I think maybe two energy drinks was TOOOOOO many. I have a lot to write about, though! First of all, that was one long and crazy high, right? I write every single day when I'm manic. It's just one way to release some of the excessive energy. So, based on my posts, I'd say it was like 12 days. I finally came back to baseline...as a matter of fact, that seemed to happen right around the time I went out to see Joth. He has a very stabilizing effect on me.
I was afraid to go out there because the more time that went on, the more I feared it was broken and couldn't be fixed. I got more and more negative and hopeless with each passing day, seeing only the negative and blowing it up to epic proportions. I had convinced myself I wasn't fixable, the relationship wasn't fixable, I would never and could never be loved by anyone, and that was all well and good because I didn't deserve it, I'd never be able to change, and no one should ever get close to me. I couldn't even understand why he wanted me to come out.
I did, though. I really needed to get my mind off things, but I was so worried that I was in no state to behave properly around him. I felt like in my existing emotional state that I was like a bull and going to see him would be like entering a china shop. I was convinced that I'd only make things worse. And at first, I did.
It was great at first, of course, but I was holding inside soooooooooo much fear and anxiety about the stuff with Tristan, and school, and daycare, and how I was going to pay my rent, and moving forward how I'd be able to continue affording my necessities with all the extra costs now with adding him to my insurance, fixing my car, etc etc etc. I already went through the list, I believe, so there's no need to draw our attention back to that place.
I was petrified, though. Constant anxiety. I can't relate to anyone from a calm place with all that chaos distorting my mental processes. So what did I do? Well, I decided to drink. That wasn't such a smart idea because anything I hold inside spills out when I drink, and not always in the most graceful way. Not only that, but the day after drinking I'm usually off-kilter as well. It was horrible. For a moment.
But, after what I had feared had occurred, he was still there. From that point, we started to heal. I opened back up to him after having closed him off and dropped all that exhausting resistance. From that point forward, everything was wonderful. His friend Josh came over while I was there and we had a great time listening to 90's music (which we all know is a weakness of mine, right?) and had wonderful conversations and laughed a lot. It felt so good.
With Tristan, I just decided that all I can do is all I can do and from there I just need to surrender and trust the process. Worrying won't prevent my fears from being realized. I just have to concentrate on what I DO have control over on my end, and let the rest go. Deal with each event as it unfolds. Am I worried that his dad may try to take custody? Well yes, I am. Do I want what is best for my son? Yes, I do. Since he isn't on medication yet and can't go back to daycare, the next best thing for him is to get an uninterrupted night of sleep.
So this week, he's going to stay at his dad's and ride the bus to and from school. I'm sending clothes and his melatonin with him and putting money on his lunch card. Is it a risk, yes. But honestly, if I pay for daycare, that's money I don't have. And I still risk being asked not to send him if he can't keep his behavior under control.
On that note, I did take him to the assessment at community mental health on Friday. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Basically they went over my financial information and because he isn't on my insurance, and Rachel doesn't want me to use THEIR insurance, he had to be put on a waiting list for home based services. So there was no diagnosis, no prescription. I can't keep him home any longer or CPS is going to be knocking at my door with accusations of neglect due to truancy. But, I did call FOC and they said they will send the letter to my employer demanding that Tristan be put on my insurance. That way, I don't have to wait for the guardianship to be terminated. That's another month away.
Today, I ordered a copy of his birth certificate and a copy of my judgement of divorce. When those arrive, I can get my new ID with my correct last name. Wednesday is his conference, so I can get his report card that day. I filled out an application for him today for Battle Creek Montessori Academy. There is a montessori school in Grand Rapids, but they are $800/month. This one is FREE. And the timing was so perfect -- open enrollment closes March 30 for next year. How much more PERFECT could this be? I just need to bring my ID, his shot record, and his report card to the school. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!
Then, I have until the beginning of the school year to figure out living and working situation. My lease ends in August, and Joth's friend just happened to randomly mention that he may be buying a house...in August...and oh, yeah, he'll be looking for roommates. I mean, WHAT? Life is so crazy sometimes. Even if THAT doesn't pan out, I know there will be other options. Now that I've committed myself to the idea, everything seems possible! Everything seems like it's going to be okay! I'm excited again to start another adventure -- yes, I'm a little scared. But it's an exhilarating fear, like the kind you get at the top of a huge hill on a rollercoaster. YAYYYYYYYYYYYY LIFE!!!!!
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