I have to tell you about THE. COOLEST. THING. EVERRRRRR! So, yesterday I got to work and walked into the break room. I walked up to the coffee pot with my coffee cup, as I do every day. As I rinsed out my cup, I remembered how the previous night at home, I had mixed a packet of hot chocolate in with my coffee. "Darn it," I thought. "I should have brought some hot chocolate with me! That sounds good right now!"
I started pouring my coffee and glanced over to the sugar and cream area. There, in the Splenda basket, was one single packet of hot chocolate. This was the only day in a year and a half of my being there that this has ever happened. Charter does not provide hot chocolate, I don't know whose it was or where it came from. Ordinarily, I would not have taken it but it seemed like quite naturally it must be for me since it appeared right after I thought about it. How can you argue with a gift from the universe? Of course it was mine! Hahaha. That was really cool though, no lie.
I'm a little afraid. I don't want to speak my fears into existence but I feel a little in over my head. With Tristan's situation, everything is spiraling out of control. Of course, I have had to ask his dad to help. I dread this, because they are always eager to try to snatch whatever opportunity they can try to take Tristan. It has always been this way, and not out of love for him. Shit, when his dad only had him four nights a month, he spent two of those nights away from him. If he loved him so much that he wanted to spend time with him, why did he leave him with his wife on two of his four precious nights? I don't buy it. With him, it's always been about control. It makes things difficult because I WANT to work together, I want to be a team with Tristan's best interests as our common goal.
I fear allowing his dad too much involvement though because he starts to see dollar signs in his eyes. Although he has paid a total of $45 in child support in Tristan's 8 years of living -- no, wait, I'm sorry. I gave that BACK to him because he whined about it. So, he has paid NO child support, and I don't ask him to. I'm paying $125/week for daycare, lunch money out of my own pocket, cleaning his clothes, putting him on my insurance, and I don't ask for a dime. But the second he thinks he might be able to get child support from ME, I know he would jump on it. That's why I'm afraid. Because I'm not in a good position right now, except financially. But I work a crappy schedule.
They may argue that this schedule is contributing to Tristan's behavioral issues, and maybe they would be right. This is all temporary, though, but it makes me nervous because I don't know how long it will be. I haven't heard back from Farmers and I can't find another day shift job right now. Even when we DO have a shift bid, I'm going to get last pick because I am on a written warning for attendance. By the time I get this straightened out, will it be too late? I'm trying to look at all of this as a learning experience and to have equanimity towards everything. It is what it is. Ommmm. I just feel though that things are falling apart.
I owe rent, and my commission week changed. I have been paying my full rent out of my commission check, which is about two weeks late. Now that commission got pushed to the next pay period, rent is going to be a month late. I can't borrow any more out of my 401k. If I use this coming check to pay something toward rent, I'm not going to be able to pay for daycare. If I don't pay for daycare, Tristan will have to stay at his dad's for two weeks. That may be long enough to cause me issues. I'm feeling anxiety. I can't breathe. Oh my god, I don't know what to do. I am so lost right now.
Well, my period came finally, so there's that. Only like 11 days late, whatever. And it's a bad one too, but I guess it's a good excuse to take a ladies' holiday from yoga. Not like I have been observing my 6 days a week, but every week it is still my goal. One day, I will get there.
I thought my energy was stabilizing, but I could barely sleep last night, so definitely still on the manic side. Although honestly that's to be expected until fall. I might go high to baseline and back, but if past years are any indication, I probably won't have any significant lows. That's not to say that I won't feel BAD -- negative emotions just manifest completely differently in the summertime than they do in the winter. In winter, it's immobilizing. In summer, it's self-destructive. But hey, I'm less than 2 months away from my 33rd birthday and I have to believe that I get better and better at this every year.
This feeling. This not knowing what to do. This overwhelming despair. Where did I go wrong. How do I fix this. What is my next move. What was the wrong turn, and how do I correct my course...or am I too far gone. What will become of me????
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