Dude. Don't fuck with Durga! This totally describes my current state. I'm still manic, but the mania is a blessing because it's the only way I'm able to push through all of the tasks laid out before me. I need to be on top of my game right now. I don't have time to slow down or quit, it's full speed ahead. By the way, at FIRST I was planning to compare myself to a chicken with its head cut off. You know the expression? But when I searched Google images for a picture...ugh, the horror. I'm never eating chicken again.
Instead, I chose Durga. I could really use that many arms, though. It would really help me to accomplish everything I'm faced with right now! I have no time for you pesky dudes with your swords trying to get in my way. I will behead you with one hand without even blinking, while I'm doing 9 other things with my 9 other hands.
Yesterday, I emailed HR to see how to add Tristan on to my insurance. They told me I could if I had documentation that he had lost insurance within 30 days. I contacted Rachel to ask for that from her, and she said she can't drop him from her insurance until she has documentation from the court to show the guardianship has been terminated. This morning, I contacted the court and they said I can pick it up anytime. I also called Community Mental Health and made him an appointment for next Friday.
Then, school called, and I just got back from picking him up yet AGAIN. This is getting so old! I am getting so frustrated! Are you fucking KIDDING me? I have so lost my patience for this. The book I am reading said these are opportunities to see areas within ourselves that we can grow. When we analyze our triggers, we can see old wounds or patterns that we can correct. She suggests that parenting is more about what our children reflect back to us about what WE need to do, about us as parents, rather than to identify things about our children that need to be "fixed". So, what does this mean? What is this supposed to be drawing my attention to?
I notice the feelings that rise. Extreme frustration. Hopelessness. Disappointment. Anger. Irritation. He is completely ruining my life! How hard is it for him to just get through ONE day? Why is he so selfish? Why doesn't he care about how he's affecting anyone but HIMSELF? Isn't he grateful that I have devoted my entire life (and paycheck) to HIM? After all that, he thanks me by complicating my life further and forcing me to use up time I don't have to pick his ass up from school? How inconsiderate!
I'm sure, somewhere in that paragraph, if I think about it more, I can uncover what I need to see. Maybe all I'M thinking about is how this is affecting ME. Maybe I'm doing the very thing I'm accusing him of by not even considering how HE feels. It must not be fun to go to school every day and make everyone mad. I can't imagine that there is much enjoyment to be gained from upsetting your mom and being restrained by teachers. So why does he do it? Maybe the feelings he is experiencing are really difficult. Maybe I should put myself in his shoes and be empathetic that this must be really hard for him, too. He's the one living it. I may be suffering the after-effects, but he's at ground zero. I should be more compassionate. But how do I help him?
The assignment this week from the conscious parenting group is to write down triggers every time you notice one. This is supposed to create more awareness of the triggers, more overall mindfulness, and eventually the space between the trigger and the reaction. The place in which we can reflect and choose our response. I'm still working on that one -- as much as I promised myself that I wouldn't tell Tristan he was ruining my life, I did, and he burst into tears. I'm such a horrible mom sometimes. It's not like he's really intentionally trying to mess up my life. I had no right to wound him like that.
The thing about mania is that it provides all the extra energy you need to assume your superhero identity. But there are downfalls. I would liken it to being on a tube behind a speedboat, going ridiculously fast. If the water is calm and placid and you are being pulled behind the boat at a speed of like 300 miles an hour, it's a fucking RUSH, right? Exhilarating! That speed, the scenery flying by, the feeling that you're flying. But the faster the speed, the less the control. As long as the water is calm, you're fairly safe. But what if there is an unexpected bump? A sudden wake, a ripple? A curve? Any minor bump, at that speed, is going to send you flying. The crash will be painful, maybe even deadly. It would be so much harder to recover.
And that is mania -- everything feels AWESOME, until you hit a bump. You just don't have the control to get yourself back on track, and it spirals down into unmanageable chaos before you can even register what has happened. It's turning on me, now. And I'm just along for the ride, a helpless terrified passenger. I can only hope at this point that I land somewhere soft.
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