:
-- Tristan ignoring me when I say to do something
-- Tristan walking out the door before I am ready
-- When Tristan steps on my yoga mat with his shoes on
-- When Tristan makes a lot of noise while I am blogging
-- Messy room w/things taken out and not put away
-- Seeing Tristan got into or messed with things that are not his
-- Having to repeat myself multiple times and being IGNORED and he does something totally different from what I told him to do
-- Tristan wasting time making me late, dawdling and being slow
This Week’s Idea: Can I slow down enough to notice my trigger moments? Can I identify moments when I am being emotionally reactive rather than rationally responding? We will be referring to the acronym S.T.O.P throughout this course. Here is the portion we will consider this week. S‐ Slow Down T‐ Trigger Moment O‐ P‐ Discussion Questions:
What are some traits of a 'good parent'? What do they do? What do they not do?
A "good parent" remains calm. She engages with her children and does not get frustrated with them. She is always available for them and makes them her priority. She does not let them walk all over her. She sets boundaries and enforces them. She does not physically discipline her children. She views her children as people with just as much worth as any other person. She values the opinions of her children. She keeps her children safe and provides for their physical needs. She listens to her children. She plays with her children. She teaches her children. She models good behavior and keeps herself under control so they can learn from her appropriate ways of handling their emotions.
How would you describe your parenting style?
I have a more laid back parenting style. My children feel comfortable coming to me with any problem and talking to me. I relate to them on their level. However, my parenting style is also pretty...permissive, in that when I set boundaries, I do not enforce them. I make idle threats or do not follow through on consequences. I get frustrated with them when they don't do what I told them to do and yell more than I should. But I am always there for them, supportive of their interests and endeavors, and open to having new experiences as a family. I am always looking for ways we can bond by sharing fun activities, laughing, and showing affection with plenty of hugs. I am compassionate and empathetic, helpful and supportive. But I am not firm or in control, or consistent.
What experiences or people have influenced your current parenting style the most?
My parents were so controlling. They tried to dictate every aspect of my life, well into adulthood. In an effort to avoid that, I think I have gone to the opposite extreme. Also, having lost custody of Jewel and having Tristan have been gone for a couple of years has also influenced my parenting style because when I only had them 2 weekends a month, I was afraid to do anything that would cause any negativity and ruin our weekend. Since we had such limited time together, I wanted that time to be good the whole time. I wanted them to remember it fondly. I wanted to create happiness and memories they would cherish, so I was afraid to upset them by enforcing boundaries. And finally, I have so much guilt about the way I allowed my ex-husband to discipline my son that I feel like I need to make up for it by coddling him now.
What does “Slow Down” mean to you?
It means to pause during the process of reacting to a trigger. To take time to identify what happened, recognize the feelings that came up, and evaluate next steps.
What commonly happens when we don’t “Slow Down”?
The situation snowballs out of control and we let our anger take over and react from that place. We say and do things we will later regret. We become unconscious and unaware, and fail to remain present.
What are triggers?
Things that happen that touch some sore spot in us, that "strike a nerve", that prompt us to react because of our interpretation of what has happened as it relates to our own inner hurts or past conditioning.
What are some common triggers that you struggle with? Make a list. Think about what your child does that makes you crazy, situations that frequently elicit an emotional response, ways of being that you are resistant to.
Done
How do I feel (disrespected, annoyed, angry, frustrated, etc.) in these moments?
Angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, unheard, unimportant, invisible, disrespected, ineffective
Note from Shefali: The OVERALL IDEA of this book is this: We parent from our unconscious projections which we then put on our children who then are not allowed to emerge from their authenticity. Everything is a projection until we awaken into a more conscious state. The more aware we become, the more free our children will be to be who it is they are. The moment we FULLY acknowledge this, we will begin taking that pivotal pause between act and reaction. The degree to which we are in touch with OUR essence will be the degree to which our children are in touch with THEIRS. Essence meaning that which connects us all, that there is no wrong or right, only projection, that LIFE is our partner. ENJOY! You are RIGHT ON, Shefali
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