Attractive picture of me, eh? Yeah, I know. That wasn't even the most painful part. This was about one minute before I met Sienna for the first time. Last week, I had my second annual visit with her.
First of all, let me back up a little. Ugh, that last entry...what the hell was I even TALKING about? That may have been the best energy shot I've tried so far, but I will never attempt to blog again after drinking one. I really wanted to talk about the significance of the eclipse/equinox/new supermoon and how it related to new beginnings and my 6 month anniversary with Joth. I did, a little, but I followed too many meandering thoughts to nowhere. Anyway, to wrap that up, it is a new beginning for us and I have vowed to make positive changes. This is the dawning of a new era for me, one of positivity and kindness, support and understanding, patience and peace. What I have always done has never worked. If this doesn't, what else would be worth pursuing?
Okay, back to Sienna. Soooooo I met her and her parents at McDonald's, the same one we met at last year. She's very active so the play place was a good choice for her. I was so nervous. I get last-minute nerves, though. Like right before my first date with Joth, it didn't even hit me until I was sitting at the table waiting for him. Then all of a sudden, full-force, I was feeling "Oh SHIT this is really about to happen, this amazing incredible guy is going to walk right through that door any minute and what the hell am I going to say or do to make him glad he did????"
So I was at Target, getting kitty litter. I went to the book section to get her book. I have a tradition (I say tradition, but this is only the second year -- I do plan to continue, though). I started writing poetry because of Shel Silverstein. Specifically, my first and second grade teacher would read us a poem of Shel Silverstein's every day right before show and tell. By second grade, instead of an object from home, I was sharing a poem I had written myself for show and tell. This was a pivotal part in me becoming who I was, and developing an appreciation for poetry. Because I wanted Sienna to always have some connection to me, I decided I'd give her a Shel Silverstein book every year. Last year was A Giraffe and a Half. This year, I gave her The Giving Tree. I also wrote her a poem from me on the inside cover of each.
So anyway, I was over by the books. I saw the traditional stories commonly read to young children -- Love You Forever being one of them. That book makes me cry every time, I swear. Right then, the gravity of the adoption hit me. I WILL love you forever. But I'm missing your entire life. I'm not even the one who gets to read that to you every night. Sometimes, you just feel the full void of everything you've missed and will never get back. I regained my composure, grabbed the book, and went to the toy section. Dolls, tea sets, games, stuffed animals. What does she like? What do two year old girls do? It's been so long since I had a two year old. I HAVE a two year old. What will I say if someone asks me if I need help? Yes, I need help buying a gift for my two year old daughter. I have no idea what she likes. Sadness.
Everything was fine, though. I got home, and as the time approached, my anxiety grew and grew. I knew I needed to get ready but I was so beyond nervous that I couldn't even get up off the couch and finish doing what I needed to do. I felt frozen. Joth was wonderfully supportive and encouraging and he helped me get that part out of the way. He reminded me of the 4,7,8 breathing again. As soon as I did that, I felt a little more capable and finished getting ready. My chest was in knots, though, and I could barely breathe. All this, just to meet a two year old? How bad could it be? But I was so worried. What if she's scared of me? What if she doesn't like me? What if she doesn't know who I am? What if she DOES? What do I do? What do I say?
Anyway, I got there and she was bashful for about 10 seconds. I gave her the gifts and she got SO excited when she opened the book. "Ooooh! A BOOK!" she said. She came over and sat on my lap and we read it together. She was really into it! Then we had a tea party with the tea party set I brought her. Her parents talked to me while we sat there, sharing how strong-willed she is. I smiled. They also said that at her appointments, they have a checklist of things and if she is meeting half of them, she is on track. She always meets all of them plus some for the next visit. Her doctor told Mike and Kelli that they are raising a genius. It made me really happy, but it also made me a little sad.
On one hand, I'm missing out on that. On the other, could I have handled it? Could I have provided the resources and opportunities that a gifted child would really need to reach her full potential? Or would the toxic circumstances have damaged her? I'm not surprised she's so smart, and that isn't me tooting my own horn or anything. Noe is also very intelligent. He's scary smart, though -- he can figure things out about you that there is no logical explanation for. He can seek out vulnerabilities you didn't even know you had. He can decipher your programming and hack it. He would be, like, the evil genius. I'm so happy that Sienna has a loving, warm, supportive, healthy environment to thrive in. She's capable of amazing things. I was able to talk to her just as I talk to my other two children and she had full awareness. It was a little odd, seeing that level of awareness in such a tiny body. It made me happy though.
Anyway, after our tea party, we played in the play place. We were like best buddies. She held my hand and lead me through the maze of tubes and ladders like a fearless explorer. We talked about static electricity and went down the slide about a thousand times. We went back to sit down and she started getting a little hyper. "Daddy, please, ice cream?" She was jumping up and down saying, "Happy BURTDAY! Happy BURTDAAAAAAYYYYYYY!" I decided they probably wanted to get her home, so I politely excused myself. It had been about an hour. When I told her that I was leaving, she came and gave me the squishiest hug. When I waved goodbye, she blew me like 5 or 6 exuberant kisses. She's so vibrant. She's beautiful, intelligent, charming, and sweet. It's good to be reminded that something so beautiful can come from the deepest depths of misery your soul traverses through. That is, as I have said before, from whence the lotus blossoms.
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