Welcome to Aries!!!! I don't even know if I can sit still long enough to blog. I wouldn't blame mania, the fiery Aries influence, or even spring fever though. It's this energy shot WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is my favorite one so far.
When I get on a kick, I feel like a scientist. Once I catch on to something, I need to evaluate all of my options with testing and comparison. As a caffeine junkie, I progressed from coffee to espresso and energy drinks to energy pills to energy shots. It happened quite by accident -- I got to work one day, after having parked like a quarter of a mile away in the Boy Scouts parking lot. It was like a zillion degrees below zero, and I had forgotten my coffee cup in my car. Oh, the horror! In the cafeteria, I saw that there were 5 hour energy shots for sale. Better than nothing, right? So I bought one. I was pleasantly surprised!
Since there are so many energy shots available, I then decided to try them all. I can't even keep the music on right now while I blog, I keep getting up to dance and sing. So ANYway, 5 hour energy was not too bad. I saw this one at the local gas station which caught my interest because it has ephedra, and I thought ephedra was illegal. It turns out that ephedra EXTRACT is okay, and legal, but it IS different. Still, though, I enjoyed it about as much as the 5 hour energy. I was worried that energy shots would give me anxiety or could lead to a panic attack, but I found the high pretty pleasant with no jitters and no crash. Shit, I sound like a commercial. But honestly. When I drink Monsters, I do crash -- like I did yesterday.
When I went to Joth's last weekend, I grabbed one called Tweaker at the gas station when I left to get the pizza. Of course I bought it for the name, I did want kind of a speedy high. It doesn't make sense that one would crave that when they're already manic, right? I have even wondered that myself. Why is it that I crave stimulants when I'm on a high? Wouldn't you think it would be the opposite? I read, though, that this is common. You get a taste of the feeling, how great it feels, and you just want to keep going higher. That is why alcohol and cocaine are the top two abused drugs of bipolar people. Why alcohol, though? I don't really know. Why would you want to come DOWN?
I only use alcohol to combat anxiety. There are many things I am too afraid to say and do, and drinking a little bit gives me the confidence and courage to be comfortable just being me without worrying that everyone is looking and judging and criticizing and hating. Hahahaha OMG this entry is going ALL OVER THE PLACE. What did I even come here to talk about? FOCUS.
Oh yeah so this energy drink. It is RedLine Power Rush. I didn't even drink half the bottle. I'm dancing, singing, doing laundry, hula hooping, and now blogging. Poorly. Okay but now the title, let's catch up to where I am now since I already wasted all this time talking about nothing.
Last week Tuesday, I was at work and read an article that a CME (coronal mass ejection) AKA a PIECE OF THE SUN (kind of) was flying past Earth, interacting with our electromagnetic field, causing aurora borealis. I read that the solar storm was so strong that the northern lights would be visible here in Michigan, and I got super excited! I did see them on the way home.
You know what, my whole groove is all messed up now. I've been trying to blog and the kids are driving me crazy. It's like they have a sensor for when I'm trying to focus on something. I was out here hula hooping, dancing, and they were nowhere to be seen. Now that I'm trying to blog, they are being loud and obnoxious. I love them, don't get me wrong, and I'm definitely glad they're here. But WHY do they choose the most irritating time to be pains in the ass?
Anyway, so I saw the northern lights. The next day, I saw a rainbow on the way to work! I tried to take a picture (while I was driving), but you know how rainbows are. It barely showed up in the picture. That's okay, though -- I saw it, and that's what matters. I love looking at the sky. Everything that happens seems so magnificent, so important. I get such a kick out of all these cosmic coincidences and find meaning in everything. I really feel like the sky has such a story to tell. From shooting stars to rainbows, eclipses, auroras -- even sunsets and full moons. So much beauty and magic.
Soooooooo this past Friday, which would be yesterday, was my 6 month anniversary with Joth. In a way. Our first date was on the autumnal equinox, so 6 months would be the vernal equinox. Now, we weren't officially a couple on that day, but from that point on, there was no one but him. Not in my mind, not in my heart. Well, in a romantic sense, anyway. I came out to see him Wednesday night because Tristan is at his dad's this week. I thought if he could get an uninterrupted night of sleep, he might do better. I had no idea what else to do because no one could help me get him on medication.
Did I talk about how that went? At community mental health? I don't remember. Anyway they put him on a waiting list, Pine Rest can't help because he isn't on my insurance, Rachel flat out said she doesn't want any part of this and won't give her insurance information, and when I went to court to get the papers that the guardianship was terminated so she could drop him from her insurance and give me the document I need to add him to MINE, I found out the guardianship was NOT terminated and we have to go to court. In a month. In the meantime, he was getting sent home from school and I was told he couldn't come back to daycare until things were under control. Oh, one day after I paid ahead for two weeks. And I didn't even get my money back. But anyway that's in the past and there's no point in dwelling on the negative.
Sooooooo while I was at Joth's, things didn't go according to my expectations. However, they did go exactly the way they needed to in order to contribute to maximum growth and evolution of consciousness. While at times there were moments of frustration, fear, anxiety, disappointment, discouragement, and despair, in the end I came to know him better and understand how I can interact with him in a more loving way. We went to Denny's and talked, which was lovely. I read that this was the perfect time to set intentions and just completely reset, so I did. It's not always important to "win", or to be right. I need to focus more on connection and less on competition. I noticed that, more often than not, I was making him my adversary and I didn't even know why. I think it's because I had so much overwhelming frustration in my life, feeling so helpless and out of control, stuck in a spinning destructive spiral of misery. I couldn't contain it. I couldn't escape it. So I dumped it out on really the only person I interact with.
Anyway, so I suppose I should be happy (and I am) that Tristan had an AWESOME week while he was at his dad's. Something as simple as getting enough sleep...who knew? I'm so glad we found the problem. I'm so proud of him and so happy he finally had an entire good week! In fact, he didn't even want to go out for recess on Thursday -- he stayed inside and did math VOLUNTARILY. What. The. Fuck.
But what does this mean? Does that mean that what is best for him is to stay at his dad's? Will I be able to find a first shift job? What if I can't? Am I going to lose him AGAIN? But is it really right for me to keep him with me, performing poorly in school, on medication he may not even need, waking up in the middle of the night just because that's what I want?
I got my judgement of divorce and Tristan's birth certificate, so I just need to go to the Montessori school and finish the application process. I wonder, though. Am I making the right decision? Should I really uproot my entire life and go over there? Is this really what's best for my family? Will his dad try to interfere? Will I find a job over there? Should I still apply for the Emilia Reggio school in GR, just in case? I don't have an intuitive feeling either way. I know that everything is falling apart right now, which is always an indication that something needs to change. But what. What needs to be released?
Probably just my worries. I really need to organize my thoughts. Anyway it's time for lunch and I'm sure the kids are hungry. Later!
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