As I was reading my horoscope earlier, I noticed that Ram Navami is coming up this Saturday (as well as a lunar eclipse) and then the week after, Easter. I am just now expanding my limited knowledge of Hinduism, so I don't know much about Ram Navami. I am no longer Christian, so while I KNOW about Easter, I don't celebrate it. Well, not in a zombie worship forever punish yourself because somebody died for your worthless soul and you will never ever be good enough but thankfully you can be saved ANYWAY even though you should hate yourself always for being such deplorable scum but HEY let's celebrate the torture and murder of this man who supposedly traded his life for your eternal salvation kind of way. I just celebrate the revival of the spring, and the fact that I survived another winter. :)
So anyway, the common theme is rebirth. Jesus coming back from the dead, Lord Vishnu reincarnating as Lord Rama. This can be a time of total transformation for anyone, and it's as good a time as any to make lasting changes. Also, Saturday is a total lunar eclipse in Libra. I read that this is the ending of a 19 year cycle. I am almost 33, so this would be the ending of a cycle that began when I was almost 14. Viewed from that perspective, I do honestly feel that I can cut all ties to the past and the person I was then. Of course I'll always have the lessons, but it's true that I am not obligated to be the person I was yesterday, even 5 minutes ago. People can change. It starts with making one different choice, and I'm doing it.
As far as Tristan goes, I went to the Montessori school and dropped off all of his paperwork except for his shot record. I had contacted FOC to have them send a letter to my employer requiring that Tristan be added to my insurance, and they did, and his coverage starts tomorrow! So, I made him an appointment to get up to date on immunizations for tomorrow morning. When I called, I found out that he has not been to the doctor at ALL for the past 2 years. He's never been to the dentist. Blair and Rachel only brought him to counseling the handful of times they did because their lawyer said it would help their case, not out of any actual concern for Tristan's well-being. But anyway, there's no point in getting worked up again about it. The important thing is, he's with me now, and I can make things right.
Everything is going to be okay! I'm in a scary but also kind of exciting land of uncertainty right now. I was very, very worried. About everything. There are so many variables, and they were tirelessly spinning around in my mind on repeat. When I went to see Joth the other day, he was tremendously helpful in working with me about that. I know I've mentioned it several times, but I'm honestly a die-hard skeptic. This whole NLP thing? It sounds like a gimmick, snake oil, too good to be true, something to scam gullible people with. However, I can't explain it, but the things he did with me honestly and truly helped reverse the endless cycle of doubt, fear, and worry. Was it like a placebo affect? Maybe just him TELLING me he fixed it made me convince myself he did? Even if so, who cares? If it works, it works -- and I'm not worrying anymore, so to me, that IS worth hundreds of dollars.
So, I made my vision board, right? And I really want to focus on doing reiki this year, on other people. So I have like 4 or 5 pictures of someone getting reiki on a massage table. Except I don't have a massage table. I could have bought one by now, but I think inside that's been my excuse not to put myself out there as a reiki healer and stay in my comfort zone. Oh, I would, but I don't have a massage table. Anyway, yesterday Seth posted in our Spirit Family group that he has a massage table if anyone needs one. So, I messaged him and asked how much he wanted for it, and he said, "How bout free?" !!! What!!!! LIFE IS AMAZZZZZZZZZINGGGGGGGGG
Joth is mad at me right now. My phone died while we were talking last night and I was honestly too lazy to find the charger or go out to my car. I just went to sleep, assuming he would realize my phone had died. I woke up though and he had texted, and messaged, and sent me a Glide and apparently he was very worried about me. It's not that I don't care, I'm compassionate toward his feelings and I think it's so sweet that he cared so much, but I really wish he wouldn't let these things escalate and turn into something way bigger than what they really are. Do I hear myself right now? Oh yes, I do this all the time. It's kind of weird to meet yourself, or someone so like you in many ways that you catch yourself being a hypocrite every time something they do bothers you. Because on the heels of THAT thought is always the realization that you do it too. We'll be okay, though, I know we will.
Want to know something really bizarre that he's been doing lately? We'll be talking, or in the case of the first example, arguing -- no, vehemently discussing -- and he'll say something, I don't respond (but I THINK something in my mind) and then HE responds to what I just THOUGHT! Like this:
Joth: I feel like you don't care about me
Me: silence. (Thinking in my head, I feel like you're being ridiculous)
Joth: I'm NOT being ridiculous!
That was just an example, of course. Those weren't the things that were actually said, but you catch my drift. Wierrrrrrrrrddddddddd, right? Good thing I have nothing to hide! I'm apparently dating a guy who can read my thoughts. It seems super cool but at times, there are things you just don't want to be known yet. So this puts our relationship on a different challenge level. That's okay, though! We are learning and growing, and I love it IMMENSELY. <3
I know, that's not chicken pot pie. I just took THAT out of the oven, and it's cooling, but a picture of chicken pot pie is kind of boring. It may have been different if I had cut it open, but I'm not doing that. Anyway, those are the scones I made yesterday! They ARE delicious, but the dough was way, way, way too wet. Hehehehe. ;) No, but seriously. I baked them three times longer than the recipe said too, and they still taste underdone. They aren't, and there are no eggs in them, so it's fine -- they're just very moist. Hahahaha. Okay, I'm sorry, my mind is SO in the gutter right now.
Anyway, my favorite scones recipe has HALF as much heavy cream in it, and they turn out a perfect consistency, bake in 8 minutes, and retain their shape. So, next time I make THIS recipe, I'm using WAY less cream. And if nobody else wants to eat these ones, well I will. As far as the chicken pot pie, well, I tweaked the recipe I found online based on the suggestions of people who reviewed it. Which is cool, the filling tasted amazing, but I had WAY too much to fit in the crust. Which then led me to question exactly HOW full I'm supposed to fill the bottom crust with filling. Level? Heaping? Spilling over the sides? I just don't know. I filled it very full, but now that it's done, I'm obsessing over what I should have done. It doesn't look full enough. What if I used too much turmeric. What if I drop it. Should I bake it longer, should the middle be brown too? *sigh* WHO FREAKING CARES. It was something to do. Now that it's done, though, I'm worried it isn't perfect.
I was up before 8 today, yeahhhhhhhhhh! I made the chicken pot pie, took a shower, put on some makeup, and packed my stuff to go to Joth's. I'm drinking my coffee right now and listening to music. It's very hard not to sing along, but if I turn it off, I lose my mojo. So this entry may not be very good. That's not the point, though. Mood tracking. Do I need to do that? Probably not.
Let me be frank about something with bipolar. It is a known problem that most bipolar patients are not, as my mom calls it, "med-compliant". What the fuck is THAT, anyway? Like there's a RULE that we must COMPLY with, has someone legislated that we are required to mindlessly swallow the chemicals prescribed in some office by some doctor who isn't even listening to what we're actually saying or considering any other option other than a chemical lobotomy? Are they really concerned for our well-being, or their paycheck? Seriously, illness -- mental and otherwise -- need to stop equating to profit, or we'll never get the proper care.
Sorry, I'll stop ranting about that. ANYway, most bipolar patients fail to take medication regularly. Do we ever stop to ask ourselves why that might be? Well I will TELL you! Right now, I'm manic, and I am SUPER HUMAN. My mind works faster. I am more articulate, intelligent, and funny. I sing better. (It's true, I don't know why, but it's a verified fact that I've observed over all of my years being bipolar) I have SO. MUCH. ENERGY. Dude, I was baking ALLLLLLLLLL day yesterday and I never got tired. I need less sleep, which gives more time to do all these things I've suddenly become inspired or motivated to do. I'm more creative.
It isn't just that mania is feeling better than I personally did before. It's that I feel better than the average human being ever does. I was thinking today (please be warned possible TMI to follow) after having some, um, "alone" time with myself that...shit, if I were on medication, I'd never know what it was like to experience that mind-blowing reality-altering trip-to-another-dimension orgasm. Yeah, it was that good. And it always IS when I'm manic! That is the type of orgasm that I'd be willing to bet most people never experience their entire lives, and I am lucky enough to have that experience. This WHOLE experience. Why the fuck would I medicate this away???????
You know, for the longest time I thought the lyrics at that part of the song were, "Wrapped up like a douche", and I never could understand why the hell a weird-ass song like that would become so popular. It turns out that the song is about cocaine, or at least that's what I've heard. I heard the same about Gold Dust Woman. Oooh, I really want to hear that song right now. Stevie Nicks, or Courtney Love? Both. I love them both.
I don't feel that it's necessary to report my current state, do you? I think it's pretty obvious. This morning, I wondered if the mania was ending because I actually slept until 9. I went back to sleep when I got back from picking up the kids, also, but not really because I was tired. It's just so very cold in here today, and there's nothing else to do under the covers except sleep. Well, I could read. Except Tristan has broken every charging cord for my kindle except one, which I lost. Temporarily misplaced, I'm sure I'll find it.
This is a very HAPPY, productive, optimistic, positive mania. I'm so motivated. I can't slow down long enough to eat, and I had a hard time forcing myself to stop earlier so I could pee. My bladder had been full for like an hour but I was just so busy. My kids aren't driving me crazy, I'm patient and understanding, and for the last few days I've been pretty bubbly on the phones at work, too. Level-headed in my relationship, which is also wonderful. I do a lot more cooking and baking when I'm up, too, which is why today I made a homemade chicken pot pie (well, I made the filling, but I'm going to actually bake the pie tomorrow and bring it down to Joth's) and next I'm making a new strawberry scones recipe I found while I was surfing the web between phone calls last night at work.
I love this, on one hand. On the other hand, a part of me is being...oh, what's the word? It's not quite cynical. I guess I would just say negative. Suddenly, parenting is a breeze and I feel like a wonderful mother again! My relationship woes have melted and all I see is a clear horizon and a bright future, full of amazing possibilities! So what is there to be negative about? Well, I worry that this is temporary. That I haven't actually changed, I mean, who changes THAT quickly, right? Wasn't I just whining in an entry less than a week ago about how I was trying so hard to change, and just couldn't do it, and I didn't deserve to be alive? Let me tell you a secret, that day I was teetering on the edge of suicidal. Please don't be alarmed, I would never do that to my children. But I just didn't want to be here. I was so done.
And now? Suddenly I just CHANGED? I'm really happy, right, but...again, the perfect word escapes me, but I know there is one. I'm not letting myself get too happy about it because mania never lasts, and what will happen when it ends? Will I be yelling again? Too tired to clean? Dull, flat, angsty, argumentative, unmotivated?
It's hard to enjoy this, because I know I don't get to keep it. But I want to. At least I'll probably be Miss Sunshine for most of the summer, but how do I make it last? I feel like THIS is ME. All winter, I've been stuffed tight down into this restrictive shell, trying to get out. Now I've busted out and I'm talking to people and I'm not afraid and I'm ready to do things and life is sparkly and everything is going my way. I need to figure this out. I need to crack the code. There must be a way!
Hmmmm, I feel like I was going to talk about something. I do not remember what it is, though. I get to see Joth tomorrow! I'm so excited! I'm also going to meet with the people at the Montessori school on Monday morning, this is going to be so great! I got a little overwhelmed because if he's going to school there, I have until the beginning of next school year to find a place there, and then if THAT happens of course I need to find a JOB there, and even though I have a whole bunch of time, I just worry, worry, worry. I feel like I have to have it all solved now, which is nonsense. Everything's going to work out, I know it, but I wish I had a preview. It would be nice to have some reassurance, because I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants.
And as far as the housing thing goes, it's becoming more real and I'm getting nervous about that. I want to see Joth every single day. I want to have coffee and deep conversations every morning, and snuggle every night. Nothing sounds more perfectly blissful than that. It's weird, though. I was talking to Asia about him, going on about how perfect and amazing he is and that it sucks that he lives all the way in Battle Creek. She said, "I'm sure you guys will be able to figure out how to make the connection work if it is the right thing for you both. Just stay in Trust, Love. There must be value to this current distance between you..."
Then, when the counselor was over and we were going over Tristan's history, he told me that he was proud of me for getting out of the relationship with Noe and I admitted it hadn't been easy, and if not for my children, I probably couldn't have done it. I explained how I had been financially dependent on him and I had no place to go, and how at 6 months pregnant in October I had even slept in my car a couple times. It was the same when I was with Andrew -- we lived together, I had no job, no car, no money, and nowhere to go. It was so hard to get out.
Now obviously I wouldn't be with Joth if I thought things were going to go down that road. But suddenly I realized my hesitation at actually living together, because once our lives are tangled up together, it's not so simple to just leave. Sharing an address weaves the threads from each of your tapestries into one, and breaking free becomes a complicated matter. Again, I'm not saying that I imagine that I would ever DREAM of wanting to leave. But a certain feeling of panic sets in when I think about taking that step. I am really sure about him. But I have this automatic response that almost feels like it would be walking into a trap.
I hate to say it that way because I love him so incredibly unbelievably much! My misgivings have nothing whatsoever to do with him. He's been the most amazing, illuminating, compassionate, warm, patient, understanding, incredibly unbelievable boyfriend I ever could have even imagined. I am so in love. MAN, I am SO COLD! I guess I need to fire up the oven again and make those scones. Au revoir!!!!!!!!
Happy Friday! I'm just chilling (literally -- it's freezing today) listening to Little Earthquakes, reminiscing of memories laced with the sound of Tori in the background. Man. I remember I used to listen to this CD, or Under the Pink, at least six times a day. I saw her in concert twice -- the best was when we got there and didn't know where our seats were, so we asked and were led toward the stage. Closer, and closer, looking at each other with excitement as we approached the stage. We ended up in the FOURTH ROW, right in the middle. It was amazing. I remember that look in her eyes...there's something fae, mischievous about Tori. Undoubtedly we are kindred. I love that lady. <3
Anyway, so I checked to see if she has a tour this summer, and unfortunately she does not. I think it's time I see her again. Brrrrr! I need to turn up the heat! It's almost April and it's snowing, but hey, this should be the last little cold snap before spring finally settles in. And I could NOT be more excited!!!
I woke up early again this morning. Still manic, but super super super SUUUUUUUUUUUUPERRRRRRRRRRRR happy. So it's all good. I got paid and I vowed last night to pay $1,000 on rent. You see, I'm almost a month behind. I thought maybe I should pay something on my fines because my license is also due to be suspended now, but I tried to call the courthouse and they are closed today. I should at least fix my headlight again, but how am I going to get my hood open? The struggle is real, yo. Hahaha.
So the counselor came yesterday and we talked at length about Tristan. Of course I talked too fast, and I talked too much, and I interrupted and I spent at least an hour kicking myself for that after he left. But, as a psychologist, I'm sure he can understand. He knows I have ADD, so hopefully he doesn't judge. I did my best.
Anyway, he wanted to know about Tristan's background and I was very candid about things. We went through a timeline from when I left his dad right before he was two and stayed in the domestic violence shelter, and how for about a year after that his father was barely involved in his life except sporadically when I would give him gas money, my bridge card for food, and diapers just so he would stay involved in his life. Then he met Sarah and suddenly wanted to be a father when Tristan was about 3, which I was in favor of. Then how at age 4 Tristan started having issues, wetting the bed, said Sarah had touched him and we went to CPS but nothing could be substantiated because Tristan wouldn't talk. And I wouldn't let Tristan go over there for a long time, then he started back on every other weekend, and finally I agreed to joint custody on the condition that Tristan would never be around Sarah's dad who is a registered sex offender.
I told him about how they had left Tristan overnight with her dad so I went for full custody, and my lawyer told me I had full custody and didn't have to let Tristan go over there, so I hadn't for a year. I had offered supervised visitation and we had set up 3 visits, all of which Andrew had failed to show up for, so I stopped scheduling them with him. Then I got into another abusive relationship and had just gotten out of the shelter when I heard that Andrew was going for full custody, so we did the guardianship with Blair and Rachel. Our one year agreement turned into two, his behavior got worse and they couldn't handle him anymore, so now about 2 months ago he finally came home and...here we are.
He is very concerned about Tristan's sexualized behavior, and in truth, I am too. I know something happened to him, but who? And what? I don't know. I hope counseling helps, though. His psychiatric evaluation is scheduled for April 6, so at that point, he'll be put on medication. I know that ADHD is a big part of this, but it's compounded by trauma and possibly sexual abuse. This is why I was begging Blair and Rachel to keep Tristan in counseling while he lived there, but my pleas always fell on deaf ears. They took him a couple random times, but never with any consistency. I don't care how much they claim to love him as his Aunt and Uncle, no one's got your back like your mom. I'm sorry, but it's true. Who else would take a bullet for my kids but me? Well, Jewel's father would. But Tristan's dad? Shit.
I love payday. It's such a happy day, even though my money is all spent already. I feel like I've been holding my breath for two weeks. Ahhhhhhh. Speaking of money, that reminds me to continue on with my job search. And I think I'll also do that tarot reading I've been promising Tet. I just went incommunicado for a month or so, I can't really place the reason because I've been mostly manic. It's strange because mania makes me more extroverted and social and confident, however I tend to ignore texts and phone calls more often during those periods. It's because I'm always so busy doing something else or thinking of something else that I can't take the time to focus on one thing long enough to send a message. It feels physically impossible. I can't overcome it. I do try, I just can't. Weird, eh?
Okay, soooooooooooo mood tracking. Manic. It's a little annoying when you LOVE sleep and you have time to get MORE sleep, but your body won't cooperate. Oh well. I got up early today. I stayed in a state of denial for about an hour before I gave up trying to sleep more, then I texted Joth. TEXTED isn't a WORD? Get with the program, spell check.
So I'm drinking espresso and cream right now, listening to music, being happy. I cleaned up the apartment because Tristan's home based counselor is coming to meet with me today. I don't even want to tell you how long it's been since I did yoga. Well, I did it the Monday right before my period, which came on a Tuesday, and I decided I'd take 3 days off because...well, I'm lazy, let's put it that way. But I already know that when I disturb a routine, it's SO hard to get back on track!!!! This Sunday, though, begins a new week and I'll jump right back on that horse. Anyway, yoga feels so GOOD. Every time I get on the mat, I loooooooooove it. So I just can't understand why it's so hard to motivate myself to just start. Once I start, I don't NEED motivation to finish, because I enjoy it so much! I'm such a fool sometimes.
Here's a thing I noticed yesterday. I'm in the midst of analyzing this and trying to figure it out. There is a pattern. This pattern began when I was with Noe, so I assumed it was him, but it is happening now with Joth. So, there will come a period where I become so intensely swelled with euphoric love and affection that I feel I could burst. I am radiating so much adoration toward this person, feel the intensity of our connection, and am over-the-top ecstatic about the relationship. I call it the "love bubble". I named it that when I was with Noe. Anyway, inevitably when I'd be flying high on the love bubble, immediately after that something would go wrong and POP it and I'd go CRASHING down to the ground, angry, hurt, disappointed. It. ALWAYS. Happened. It got to the point where I couldn't even fully enjoy the love bubble, because it became to me a warning of bad things to come.
Well, knowing what we now know about Noe, it makes sense. It was a bad relationship, yes. BUT. He could basically read my mind. He would do the thing where he would text me when I was about to text him. He knew what I was thinking. So, to that end, I would venture to say that while it was a toxic connection, we did have some karmic ties and the purpose of what transpired between us was definitely to contribute to our highest good.
ANYWAY, so when I felt those feelings...I felt like I was picking up on vibes that he was transmitting, too. And that they were a match for what I was feeling, which then in turn amplified my own feelings of love and passion. So I'd get all excited about seeing him that night or whatever, and inevitably he'd cancel on me. Make up some lie or excuse, because (unbeknownst to me at the time) he was staying home with his wife. Why was it always at my most heightened levels of euphoric admiration that he'd cancel on me, start a fight, lie, shut me out? I never understood. It doesn't matter now, though, right? I didn't think so.
But now...it happened yesterday, with Joth! I don't even know what happened! The love was flowing, high and bright between us. I felt like I was glowing, vibrating with this magnified amplified supersonic heart-melting mind-bending LOVE. And sure, there was a healthy dose of lust mixed in there. But the lust was like an activator, synergistically blending with the love, each boosting the other, skyrocketing me high into the land of utopian love bliss. I thought we were on the same page. I couldn't wait to get home and talk to him.
Then I did. And I texted him. And he took 20 minutes to text back, which usually doesn't happen, but he was busy and that's no big deal. Then I texted back, finished eating, and texted back again and just...nothing. I got so mad! The whole drive home, I was preoccupied with nothing but YOU, obsessing over you, fixated on you, nothing in the WORLD was as important as talking to YOU. And in comes those worthless EXPECTATIONS, the ASSUMPTION that he was feeling the same too. That he mirrored my state. That the feelings were mutual, reciprocated. That he was just as excited to talk to me. I guess he wasn't. Instant deflation. The love bubble....popped....and I fell. It added insult to injury to find out later that he had "gotten a phone call". When I call him, most of the time he doesn't answer! Who is it that's so important that you will, for one, answer the phone...and for two, choose to speak with them rather than me? Who trumps me, at 1 am? Salt. In. The. Wound.
This is the part I don't understand. How can I, at one moment, feel such an intense connection...only to, abruptly and in the very next moment, feel completely shut out? What IS that? What does it mean? How can we swing from one extreme to another? "I can't get enough of you" to "I don't have time for you"? I was able to explain how I felt without attacking him or starting a fight, but I'm not going to lie -- it was HARD. Plus, I thought that if I handled things differently, suddenly life would be all sunshine and roses (I say that a lot, I know) and we'd never have another argument and we'd exist permanently in a state of perfect love and understanding.
Guess what, that didn't happen. When I'm mad, or sad, or hurt, my first instinct is to release those emotions by expelling them. Usually this comes at the expense of another, or myself. Then I am sorry. So I didn't do that. But there was no release. I was better for a minute, actually in truth, I was better until I started typing this. Then I started thinking about it and got angry all over again. I don't want to be a prisoner of my emotions! Here's the thing, though. The thing holding them inside, the thing that won't allow me to release them. The fear child inside of me that I am trying to rationalize with is saying, if you had listened to me before, you would have left Noe before he destroyed your life. If you don't listen to me now, you will regret it again. I'm trying to protect you. He doesn't love you.
Which is stupid, because I KNOW he loves me. I TRUST him. That little girl personification of fear which still dwells within me, though, does not believe that any man ever can love me, or be honest with me, and if those doubts exist than how can I ever transcend them? What can I do???????????
Okay, woah. Baaaaaaaaaaaaby steps. Yesterday was rough. Life is a little unpredictable at the moment, and it does make me a bit uncomfortable not knowing where I'm going. I read this quote on Facebook today, though, talking about how the ego views the present moment as an obstacle, something to overcome to get to this magical "future" where everything is finally great and we are happy. But when the future gets here, well, it's now...another obstacle, another moment to contend with before we get to the one we really want.
I'm sure some people waste entire lifetimes that way. This moment is not perfect. This moment is not the end. This moment is not permanent. But this moment is now, and now is what matters right now. I have plenty to celebrate in this moment. I have caught myself in the web of what-ifs and I was so despondent. Yesterday was bad. I can't worry about every single day to come, and solve all the problems ahead of time that I will face. What will be will be.
Today, I picked Tristan up from school and brought him to Community Mental Health. They called me yesterday and told me that I could get him in after school with a crisis counselor, but Andrew and Sarah could/would not take him. It's either Tristan misses school or I miss work, then, and I can't miss any more work or I'll be fired. Anyway, I got to his school and he was being ridiculous. Running around the classroom, throwing pieces of newspaper everywhere. Not listening. His teacher told me about what had happened yesterday and showed me a bruise and some scratches on her arm from him. I can't understand what's happening.
He got in the car and we talked a bit. He said that he is worried that if he is good at his dad's that they will take him away from me. That made me sad, because I was expressing that very fear and he must have picked up on it. I want him to do well. I want what's best for him. Yes, I share the fear that they will try to gain custody. My ego has a big problem with all of this -- Sarah picked him up from school yesterday, took it upon herself to meet with his teacher, told Tristan that I'm a bad mom because I "don't discipline" him.
First of all, she doesn't know what the fuck happens or doesn't happen in this household. Secondly, I wouldn't consider her the benchmark of excellent parenting. I have been there at 1 AM to pick up Tristan from their house to find her passed out on the couch, baby crying in the swing, 2 year old scattering DVDs all over the floor, and the two girls and Tristan running around doing whatever. I get it, she's overwhelmed. I feel sorry for her, really -- 5 kids to take care of, including a newborn, and of course Andrew is nowhere in sight. How many times have I showed up to pick up Tristan and she has no idea where Andrew went because he took off when she fell asleep, leaving the kids to mind themselves? And I don't judge, not for that, but I DO judge her for having the audacity to judge ME. REALLY? Why does it bother me so much, anyway? Why does her opinion even matter? It doesn't. UGHHHHHHHHHHH though.
So anyway, Tristan met with the guy who will be his home based counselor today. I liked him a lot, he was really nice and funny. Tristan was so embarrassing, though. He was rude a couple of times and he was rolling around on the floor at one point. He was talking in a baby voice and asking the guy if he could play video games. He seemed to take it all in stride, though. I'm sure he's seen worse. Anyway, they're going to get him scheduled for a psychiatric evaluation to get him on meds. Also, they are going to start the home visits after school at Andrew's house. He is going to come meet with me on Wednesday, though. I feel the stirrings of hope. Maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to hang on for dear life and everything WILL be okay.
What else is there to say? It's a new day, eh? What if all I do is stay in this moment and focus on the positive? I know that's easier said than done, but this is the season of transformation. I've done it once. I can do it again. Time to level up, bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You're not really a bitch. I just wanted to sound gangsta. LOL)
I am not the type to pray. I don't believe in putting the power to change my circumstances in some imagined entity outside of myself when I am capable of and responsible for my own energy. But I need help. I know what I want to do, and I try to do it, and I can't. This is a problem in my relationship with my child and my relationship with my partner, and I don't want either of those relationships to fall apart. But they will. I am at a crisis point and I am afraid.
I know where I want to be, I even know how to get there. But I can't do it. How many times must I fail before accepting that it's just beyond my abilities to change? Am I foolish to believe that I could ever be something other than what I've always been? I feel like I'm trying to fly by jumping off the roof with a sheet tied around my neck as a cape. I can convince myself all day long that I am Wonder Woman. I can jump off of that roof from sunrise to sunset. I can meditate on it, I can exert more effort, I can tweak my takeoff, my landing. In the end, though, it is an exercise in futility. That's what interpersonal relationships feel like to me right now.
I can read this book, and try these things, and make these commitments, and join these groups. I can set my intentions and make my promises. In the end, though, I end up falling flat on my face. CAN I EVEN CHANGE? I really want to. I want the people I love to be happy. I want to contribute to their emotional well-being, not destroy it. Why can't I stop. What do I do. This is my fervent prayer, because everything I've done has led me nowhere. I can blame and point fingers and make excuses, but in the end, people are suffering because of me. What do I do if I can't make it stop????? Should I even exist? Why am I here?
Last week, Tristan stayed at his dad's all week. He had a great week at school. I think I mentioned that. Then, he was with me this past weekend, and I got a call from school this morning. He was running around, swearing, acting rowdy. I guess they got him calmed down but I can't deny it anymore. It's me. I am failing at parenting. I know this negative attitude isn't going to get me anywhere! I know I need to focus on the positive, be optimistic, believe in myself! I know I can't give up. But I really feel like this is so much bigger than me, and I'm drowning.
Last night, I gave him his melatonin at 7:30. I let him watch a movie with me like I did last Sunday. Last week, though, he had fallen asleep during the movie and the rest is history -- slept beautifully, had a great day at school Monday. Sunshine and roses. Last night, he was still awake when the movie ended. Well, that's okay. I put him to bed and put my phone on the charger in his room. To make a long story short, he was up until 11 and I started to suspect he had an electronic device in there. When I went to look, my phone was off the charger. I found it under his pillow. I was so angry -- livid! I had to leave the room because I honestly had such a strong impulse to spank him. I didn't want to do that, especially since I felt that the drive to do so originated from a desire to release my anger and nothing constructive.
I couldn't stop fuming, though. I couldn't hold it in. I just went off on him...about how I do everything for him to make sure he can succeed, I miss work, I drive him all the way to Allegan, I pay to file papers, I let him stay at his dad's so he can get enough sleep, I buy melatonin, I buy parenting books, etc etc etc and he doesn't even CARE, I do all this to help him but he won't do anything to help himself. I told him I can't trust him (because he lied about having the phone, and I left it in there and he couldn't keep his grubby little hands off of it) and he's a liar and he isn't even TRYING. He cried so much. I felt so awful. I couldn't take it back. I'm crying now, as I write this. Sadly, this is a familiar scene. I wish I knew how to make it stop.
Following the rush of outpouring anger that refused to be contained, I was immediately overcome by immense guilt and shame. I tried to snuggle him and apologize. I laid next to him and gave him reiki, foolishly believing that if I was nice enough, I could make him forget all the things I just said. It never works that way. You can pull all of the nails out of the fence, but the holes are all still there. It isn't sleep, or his school, or his teacher. It's me. I don't know how to fix it.
Attractive picture of me, eh? Yeah, I know. That wasn't even the most painful part. This was about one minute before I met Sienna for the first time. Last week, I had my second annual visit with her.
First of all, let me back up a little. Ugh, that last entry...what the hell was I even TALKING about? That may have been the best energy shot I've tried so far, but I will never attempt to blog again after drinking one. I really wanted to talk about the significance of the eclipse/equinox/new supermoon and how it related to new beginnings and my 6 month anniversary with Joth. I did, a little, but I followed too many meandering thoughts to nowhere. Anyway, to wrap that up, it is a new beginning for us and I have vowed to make positive changes. This is the dawning of a new era for me, one of positivity and kindness, support and understanding, patience and peace. What I have always done has never worked. If this doesn't, what else would be worth pursuing?
Okay, back to Sienna. Soooooo I met her and her parents at McDonald's, the same one we met at last year. She's very active so the play place was a good choice for her. I was so nervous. I get last-minute nerves, though. Like right before my first date with Joth, it didn't even hit me until I was sitting at the table waiting for him. Then all of a sudden, full-force, I was feeling "Oh SHIT this is really about to happen, this amazing incredible guy is going to walk right through that door any minute and what the hell am I going to say or do to make him glad he did????"
So I was at Target, getting kitty litter. I went to the book section to get her book. I have a tradition (I say tradition, but this is only the second year -- I do plan to continue, though). I started writing poetry because of Shel Silverstein. Specifically, my first and second grade teacher would read us a poem of Shel Silverstein's every day right before show and tell. By second grade, instead of an object from home, I was sharing a poem I had written myself for show and tell. This was a pivotal part in me becoming who I was, and developing an appreciation for poetry. Because I wanted Sienna to always have some connection to me, I decided I'd give her a Shel Silverstein book every year. Last year was A Giraffe and a Half. This year, I gave her The Giving Tree. I also wrote her a poem from me on the inside cover of each.
So anyway, I was over by the books. I saw the traditional stories commonly read to young children -- Love You Forever being one of them. That book makes me cry every time, I swear. Right then, the gravity of the adoption hit me. I WILL love you forever. But I'm missing your entire life. I'm not even the one who gets to read that to you every night. Sometimes, you just feel the full void of everything you've missed and will never get back. I regained my composure, grabbed the book, and went to the toy section. Dolls, tea sets, games, stuffed animals. What does she like? What do two year old girls do? It's been so long since I had a two year old. I HAVE a two year old. What will I say if someone asks me if I need help? Yes, I need help buying a gift for my two year old daughter. I have no idea what she likes. Sadness.
Everything was fine, though. I got home, and as the time approached, my anxiety grew and grew. I knew I needed to get ready but I was so beyond nervous that I couldn't even get up off the couch and finish doing what I needed to do. I felt frozen. Joth was wonderfully supportive and encouraging and he helped me get that part out of the way. He reminded me of the 4,7,8 breathing again. As soon as I did that, I felt a little more capable and finished getting ready. My chest was in knots, though, and I could barely breathe. All this, just to meet a two year old? How bad could it be? But I was so worried. What if she's scared of me? What if she doesn't like me? What if she doesn't know who I am? What if she DOES? What do I do? What do I say?
Anyway, I got there and she was bashful for about 10 seconds. I gave her the gifts and she got SO excited when she opened the book. "Ooooh! A BOOK!" she said. She came over and sat on my lap and we read it together. She was really into it! Then we had a tea party with the tea party set I brought her. Her parents talked to me while we sat there, sharing how strong-willed she is. I smiled. They also said that at her appointments, they have a checklist of things and if she is meeting half of them, she is on track. She always meets all of them plus some for the next visit. Her doctor told Mike and Kelli that they are raising a genius. It made me really happy, but it also made me a little sad.
On one hand, I'm missing out on that. On the other, could I have handled it? Could I have provided the resources and opportunities that a gifted child would really need to reach her full potential? Or would the toxic circumstances have damaged her? I'm not surprised she's so smart, and that isn't me tooting my own horn or anything. Noe is also very intelligent. He's scary smart, though -- he can figure things out about you that there is no logical explanation for. He can seek out vulnerabilities you didn't even know you had. He can decipher your programming and hack it. He would be, like, the evil genius. I'm so happy that Sienna has a loving, warm, supportive, healthy environment to thrive in. She's capable of amazing things. I was able to talk to her just as I talk to my other two children and she had full awareness. It was a little odd, seeing that level of awareness in such a tiny body. It made me happy though.
Anyway, after our tea party, we played in the play place. We were like best buddies. She held my hand and lead me through the maze of tubes and ladders like a fearless explorer. We talked about static electricity and went down the slide about a thousand times. We went back to sit down and she started getting a little hyper. "Daddy, please, ice cream?" She was jumping up and down saying, "Happy BURTDAY! Happy BURTDAAAAAAYYYYYYY!" I decided they probably wanted to get her home, so I politely excused myself. It had been about an hour. When I told her that I was leaving, she came and gave me the squishiest hug. When I waved goodbye, she blew me like 5 or 6 exuberant kisses. She's so vibrant. She's beautiful, intelligent, charming, and sweet. It's good to be reminded that something so beautiful can come from the deepest depths of misery your soul traverses through. That is, as I have said before, from whence the lotus blossoms.
Welcome to Aries!!!! I don't even know if I can sit still long enough to blog. I wouldn't blame mania, the fiery Aries influence, or even spring fever though. It's this energy shot WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is my favorite one so far.
When I get on a kick, I feel like a scientist. Once I catch on to something, I need to evaluate all of my options with testing and comparison. As a caffeine junkie, I progressed from coffee to espresso and energy drinks to energy pills to energy shots. It happened quite by accident -- I got to work one day, after having parked like a quarter of a mile away in the Boy Scouts parking lot. It was like a zillion degrees below zero, and I had forgotten my coffee cup in my car. Oh, the horror! In the cafeteria, I saw that there were 5 hour energy shots for sale. Better than nothing, right? So I bought one. I was pleasantly surprised!
Since there are so many energy shots available, I then decided to try them all. I can't even keep the music on right now while I blog, I keep getting up to dance and sing. So ANYway, 5 hour energy was not too bad. I saw this one at the local gas station which caught my interest because it has ephedra, and I thought ephedra was illegal. It turns out that ephedra EXTRACT is okay, and legal, but it IS different. Still, though, I enjoyed it about as much as the 5 hour energy. I was worried that energy shots would give me anxiety or could lead to a panic attack, but I found the high pretty pleasant with no jitters and no crash. Shit, I sound like a commercial. But honestly. When I drink Monsters, I do crash -- like I did yesterday.
When I went to Joth's last weekend, I grabbed one called Tweaker at the gas station when I left to get the pizza. Of course I bought it for the name, I did want kind of a speedy high. It doesn't make sense that one would crave that when they're already manic, right? I have even wondered that myself. Why is it that I crave stimulants when I'm on a high? Wouldn't you think it would be the opposite? I read, though, that this is common. You get a taste of the feeling, how great it feels, and you just want to keep going higher. That is why alcohol and cocaine are the top two abused drugs of bipolar people. Why alcohol, though? I don't really know. Why would you want to come DOWN?
I only use alcohol to combat anxiety. There are many things I am too afraid to say and do, and drinking a little bit gives me the confidence and courage to be comfortable just being me without worrying that everyone is looking and judging and criticizing and hating. Hahahaha OMG this entry is going ALL OVER THE PLACE. What did I even come here to talk about? FOCUS.
Oh yeah so this energy drink. It is RedLine Power Rush. I didn't even drink half the bottle. I'm dancing, singing, doing laundry, hula hooping, and now blogging. Poorly. Okay but now the title, let's catch up to where I am now since I already wasted all this time talking about nothing.
Last week Tuesday, I was at work and read an article that a CME (coronal mass ejection) AKA a PIECE OF THE SUN (kind of) was flying past Earth, interacting with our electromagnetic field, causing aurora borealis. I read that the solar storm was so strong that the northern lights would be visible here in Michigan, and I got super excited! I did see them on the way home.
You know what, my whole groove is all messed up now. I've been trying to blog and the kids are driving me crazy. It's like they have a sensor for when I'm trying to focus on something. I was out here hula hooping, dancing, and they were nowhere to be seen. Now that I'm trying to blog, they are being loud and obnoxious. I love them, don't get me wrong, and I'm definitely glad they're here. But WHY do they choose the most irritating time to be pains in the ass?
Anyway, so I saw the northern lights. The next day, I saw a rainbow on the way to work! I tried to take a picture (while I was driving), but you know how rainbows are. It barely showed up in the picture. That's okay, though -- I saw it, and that's what matters. I love looking at the sky. Everything that happens seems so magnificent, so important. I get such a kick out of all these cosmic coincidences and find meaning in everything. I really feel like the sky has such a story to tell. From shooting stars to rainbows, eclipses, auroras -- even sunsets and full moons. So much beauty and magic.
Soooooooo this past Friday, which would be yesterday, was my 6 month anniversary with Joth. In a way. Our first date was on the autumnal equinox, so 6 months would be the vernal equinox. Now, we weren't officially a couple on that day, but from that point on, there was no one but him. Not in my mind, not in my heart. Well, in a romantic sense, anyway. I came out to see him Wednesday night because Tristan is at his dad's this week. I thought if he could get an uninterrupted night of sleep, he might do better. I had no idea what else to do because no one could help me get him on medication.
Did I talk about how that went? At community mental health? I don't remember. Anyway they put him on a waiting list, Pine Rest can't help because he isn't on my insurance, Rachel flat out said she doesn't want any part of this and won't give her insurance information, and when I went to court to get the papers that the guardianship was terminated so she could drop him from her insurance and give me the document I need to add him to MINE, I found out the guardianship was NOT terminated and we have to go to court. In a month. In the meantime, he was getting sent home from school and I was told he couldn't come back to daycare until things were under control. Oh, one day after I paid ahead for two weeks. And I didn't even get my money back. But anyway that's in the past and there's no point in dwelling on the negative.
Sooooooo while I was at Joth's, things didn't go according to my expectations. However, they did go exactly the way they needed to in order to contribute to maximum growth and evolution of consciousness. While at times there were moments of frustration, fear, anxiety, disappointment, discouragement, and despair, in the end I came to know him better and understand how I can interact with him in a more loving way. We went to Denny's and talked, which was lovely. I read that this was the perfect time to set intentions and just completely reset, so I did. It's not always important to "win", or to be right. I need to focus more on connection and less on competition. I noticed that, more often than not, I was making him my adversary and I didn't even know why. I think it's because I had so much overwhelming frustration in my life, feeling so helpless and out of control, stuck in a spinning destructive spiral of misery. I couldn't contain it. I couldn't escape it. So I dumped it out on really the only person I interact with.
Anyway, so I suppose I should be happy (and I am) that Tristan had an AWESOME week while he was at his dad's. Something as simple as getting enough sleep...who knew? I'm so glad we found the problem. I'm so proud of him and so happy he finally had an entire good week! In fact, he didn't even want to go out for recess on Thursday -- he stayed inside and did math VOLUNTARILY. What. The. Fuck.
But what does this mean? Does that mean that what is best for him is to stay at his dad's? Will I be able to find a first shift job? What if I can't? Am I going to lose him AGAIN? But is it really right for me to keep him with me, performing poorly in school, on medication he may not even need, waking up in the middle of the night just because that's what I want?
I got my judgement of divorce and Tristan's birth certificate, so I just need to go to the Montessori school and finish the application process. I wonder, though. Am I making the right decision? Should I really uproot my entire life and go over there? Is this really what's best for my family? Will his dad try to interfere? Will I find a job over there? Should I still apply for the Emilia Reggio school in GR, just in case? I don't have an intuitive feeling either way. I know that everything is falling apart right now, which is always an indication that something needs to change. But what. What needs to be released?
Probably just my worries. I really need to organize my thoughts. Anyway it's time for lunch and I'm sure the kids are hungry. Later!
I think maybe two energy drinks was TOOOOOO many. I have a lot to write about, though! First of all, that was one long and crazy high, right? I write every single day when I'm manic. It's just one way to release some of the excessive energy. So, based on my posts, I'd say it was like 12 days. I finally came back to baseline...as a matter of fact, that seemed to happen right around the time I went out to see Joth. He has a very stabilizing effect on me.
I was afraid to go out there because the more time that went on, the more I feared it was broken and couldn't be fixed. I got more and more negative and hopeless with each passing day, seeing only the negative and blowing it up to epic proportions. I had convinced myself I wasn't fixable, the relationship wasn't fixable, I would never and could never be loved by anyone, and that was all well and good because I didn't deserve it, I'd never be able to change, and no one should ever get close to me. I couldn't even understand why he wanted me to come out.
I did, though. I really needed to get my mind off things, but I was so worried that I was in no state to behave properly around him. I felt like in my existing emotional state that I was like a bull and going to see him would be like entering a china shop. I was convinced that I'd only make things worse. And at first, I did.
It was great at first, of course, but I was holding inside soooooooooo much fear and anxiety about the stuff with Tristan, and school, and daycare, and how I was going to pay my rent, and moving forward how I'd be able to continue affording my necessities with all the extra costs now with adding him to my insurance, fixing my car, etc etc etc. I already went through the list, I believe, so there's no need to draw our attention back to that place.
I was petrified, though. Constant anxiety. I can't relate to anyone from a calm place with all that chaos distorting my mental processes. So what did I do? Well, I decided to drink. That wasn't such a smart idea because anything I hold inside spills out when I drink, and not always in the most graceful way. Not only that, but the day after drinking I'm usually off-kilter as well. It was horrible. For a moment.
But, after what I had feared had occurred, he was still there. From that point, we started to heal. I opened back up to him after having closed him off and dropped all that exhausting resistance. From that point forward, everything was wonderful. His friend Josh came over while I was there and we had a great time listening to 90's music (which we all know is a weakness of mine, right?) and had wonderful conversations and laughed a lot. It felt so good.
With Tristan, I just decided that all I can do is all I can do and from there I just need to surrender and trust the process. Worrying won't prevent my fears from being realized. I just have to concentrate on what I DO have control over on my end, and let the rest go. Deal with each event as it unfolds. Am I worried that his dad may try to take custody? Well yes, I am. Do I want what is best for my son? Yes, I do. Since he isn't on medication yet and can't go back to daycare, the next best thing for him is to get an uninterrupted night of sleep.
So this week, he's going to stay at his dad's and ride the bus to and from school. I'm sending clothes and his melatonin with him and putting money on his lunch card. Is it a risk, yes. But honestly, if I pay for daycare, that's money I don't have. And I still risk being asked not to send him if he can't keep his behavior under control.
On that note, I did take him to the assessment at community mental health on Friday. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Basically they went over my financial information and because he isn't on my insurance, and Rachel doesn't want me to use THEIR insurance, he had to be put on a waiting list for home based services. So there was no diagnosis, no prescription. I can't keep him home any longer or CPS is going to be knocking at my door with accusations of neglect due to truancy. But, I did call FOC and they said they will send the letter to my employer demanding that Tristan be put on my insurance. That way, I don't have to wait for the guardianship to be terminated. That's another month away.
Today, I ordered a copy of his birth certificate and a copy of my judgement of divorce. When those arrive, I can get my new ID with my correct last name. Wednesday is his conference, so I can get his report card that day. I filled out an application for him today for Battle Creek Montessori Academy. There is a montessori school in Grand Rapids, but they are $800/month. This one is FREE. And the timing was so perfect -- open enrollment closes March 30 for next year. How much more PERFECT could this be? I just need to bring my ID, his shot record, and his report card to the school. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!
Then, I have until the beginning of the school year to figure out living and working situation. My lease ends in August, and Joth's friend just happened to randomly mention that he may be buying a house...in August...and oh, yeah, he'll be looking for roommates. I mean, WHAT? Life is so crazy sometimes. Even if THAT doesn't pan out, I know there will be other options. Now that I've committed myself to the idea, everything seems possible! Everything seems like it's going to be okay! I'm excited again to start another adventure -- yes, I'm a little scared. But it's an exhilarating fear, like the kind you get at the top of a huge hill on a rollercoaster. YAYYYYYYYYYYYY LIFE!!!!!
Well, I got my reason. Remember how I had said that I saw no good reason to avoid inversions while menstruating, and until I heard a satisfying explanation as to why that should be avoided, I was going to keep on doing them anyway? Well yesterday I was looking for an article to post about the "Ladies' Holiday" -- an excuse to take 3 days off because you're bleeding. I never observed it before, I thought it was sexist. And besides, I'm not a baby. I can handle it, shooooooot.
While reading different articles, though, I happened upon one that said that doing inversions while menstruating could lead to irregular bleeding. Hmmmm. This caught my interest, since that is the very issue I have been having. I assumed it was the maca, but everything I've read about maca states the opposite -- maca helps REGULATE these problems, it shouldn't CAUSE them. So what, then, is the cause? This may not be the only answer. It doesn't account for the new symptoms of breast tenderness and hot flashes. That could just be age, who knows. And to be honest, I never HAVE been regular. I know that. It just seems worse over the past year than it has ever been, and the only differences are maca and yoga. Sooooo we'll try this new thing, where I attempt to completely embrace Ashtanga and its schedule. Maybe not in bed by 10 and up before dawn like last year, though. Things are different now.
Anyway, I also read that Vata doshas are just not very regular in general. For anything. That makes a lot of sense, because my mood, sleep schedule, period, bowel movements (hahahaha TMI) are ALL irregular.
Oh. Oh my god. I think I need a blood transfusion. I know you don't want to hear about this, but I'm so tired of ruining clothes. It doesn't matter WHAT I use -- organic super plus tampons, I'll soak through. Menstrual cups, I'll overflow. Not always. I actually read that each month you alternate ovaries, which would make a lot of sense because I seem to alternate normal periods with the horror shows like I'm experiencing now. How am I even alive right now, where is it all coming from??????
I have too many things to think about right now. I'm trying so hard to stay in the moment but there is so much. Tristan school. My car. Rent. My ticket. Daycare. Tristan mental health. Where I'm going to work. My car. Where I'm going to live.
Yesterday, I drank a Starbucks double shot and a 5 hour energy along with my usual cups of coffee and found myself sweating and short of breath after my last break. I very nearly had a panic attack. Thank goodness Joth reminded me of the 4-7-8 breath. Heard of it? You inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8. It was the only thing that worked, except when I was driving I couldn't really focus well enough to count and almost lost my mind again. My chest was hurting. I was losing my connection with reality. I had to give myself a pep talk -- stay with me, Christine. Everything is okay. Focus. Think about good things.
Tristan's friend was murdered yesterday too so that's been rough. I was so sad dropping him off for no good reason, other than the advent of my period and to be honest who really needs any other reason, right? But I saw all these dead animals on the road, and for some reason it just gripped my heart. Roadkill was making me inordinately sad and I didn't know why. The first was this family of white ducks that I had seen walking the day before, then yesterday I saw them dead. I was sad because I was sure someone had to have done it intentionally. How could you? Why would you? It just HURT.
Then, I got to his dad's trailer park as a police car was pulling in and saw all these fire trucks. A trailer was on fire, it was Tristan's friend Cory's trailer. No one was concerned at the time because they didn't think anyone was home. I found out later that the kids had never made it to school and they were both in the trailer when it happened, along with their mother, and no one made it out alive. The father is being investigated on homicide charges. So, so, so sad. Tristan wants to go to the funeral and I guess I'll let him, it's his choice. I'm just concerned as to how it will affect him. He seems like he's doing fine. Maybe he doesn't fully grasp it...or, more likely, he does. I don't want to disrespect the lives left behind, but death is just another transition. I know, I know -- easy to say when it's someone else's children. Would I be so calm if it were my own? I think we all know the answer to that.
I have to tell you about THE. COOLEST. THING. EVERRRRRR! So, yesterday I got to work and walked into the break room. I walked up to the coffee pot with my coffee cup, as I do every day. As I rinsed out my cup, I remembered how the previous night at home, I had mixed a packet of hot chocolate in with my coffee. "Darn it," I thought. "I should have brought some hot chocolate with me! That sounds good right now!"
I started pouring my coffee and glanced over to the sugar and cream area. There, in the Splenda basket, was one single packet of hot chocolate. This was the only day in a year and a half of my being there that this has ever happened. Charter does not provide hot chocolate, I don't know whose it was or where it came from. Ordinarily, I would not have taken it but it seemed like quite naturally it must be for me since it appeared right after I thought about it. How can you argue with a gift from the universe? Of course it was mine! Hahaha. That was really cool though, no lie.
I'm a little afraid. I don't want to speak my fears into existence but I feel a little in over my head. With Tristan's situation, everything is spiraling out of control. Of course, I have had to ask his dad to help. I dread this, because they are always eager to try to snatch whatever opportunity they can try to take Tristan. It has always been this way, and not out of love for him. Shit, when his dad only had him four nights a month, he spent two of those nights away from him. If he loved him so much that he wanted to spend time with him, why did he leave him with his wife on two of his four precious nights? I don't buy it. With him, it's always been about control. It makes things difficult because I WANT to work together, I want to be a team with Tristan's best interests as our common goal.
I fear allowing his dad too much involvement though because he starts to see dollar signs in his eyes. Although he has paid a total of $45 in child support in Tristan's 8 years of living -- no, wait, I'm sorry. I gave that BACK to him because he whined about it. So, he has paid NO child support, and I don't ask him to. I'm paying $125/week for daycare, lunch money out of my own pocket, cleaning his clothes, putting him on my insurance, and I don't ask for a dime. But the second he thinks he might be able to get child support from ME, I know he would jump on it. That's why I'm afraid. Because I'm not in a good position right now, except financially. But I work a crappy schedule.
They may argue that this schedule is contributing to Tristan's behavioral issues, and maybe they would be right. This is all temporary, though, but it makes me nervous because I don't know how long it will be. I haven't heard back from Farmers and I can't find another day shift job right now. Even when we DO have a shift bid, I'm going to get last pick because I am on a written warning for attendance. By the time I get this straightened out, will it be too late? I'm trying to look at all of this as a learning experience and to have equanimity towards everything. It is what it is. Ommmm. I just feel though that things are falling apart.
I owe rent, and my commission week changed. I have been paying my full rent out of my commission check, which is about two weeks late. Now that commission got pushed to the next pay period, rent is going to be a month late. I can't borrow any more out of my 401k. If I use this coming check to pay something toward rent, I'm not going to be able to pay for daycare. If I don't pay for daycare, Tristan will have to stay at his dad's for two weeks. That may be long enough to cause me issues. I'm feeling anxiety. I can't breathe. Oh my god, I don't know what to do. I am so lost right now.
Well, my period came finally, so there's that. Only like 11 days late, whatever. And it's a bad one too, but I guess it's a good excuse to take a ladies' holiday from yoga. Not like I have been observing my 6 days a week, but every week it is still my goal. One day, I will get there.
I thought my energy was stabilizing, but I could barely sleep last night, so definitely still on the manic side. Although honestly that's to be expected until fall. I might go high to baseline and back, but if past years are any indication, I probably won't have any significant lows. That's not to say that I won't feel BAD -- negative emotions just manifest completely differently in the summertime than they do in the winter. In winter, it's immobilizing. In summer, it's self-destructive. But hey, I'm less than 2 months away from my 33rd birthday and I have to believe that I get better and better at this every year.
This feeling. This not knowing what to do. This overwhelming despair. Where did I go wrong. How do I fix this. What is my next move. What was the wrong turn, and how do I correct my course...or am I too far gone. What will become of me????
So, I read this article about a year ago which I am currently unable to locate to link for you. Anyway, this was about the onset of my rabid yoga obsession. The article stated that the author's top 3 must-have supplements for a great yoga practice were maca, spirulina, and ashwagandha. So, without question, I ordered them through the food co-op. Speaking of that, I haven't ordered any food from there in a while. I ran out of chia seeds and there are a few other supplements I want to try.
Sometimes the universe leads us to just the things we need at just the right time. I had already made the decision not to go back on medication. Upon further research of ashwagandha, it is amazing for a billion things that I specifically need help with. Anxiety, panic attacks, energy, focus, mood swings, stamina, insomnia. I know that it sounds weird that one herb can be useful for both insomnia and energy, right? That's what makes it so wonderful. It tastes horrible, but it's an adaptogen -- making it exceedingly useful. It will do what you need it to do and help balance you. Kind of like nature's mood stabilizer, eh? So, nothing bad to say about ashwagandha except that it tastes awful.
Moving on to maca, because that's what this entry is titled, after all. So, maca is supposed to be good for regulating hormones. It's another adaptogen, focusing on hormonal issues like your period, your complexion, hot flashes, mood swings, whatever. Except that honestly, I think it messes with my period! Do you remember in July when I had to go to the doctor because my period was all messed up? I bled for a week, maybe longer. Was done for four days and then started right up again and had another period. Then I skipped one. I got tested for STD's, got blood work done, got a PAP...everything was fine, said the doctor.
Well, my period is LATE. Of course, if this blog is any testament, that truly happens more often than not. In fact, if it was ever "on time", I'd consider that early since it always comes "late". If it's late all the time, I think that means that I just have a long cycle. But anyway, I know it's coming. I broke out, I have the wicked witch temperament, my boobs hurt, and I can't stop eating. And now, a new symptom to add to the list -- hot flashes.
Oh my god, are you serious? I'm only THIRTY TWO. What is going ON with me???? The only thing I can think is that having the maca in my smoothies every day is messing things up. Now, I really don't want to stop taking it. It has so many benefits, and the issues I'm having are the exact issues that it is supposed to REMEDY. Should I be more consistent, making sure not to skip days? Should I put less in my smoothie? I don't know.
So, I'm keeping Tristan home this week. He has an appointment with community mental health on Friday and we will go from there. Also, that's when I will be able to get that document from the court so we can start the process of getting him on my insurance. Asia/Sarah/Freebird/Purple Petunia (I'll just call her Asia moving forward because that's what I met her as) gave me some info about this thing called Neurocore. They have a center near here, and it's a non-medication approach to ADD. It sounds SO AWESOME! It's not just for ADD, either. I may even want to try it at some point.
At first, when I saw the cost, I felt a bit deflated. It's $2,200. That's a lot. The breakdown, though, is $250 for the diagnostic assessment and like $65/session. If I could pay per session, I know I could swing it. Also, I talked to them today and they said that once Tristan is on my insurance, they can do an insurance check because they are considered an in-network provider for my insurance carrier so some of it may be covered. If it is meant to be, I will find a way. I am so grateful that all of the solutions are appearing!
I honestly don't know what will happen in the future. I'm madly in love with Joth and he's the only one who has fought to be with me even after seeing the side of me that drives most others away, family included. I know that I have something very special with him, and being with him is so illuminating and healing. That doesn't mean it's easy. This relationship brings forth all of the wounds that need to be healed. The thing is, though, once those have finally been laid to rest, I sense a dawning of a brand new life, full of possibilities, unhampered by any old weight bringing me down.
I had this dream the other night that I was moving out of an old, dark, dusty attic. The place was FILTHY. I was moving in with Joth so I came to grab what I needed and clean up. I spent a long time sweeping, scooping kitty litter, and throwing away old trash that I had been holding onto. I remember looking at that trash, thinking, "Why did I ever think I needed to hold onto that stuff? Thank goodness I'm not poor now, and I can finally get rid of it." There was a meditation room/ritual space that had become filled and cluttered with this trash (not like rotting food trash, but old plastic containers, plastic bags, boxes, things I thought I might need one day). There were a few plaques with spiritual quotes on them hanging on the wall. Those were nice. I thought to myself that Joth would like those too, so I grabbed them and left the attic. When I walked out, it was night, and I saw a bunch of crystals strewn upon the walk. I remember lots of opals. Also, malachite. Quartz pyramids (small ones), and small selenite towers. I felt guilty putting them in my pockets, but I asked everyone around me to see who had dropped them, and no one claimed them.
On the heels of the hiding in the attic dream of terror I had on Thursday night, I think this means good things. I'm excited to see what comes next in life, and as always, am immensely grateful for every experience and every single moment.
