Sunday, March 8, 2015

Heads will Roll



I'm guessing the Red Queen was probably bipolar, or perpetually PMSing, or both.  I have thought for a long time that I have PMDD -- premenstrual dysphoric disorder.  Basically, it's PMS on steroids.  I can't trust myself that week.  I can tell myself I'll be totally calm, and feel no hint or indication that anything could perturb me.  Then someone walks in with a green shirt on and for some reason I'm ready to declare war on their entire family because today, green reminds me of shamrock shakes at McDonald's and I remember someone who used to buy me shamrock shakes who later ended up slashing all the tires on my car and I AM FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!  FUCK YOU AND YOUR GREEN SHIRT, THOSE FUCKING TIRES WERE EXPENSIVE, YOU BITCH!!!!"

Anyway, I decided to research PMDD and discovered that if you are bipolar and find yourself losing all connection with reality the week (or 2) before your period, it is called PME.  Premenstrual exacerbation...of an existing condition.  I'm so volatile.  It doesn't help that this combines with a manic episode, which on its own would probably be lovely.  It's a shame that the euphoria has to be tainted with stress and converted into irritability and rage.  What a waste of a good manic episode.  It's sunny, I should be dancing in my kitchen, singing and cleaning.  But no.  What do I do.  I don't even deserve to have any friends.  This is probably why I isolate myself.  

I know me.  I know that even if you think you can handle me, you can't.  Or even if you can, you won't deserve what I give you.  And you may forgive me, but it will hurt.  And you may stay with me, but at some point, it won't be the same.  You may say you will love me forever but I know you won't, you can't, not like you did.  And it will be all my fault.  I already know I'm going to destroy it, it's the story of my life.  There is a 90% divorce rate among bipolar individuals for a reason.  Shit, so far I'm 0 for 2.  I know what I'm capable of.  And I'm sure that subconsciously, this is why I date people who deserve it.  I won't feel bad if I unleash my irrational fury upon an inconsiderate alcoholic who verbally and/or physically abuses me.  I can justify it, because he deserves it.  But if you're good to me?  And I can't get myself to be good to you?  Well then I can't let it go.  And I can't forgive myself.  And I can't convince myself that I'm lovable, and if you tell me that you love me I believe deep down somewhere that sooner or later you won't.

Believe it or not, writing this entry is very cathartic for me because things are coming out as I write that I didn't even know were there.  I love my family and I know they love me.  I'm not trying to be slanderous or to place blame upon them.  They did the best they could -- and besides, I know that parenting is hard, and I'm messing up my own kids right along with every single other parent on planet earth.  I am not judging.  But when someone tells you that they love you, you trust them.  You think that means no matter what, especially when it's a parent.  You think that means that they will always be there for you, whatever you do.  You think love means always, unconditional.  You don't ever imagine that love would be withdrawn from you.

But one day, it is.  You work and you strive and you change, transform yourself and your life, to regain that approval.  You try to become what it is that can be loved again.  You eventually earn it back.  You mostly forget about the previous abandonment, but not all of you.  Not all the way.  Somewhere deep inside, you remember.  And when it happens again?  How can you ever trust anyone when they say that they love you?  It has been clearly demonstrated to you that love must be earned, and can be lost.  Knowing yourself -- knowing your tendency to mess up, knowing that you make mistakes, knowing that you make bad decisions -- remembering that those bad decisions have led to judgement, and loss of love, how can you ever take comfort in anyone's love ever again?  How can you feel safe with it?  How can you trust that forever really means forever?  How can you believe that you are worthy of unconditional love, if even your parents couldn't?  

I'm sorry but I have to stop and cry now.  I just really can't handle myself today.


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