Happy full moon!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO, I should tell you about that dream I just had before I forget. PS, a tip for remembering your dreams if you have trouble -- wake up for a little while, earlier than you usually would. Go back to sleep. Usually the dreams I have during that "second round" of sleep are the ones I remember.
It's fading, as I knew that it would. I was sure I would remember everything, and maybe it'll come back again. But here's what I remember so far: I lived in a giant house with a bunch of other people. I was with that other girl, the girl who is so often with me in dreams that I never actually see. Honestly, I'm sure it's me also. In dreams, I am two people. Usually, not always. Like, if I'm on a quest or adventure, I am two. It might not be me, though. That's just a theory. Maybe it's a spirit guide or something? I don't know. This wasn't an exciting quest, in fact it was one of my recurring nightmares where I have to hide from something in a giant house, and I keep looking for hiding places. Before the hiding began, though, this is what happened:
"We" went downstairs and there was a little boy playing in a wading pool. Maybe 8. In fact, he WAS 8, I know that for sure. He had a gun. There was a dog swimming around in the pool, and the boy asked, "How do you shoot something?" and I said, "You point the gun at it and pull the trigger." He said, "What happens if I point the gun at someone and pull the trigger?" and I said, "They will die". He then shot the dog and showed absolutely no remorse. I knew he had done it on purpose, that he was cold and heartless. I became panicked and afraid. OMG this kid was a fucking psychopath. I started to run. This began the running/hiding phase. This boy, who was now a man, kept chasing me with this gun. I would hide, in the walls, under piles of clothes, in dark dusty attics.
Finally, I became tired and he became amused. I refused to get a gun. I knew I could beat him if only I had a gun too, but I didn't believe in violence and refused to do it. Eventually, though, I realized he would eventually catch me and he knew it too. So we met up to have a chat and decided that since we both knew that it was inevitable, we'd set a date for him to kill me. That's when things got really weird. I went from feeling helpless to...well, it became sort of an erotic feeling. He had all this power over me. He was switching between Andrew (Tristan's dad) and Noe (Sienna's dad). I felt this feeling take over, like a drug, all I felt was powerful lust and surrender. I didn't even care that he was going to kill me. I didn't even try to run away. I'm not going to lie, the sex was amazing. This is disturbing, by the way.
Eventually I did come to my senses and tried to hide again. While I was looking for a place upstairs between the walls, I ran into this group of people. I don't remember any of them except for this girl. (I have no idea what that means. I have never ever in my life been "between walls" in a house. Is that even a place? Isn't that where mice live? A person couldn't fit there, could they? Well in my dreams, there are usually big spaces between the walls, lots of nooks and crannies and dark attics to hide in.)
She was a lot like me. (She wasn't me) She was confident, extroverted, and flirtatious. She was a writer. She awed everyone with her brilliance and she wanted ME. We ended up in the bedroom. She was very dominant also, but not in an evil way. How do I explain this? She took control also, but not out of disregard. She actually saw me and respected me as a person and we were both having fun together. She didn't belong to me, or anyone. I was okay with that. PS, I don't know what happened to the killer. I remember telling this girl about him, and that I was trying to hide from him, but after that...I don't know. This is all I remember.
So, other than that, oh my goddess. Have you ever been SO WRONG? Like, 100% sure that you knew what was going on, only to find out that the situation was nothing like what you had imagined? That just happened to me. Apparently, Joth had not realized that I didn't have my phone with me on Friday. I did tell him 3 different times, but looking through my missed calls, I truly believe that he didn't even register that in his mind. So, by the time he got to the point where he was giving ME the silent treatment, he thought that I had been ignoring him since I got out of work Friday night. And, he had tried to call me several times on Saturday and didn't respond to my Facebook messages because he wanted me to CALL him. Not realizing that, without a phone, I couldn't.
This makes everything different, doesn't it? I was so HURT. I felt so unloved, rejected, insignificant. I thought, how can you just IGNORE someone you love? Leave someone out on your porch, freezing, refusing to open the door? How can you say you love someone but have no qualms about completely ignoring them? Well, I did it to him, didn't I? Yeah, I ignored him for like 3 days because he gave me the silent treatment. Is it possible that HE was ignoring ME because he thought I had done it first? Ohhhhhhhhhh. I feel like such an asshole for assuming that he would be so inconsiderate. Why didn't I give him more credit than that? Why did I jump to the worst conclusion? What an unfortunate misunderstanding. :(
Asia/Freebird/Sarah/Purple Petunia (that's her Facebook alias, and I LOVE it, because mine is Lavender Lemon!) sent me a message on Facebook. She said, "Okay...I'm starting to suspect...we are Kindred, but so Kindred that we are both so introverted and hermit-y that we may never have an in-person relationship and we are both totally okay with this...Am I just creating this in my mind?"
So, I messaged her back -- she lives in the intentional living community (the commune) and I had some questions about that, also the Montessori school her son goes to. She told me that all of the families from the JR house moved into another house, this one for families, and there is a suite opening up in October. She can get me first dibs on it. Also, she told me about this school her son goes to now (the Montessori school was $800/month -- yikes!) which is free, 2 blocks from the commune, and FANTASTIC. Oh, and it so happens that they are doing open enrollment NOW for next year. The kicker? I went to their website and discovered that they have an open house on the 18th between 4 and 7. Normally, I'd be working during those hours...but that day....just that day....I have off, because of Tristan's conferences.
Child Discovery Center
I'm conflicted. I seem to be pulled in this direction, and it seems to be best for Tristan. Oh! Also, she has a referral for me for someone who takes a holistic approach to ADD to try that out before medication. But, what about my relationship? Is this just an indication that maybe...we're going in different directions? I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that we're twin flames, never doubted that even when I thought I couldn't handle the work this relationship brought for me to do on myself. But is it our destiny to actually share this lifetime? I don't know. I love him so much, but it looks like moving to Grand Rapids might be what's best for my child. And what kind of mother would I be if I didn't have his best interests at heart? He's reached a crisis point. I have to do anything and everything in my power to support him. *sigh*
So much food for thought. Speaking of food, I need to take a shower and go pick up some churros for the potluck. I don't feel like making rice again, and besides, if I buy chicken broth and salsa, I won't have enough money to get the churros. Adios!
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