I don't know yet what to title this, since I have no clue what I'm writing about. Sometimes, I choose a title at the beginning only to blog about something completely unrelated. Like the day I was going to talk about falling down different rabbit holes and where they lead, but instead went on about some relationship issue. Anyway, I have to leave in 20 minutes to get Tristan for his doctor's appointment, so I should get started.
Mood tracking -- super manic insomnia research mode. It's still good, but I've noticed some irritability has crept in. This is not because of other people, but for some reason I am having trouble processing what people say to me. I can hear them, but I can't understand them. I hate having to ask people to repeat themselves, it makes me feel like I look stupid. I'm frustrated with myself for not catching what people are saying to me. It happened all last night at work, and then on the phone with Joth. Sometimes, my brain moves so quickly that I don't understand my own thoughts. I think maybe that's what's happening in conversation. My ears are picking up the sounds, but my brain is not translating the meaning.
I am still getting a lot accomplished, though. I have talked before about growing/resting periods, this is definitely a growing period. I'm going in an active spurt, getting as much as I can done until I need another rest. Make hay while the sun shines, right? Except that's really weird because you don't actually MAKE hay. It's already there! You just bale it, or something. I don't even know what you do with hay. Pick it?
The Montessori school called me yesterday. I feel like I blogged about this already. Anyway, they said that next year they are doing something different and not enrolling any 4-8 graders without a sibling in the school. She asked if I wanted to start Tristan now -- damn, wouldn't THAT be awesome. But it's just not feasible, we still live an hour away. But my next thought was that, if he repeats 3rd grade, he could be enrolled. Now, I wouldn't have him repeat 3rd grade for solely that purpose. It's just that he hasn't really made any progress this year in the special ed class -- it's really just glorified daycare. The principal at the Montessori school asked if his teacher would recommend that, so I emailed his teacher and she emailed me back. She agreed that, while Tristan is very smart, his behaviors get in the way of his academics and it might be best for him to repeat 3rd grade. He is a young 3rd grader anyway, with a September birthday, so I think he'll be fine.
So anyway, I forwarded the email to the Montessori school and things are still moving full speed ahead. I've continued with the job search, but I feel like that is best saved for summer because right now, Tristan still goes to school in Wayland. If I work closer to Springfield (where his new school is), he would either have to stay with his dad (NO) or I'd have to drive him to school an hour and pick him up an hour and I don't happen to own an oil refinery, so....maybe I should just wait. The perfect opportunity will present itself at precisely the right time, I have faith.
Part 2 -- gotta keep the faith. What am I to be learning from this? What does it mean? I am not getting discouraged, just receiving information and trying to process it to make the best next choices. I'm not getting negative or giving up. But honestly, what do I do?
I went to pick Tristan up from school. Yesterday was good, Monday was good. When I got there, he was being restrained again. He was spitting on his teachers, kicking, biting. I tried to get him to calm down but he started throwing things at kids in the room. His teacher told me that he had been saying that he was going to go get a knife and cut everyone's heads off. I asked him if I should call his dad and he screamed, "I HATE MY FUCKING DAD!" But, he only acts like this when he knows that I am coming. So this tells me the problem is NOT with his dad. Whatever it is that I need to do, I will do it!
The problem is, everyone has an opinion, and I don't necessarily think they're right. I don't think scaring my child into blind obedience via threats and intimidation is going to contribute to his emotional and psychological health down the road. Could I be a better parent? Obviously, yes. But the advice I'm being given seems like it wouldn't help, just screw him up in a different way. Am I so wrong to believe that parenting can be done with kindness and respect? Is it so inconceivable that a child can be raised right, and still treated like a person? Is it honestly possible for a family to thrive with teamwork and cooperation, rather than operating on some archaic model of force and domination? This is what is wrong with our culture. People are stuffed down, shut up, pushed in line, bullied, coerced, manipulated. I don't want to raise a generation like this. Children only learn what they see. I don't want this to continue. However, I must admit, I can not control my child.
And control...what is THAT? I shouldn't NEED to control my child. He is not my possession. He does not belong to me. He should not be required to conform to my ideas for his life. I am, however, responsible for teaching him and guiding him. For keeping him safe. If I have no boundaries, how will he ever learn to respect the boundaries of others? I want to have boundaries, and I know they're important. But when it comes time to enforce them...I have nothing. I know what I don't want to do, but nothing else I try seems to work. I know that something needs to change. I know it needs to happen fast. I trust that the answers I seek will find me, but in the meantime, time to breattttttttttttttttthe and center myself. It will all be okay. It IS all okay.
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