Happy Friday! I'm just chilling (literally -- it's freezing today) listening to Little Earthquakes, reminiscing of memories laced with the sound of Tori in the background. Man. I remember I used to listen to this CD, or Under the Pink, at least six times a day. I saw her in concert twice -- the best was when we got there and didn't know where our seats were, so we asked and were led toward the stage. Closer, and closer, looking at each other with excitement as we approached the stage. We ended up in the FOURTH ROW, right in the middle. It was amazing. I remember that look in her eyes...there's something fae, mischievous about Tori. Undoubtedly we are kindred. I love that lady. <3
Anyway, so I checked to see if she has a tour this summer, and unfortunately she does not. I think it's time I see her again. Brrrrr! I need to turn up the heat! It's almost April and it's snowing, but hey, this should be the last little cold snap before spring finally settles in. And I could NOT be more excited!!!
I woke up early again this morning. Still manic, but super super super SUUUUUUUUUUUUPERRRRRRRRRRRR happy. So it's all good. I got paid and I vowed last night to pay $1,000 on rent. You see, I'm almost a month behind. I thought maybe I should pay something on my fines because my license is also due to be suspended now, but I tried to call the courthouse and they are closed today. I should at least fix my headlight again, but how am I going to get my hood open? The struggle is real, yo. Hahaha.
So the counselor came yesterday and we talked at length about Tristan. Of course I talked too fast, and I talked too much, and I interrupted and I spent at least an hour kicking myself for that after he left. But, as a psychologist, I'm sure he can understand. He knows I have ADD, so hopefully he doesn't judge. I did my best.
Anyway, he wanted to know about Tristan's background and I was very candid about things. We went through a timeline from when I left his dad right before he was two and stayed in the domestic violence shelter, and how for about a year after that his father was barely involved in his life except sporadically when I would give him gas money, my bridge card for food, and diapers just so he would stay involved in his life. Then he met Sarah and suddenly wanted to be a father when Tristan was about 3, which I was in favor of. Then how at age 4 Tristan started having issues, wetting the bed, said Sarah had touched him and we went to CPS but nothing could be substantiated because Tristan wouldn't talk. And I wouldn't let Tristan go over there for a long time, then he started back on every other weekend, and finally I agreed to joint custody on the condition that Tristan would never be around Sarah's dad who is a registered sex offender.
I told him about how they had left Tristan overnight with her dad so I went for full custody, and my lawyer told me I had full custody and didn't have to let Tristan go over there, so I hadn't for a year. I had offered supervised visitation and we had set up 3 visits, all of which Andrew had failed to show up for, so I stopped scheduling them with him. Then I got into another abusive relationship and had just gotten out of the shelter when I heard that Andrew was going for full custody, so we did the guardianship with Blair and Rachel. Our one year agreement turned into two, his behavior got worse and they couldn't handle him anymore, so now about 2 months ago he finally came home and...here we are.
He is very concerned about Tristan's sexualized behavior, and in truth, I am too. I know something happened to him, but who? And what? I don't know. I hope counseling helps, though. His psychiatric evaluation is scheduled for April 6, so at that point, he'll be put on medication. I know that ADHD is a big part of this, but it's compounded by trauma and possibly sexual abuse. This is why I was begging Blair and Rachel to keep Tristan in counseling while he lived there, but my pleas always fell on deaf ears. They took him a couple random times, but never with any consistency. I don't care how much they claim to love him as his Aunt and Uncle, no one's got your back like your mom. I'm sorry, but it's true. Who else would take a bullet for my kids but me? Well, Jewel's father would. But Tristan's dad? Shit.
I love payday. It's such a happy day, even though my money is all spent already. I feel like I've been holding my breath for two weeks. Ahhhhhhh. Speaking of money, that reminds me to continue on with my job search. And I think I'll also do that tarot reading I've been promising Tet. I just went incommunicado for a month or so, I can't really place the reason because I've been mostly manic. It's strange because mania makes me more extroverted and social and confident, however I tend to ignore texts and phone calls more often during those periods. It's because I'm always so busy doing something else or thinking of something else that I can't take the time to focus on one thing long enough to send a message. It feels physically impossible. I can't overcome it. I do try, I just can't. Weird, eh?
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