You know, for the longest time I thought the lyrics at that part of the song were, "Wrapped up like a douche", and I never could understand why the hell a weird-ass song like that would become so popular. It turns out that the song is about cocaine, or at least that's what I've heard. I heard the same about Gold Dust Woman. Oooh, I really want to hear that song right now. Stevie Nicks, or Courtney Love? Both. I love them both.
I don't feel that it's necessary to report my current state, do you? I think it's pretty obvious. This morning, I wondered if the mania was ending because I actually slept until 9. I went back to sleep when I got back from picking up the kids, also, but not really because I was tired. It's just so very cold in here today, and there's nothing else to do under the covers except sleep. Well, I could read. Except Tristan has broken every charging cord for my kindle except one, which I lost. Temporarily misplaced, I'm sure I'll find it.
This is a very HAPPY, productive, optimistic, positive mania. I'm so motivated. I can't slow down long enough to eat, and I had a hard time forcing myself to stop earlier so I could pee. My bladder had been full for like an hour but I was just so busy. My kids aren't driving me crazy, I'm patient and understanding, and for the last few days I've been pretty bubbly on the phones at work, too. Level-headed in my relationship, which is also wonderful. I do a lot more cooking and baking when I'm up, too, which is why today I made a homemade chicken pot pie (well, I made the filling, but I'm going to actually bake the pie tomorrow and bring it down to Joth's) and next I'm making a new strawberry scones recipe I found while I was surfing the web between phone calls last night at work.
I love this, on one hand. On the other hand, a part of me is being...oh, what's the word? It's not quite cynical. I guess I would just say negative. Suddenly, parenting is a breeze and I feel like a wonderful mother again! My relationship woes have melted and all I see is a clear horizon and a bright future, full of amazing possibilities! So what is there to be negative about? Well, I worry that this is temporary. That I haven't actually changed, I mean, who changes THAT quickly, right? Wasn't I just whining in an entry less than a week ago about how I was trying so hard to change, and just couldn't do it, and I didn't deserve to be alive? Let me tell you a secret, that day I was teetering on the edge of suicidal. Please don't be alarmed, I would never do that to my children. But I just didn't want to be here. I was so done.
And now? Suddenly I just CHANGED? I'm really happy, right, but...again, the perfect word escapes me, but I know there is one. I'm not letting myself get too happy about it because mania never lasts, and what will happen when it ends? Will I be yelling again? Too tired to clean? Dull, flat, angsty, argumentative, unmotivated?
It's hard to enjoy this, because I know I don't get to keep it. But I want to. At least I'll probably be Miss Sunshine for most of the summer, but how do I make it last? I feel like THIS is ME. All winter, I've been stuffed tight down into this restrictive shell, trying to get out. Now I've busted out and I'm talking to people and I'm not afraid and I'm ready to do things and life is sparkly and everything is going my way. I need to figure this out. I need to crack the code. There must be a way!
Hmmmm, I feel like I was going to talk about something. I do not remember what it is, though. I get to see Joth tomorrow! I'm so excited! I'm also going to meet with the people at the Montessori school on Monday morning, this is going to be so great! I got a little overwhelmed because if he's going to school there, I have until the beginning of next school year to find a place there, and then if THAT happens of course I need to find a JOB there, and even though I have a whole bunch of time, I just worry, worry, worry. I feel like I have to have it all solved now, which is nonsense. Everything's going to work out, I know it, but I wish I had a preview. It would be nice to have some reassurance, because I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants.
And as far as the housing thing goes, it's becoming more real and I'm getting nervous about that. I want to see Joth every single day. I want to have coffee and deep conversations every morning, and snuggle every night. Nothing sounds more perfectly blissful than that. It's weird, though. I was talking to Asia about him, going on about how perfect and amazing he is and that it sucks that he lives all the way in Battle Creek. She said, "I'm sure you guys will be able to figure out how to make the connection work if it is the right thing for you both. Just stay in Trust, Love. There must be value to this current distance between you..."
Then, when the counselor was over and we were going over Tristan's history, he told me that he was proud of me for getting out of the relationship with Noe and I admitted it hadn't been easy, and if not for my children, I probably couldn't have done it. I explained how I had been financially dependent on him and I had no place to go, and how at 6 months pregnant in October I had even slept in my car a couple times. It was the same when I was with Andrew -- we lived together, I had no job, no car, no money, and nowhere to go. It was so hard to get out.
Now obviously I wouldn't be with Joth if I thought things were going to go down that road. But suddenly I realized my hesitation at actually living together, because once our lives are tangled up together, it's not so simple to just leave. Sharing an address weaves the threads from each of your tapestries into one, and breaking free becomes a complicated matter. Again, I'm not saying that I imagine that I would ever DREAM of wanting to leave. But a certain feeling of panic sets in when I think about taking that step. I am really sure about him. But I have this automatic response that almost feels like it would be walking into a trap.
I hate to say it that way because I love him so incredibly unbelievably much! My misgivings have nothing whatsoever to do with him. He's been the most amazing, illuminating, compassionate, warm, patient, understanding, incredibly unbelievable boyfriend I ever could have even imagined. I am so in love. MAN, I am SO COLD! I guess I need to fire up the oven again and make those scones. Au revoir!!!!!!!!
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