Okay, woah. Baaaaaaaaaaaaby steps. Yesterday was rough. Life is a little unpredictable at the moment, and it does make me a bit uncomfortable not knowing where I'm going. I read this quote on Facebook today, though, talking about how the ego views the present moment as an obstacle, something to overcome to get to this magical "future" where everything is finally great and we are happy. But when the future gets here, well, it's now...another obstacle, another moment to contend with before we get to the one we really want.
I'm sure some people waste entire lifetimes that way. This moment is not perfect. This moment is not the end. This moment is not permanent. But this moment is now, and now is what matters right now. I have plenty to celebrate in this moment. I have caught myself in the web of what-ifs and I was so despondent. Yesterday was bad. I can't worry about every single day to come, and solve all the problems ahead of time that I will face. What will be will be.
Today, I picked Tristan up from school and brought him to Community Mental Health. They called me yesterday and told me that I could get him in after school with a crisis counselor, but Andrew and Sarah could/would not take him. It's either Tristan misses school or I miss work, then, and I can't miss any more work or I'll be fired. Anyway, I got to his school and he was being ridiculous. Running around the classroom, throwing pieces of newspaper everywhere. Not listening. His teacher told me about what had happened yesterday and showed me a bruise and some scratches on her arm from him. I can't understand what's happening.
He got in the car and we talked a bit. He said that he is worried that if he is good at his dad's that they will take him away from me. That made me sad, because I was expressing that very fear and he must have picked up on it. I want him to do well. I want what's best for him. Yes, I share the fear that they will try to gain custody. My ego has a big problem with all of this -- Sarah picked him up from school yesterday, took it upon herself to meet with his teacher, told Tristan that I'm a bad mom because I "don't discipline" him.
First of all, she doesn't know what the fuck happens or doesn't happen in this household. Secondly, I wouldn't consider her the benchmark of excellent parenting. I have been there at 1 AM to pick up Tristan from their house to find her passed out on the couch, baby crying in the swing, 2 year old scattering DVDs all over the floor, and the two girls and Tristan running around doing whatever. I get it, she's overwhelmed. I feel sorry for her, really -- 5 kids to take care of, including a newborn, and of course Andrew is nowhere in sight. How many times have I showed up to pick up Tristan and she has no idea where Andrew went because he took off when she fell asleep, leaving the kids to mind themselves? And I don't judge, not for that, but I DO judge her for having the audacity to judge ME. REALLY? Why does it bother me so much, anyway? Why does her opinion even matter? It doesn't. UGHHHHHHHHHHH though.
So anyway, Tristan met with the guy who will be his home based counselor today. I liked him a lot, he was really nice and funny. Tristan was so embarrassing, though. He was rude a couple of times and he was rolling around on the floor at one point. He was talking in a baby voice and asking the guy if he could play video games. He seemed to take it all in stride, though. I'm sure he's seen worse. Anyway, they're going to get him scheduled for a psychiatric evaluation to get him on meds. Also, they are going to start the home visits after school at Andrew's house. He is going to come meet with me on Wednesday, though. I feel the stirrings of hope. Maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to hang on for dear life and everything WILL be okay.
What else is there to say? It's a new day, eh? What if all I do is stay in this moment and focus on the positive? I know that's easier said than done, but this is the season of transformation. I've done it once. I can do it again. Time to level up, bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You're not really a bitch. I just wanted to sound gangsta. LOL)
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