Okay, soooooooooooo mood tracking. Manic. It's a little annoying when you LOVE sleep and you have time to get MORE sleep, but your body won't cooperate. Oh well. I got up early today. I stayed in a state of denial for about an hour before I gave up trying to sleep more, then I texted Joth. TEXTED isn't a WORD? Get with the program, spell check.
So I'm drinking espresso and cream right now, listening to music, being happy. I cleaned up the apartment because Tristan's home based counselor is coming to meet with me today. I don't even want to tell you how long it's been since I did yoga. Well, I did it the Monday right before my period, which came on a Tuesday, and I decided I'd take 3 days off because...well, I'm lazy, let's put it that way. But I already know that when I disturb a routine, it's SO hard to get back on track!!!! This Sunday, though, begins a new week and I'll jump right back on that horse. Anyway, yoga feels so GOOD. Every time I get on the mat, I loooooooooove it. So I just can't understand why it's so hard to motivate myself to just start. Once I start, I don't NEED motivation to finish, because I enjoy it so much! I'm such a fool sometimes.
Here's a thing I noticed yesterday. I'm in the midst of analyzing this and trying to figure it out. There is a pattern. This pattern began when I was with Noe, so I assumed it was him, but it is happening now with Joth. So, there will come a period where I become so intensely swelled with euphoric love and affection that I feel I could burst. I am radiating so much adoration toward this person, feel the intensity of our connection, and am over-the-top ecstatic about the relationship. I call it the "love bubble". I named it that when I was with Noe. Anyway, inevitably when I'd be flying high on the love bubble, immediately after that something would go wrong and POP it and I'd go CRASHING down to the ground, angry, hurt, disappointed. It. ALWAYS. Happened. It got to the point where I couldn't even fully enjoy the love bubble, because it became to me a warning of bad things to come.
Well, knowing what we now know about Noe, it makes sense. It was a bad relationship, yes. BUT. He could basically read my mind. He would do the thing where he would text me when I was about to text him. He knew what I was thinking. So, to that end, I would venture to say that while it was a toxic connection, we did have some karmic ties and the purpose of what transpired between us was definitely to contribute to our highest good.
ANYWAY, so when I felt those feelings...I felt like I was picking up on vibes that he was transmitting, too. And that they were a match for what I was feeling, which then in turn amplified my own feelings of love and passion. So I'd get all excited about seeing him that night or whatever, and inevitably he'd cancel on me. Make up some lie or excuse, because (unbeknownst to me at the time) he was staying home with his wife. Why was it always at my most heightened levels of euphoric admiration that he'd cancel on me, start a fight, lie, shut me out? I never understood. It doesn't matter now, though, right? I didn't think so.
But now...it happened yesterday, with Joth! I don't even know what happened! The love was flowing, high and bright between us. I felt like I was glowing, vibrating with this magnified amplified supersonic heart-melting mind-bending LOVE. And sure, there was a healthy dose of lust mixed in there. But the lust was like an activator, synergistically blending with the love, each boosting the other, skyrocketing me high into the land of utopian love bliss. I thought we were on the same page. I couldn't wait to get home and talk to him.
Then I did. And I texted him. And he took 20 minutes to text back, which usually doesn't happen, but he was busy and that's no big deal. Then I texted back, finished eating, and texted back again and just...nothing. I got so mad! The whole drive home, I was preoccupied with nothing but YOU, obsessing over you, fixated on you, nothing in the WORLD was as important as talking to YOU. And in comes those worthless EXPECTATIONS, the ASSUMPTION that he was feeling the same too. That he mirrored my state. That the feelings were mutual, reciprocated. That he was just as excited to talk to me. I guess he wasn't. Instant deflation. The love bubble....popped....and I fell. It added insult to injury to find out later that he had "gotten a phone call". When I call him, most of the time he doesn't answer! Who is it that's so important that you will, for one, answer the phone...and for two, choose to speak with them rather than me? Who trumps me, at 1 am? Salt. In. The. Wound.
This is the part I don't understand. How can I, at one moment, feel such an intense connection...only to, abruptly and in the very next moment, feel completely shut out? What IS that? What does it mean? How can we swing from one extreme to another? "I can't get enough of you" to "I don't have time for you"? I was able to explain how I felt without attacking him or starting a fight, but I'm not going to lie -- it was HARD. Plus, I thought that if I handled things differently, suddenly life would be all sunshine and roses (I say that a lot, I know) and we'd never have another argument and we'd exist permanently in a state of perfect love and understanding.
Guess what, that didn't happen. When I'm mad, or sad, or hurt, my first instinct is to release those emotions by expelling them. Usually this comes at the expense of another, or myself. Then I am sorry. So I didn't do that. But there was no release. I was better for a minute, actually in truth, I was better until I started typing this. Then I started thinking about it and got angry all over again. I don't want to be a prisoner of my emotions! Here's the thing, though. The thing holding them inside, the thing that won't allow me to release them. The fear child inside of me that I am trying to rationalize with is saying, if you had listened to me before, you would have left Noe before he destroyed your life. If you don't listen to me now, you will regret it again. I'm trying to protect you. He doesn't love you.
Which is stupid, because I KNOW he loves me. I TRUST him. That little girl personification of fear which still dwells within me, though, does not believe that any man ever can love me, or be honest with me, and if those doubts exist than how can I ever transcend them? What can I do???????????
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