Faded

I don't drink very often.  As a matter of fact, I JUST returned my beer bottles from the summertime to put gas in my car, and I got back around $7.  However, that ALSO includes all the Four Lokos and Mike's Hard Lemonades I've consumed with Joth since that time.  All summer, I consumed like 6 sixpacks.  Not that it matters, or that I need to explain myself.  I have gone through phases where I drank every day.  Others where months would pass without a drop.  Like cigarettes, I can take it or leave it.

Last night, OHHHHHHHHHH last night, I took it.  And I didn't do it to drown my sorrows or because I felt like I needed to.  It was sunny, I was in a fantastic mood, and I finally had a chance to hang out with a FRIEND for once.  I missed hanging out with Shyloh.  I haven't seen ANY of my friends for the longest time.  When would I have had time?  I either was at work, had my kids, or was with Joth.  So I was determined that it was going to be FUN.  Plus, we were celebrating her belated birthday.  

I got there and we went to Ema's.  We rode our bikes to the liquor store, which was a good  thing because the parking lot is all torn up and there wouldn't have been a place to park my car.  But we didn't think it through very well, and trying to bring back a fifth of Jaeger, a six pack of beer, and a bottle of wine was a bit difficult to say the least via bicycle.  We managed.  I like dark beers, and/or fruity beers.  I don't like pale watered-down tasting beers, so I don't know why I bought the beer I did.  Okay, yes I do know.  It was only because the bottle was cool.  Look!

Anyway, we made it back and I had two beers.  I was feeling pretty tipsy.  Ema is pretty hot, but she is 1) married and 2) I THINK kinda Shyloh's girlfriend.  At least Shyloh thinks she is.  I don't know what Ema would say about that.  When we had first arrived, Ema was topless and asked me to help her put apple cider vinegar on her sunburn, which I felt really bad about (the sunburn) but was all too happy to oblige.  Anyway, we got to drinking and her husband said something about how he had a bathtub big enough for the three of us.  We went to get more beer and to meet up with Tet.

(SMALL fucking world, he was coming out to Battle Creek to see his kids...who JUST SO HAPPEN to live in Shyloh's trailer park!  So he decided to stop by and party with us.  It's a two and a half hour drive for him, and Shyloh hadn't seen him in 8 years.  Back in the day, Tet and I were the Ema and JJ, except not married.   And Shyloh played the same role then that she does now.)  

Things were getting interesting.  Anyway, Tet came back with us.  He had vodka and Sunny D for me.  I drank, ohhhhh, 3 or 4 mixed drinks?  They were light on the alcohol, though, and although I was getting tipsy, I was having a great time and still very much with my wits about me.  Just super happy, and carefree.  And slurring my words maybe and not making so much sense, perhaps.  But no one cared.  Then JJ ran us a bath.  He lit some candles for us, set out some towels, everything...and he wasn't lying, the bath really WAS big enough for all 3 of us.  (Me, Shyloh, and Ema)  We were in there at least 2 hours.  I think Tet was getting pissed.  

Anyway, Ema had to work in the morning and JJ was really drunk and he was asking HER permission to do stuff with ME, when he walked in and the three of us were naked in the bedroom.  I didn't want to, nothing against JJ, not only is he a GUY but he's EMA'S guy.  Double strikes, I'm not really interested in men at all right now, if ever.  But he is very nice, and it had been so thoughtful and courteous of him to make us the bath and cook us some food.  I was naked on the bed and he asked her, "Is it okay if I go on impulse right now?"  I know he wouldn't have pushed anything if I hadn't wanted to.  But I was struggling trying to come up with the words I would use to reject him kindly if she DID say she was okay with it.  I wanted to be polite, I wanted to say no, I feared I wouldn't.  

So, I said hey!  I'm getting my period soon.  Got dressed, Ema passed out/fell asleep, and Tet drove Shyloh and I to her trailer.  Because goddess knows that I wasn't in any condition!  JJ had come back to check on us while we were in the bathtub and asked if anyone needed anything, and I asked for a refill on my drink.  I forgot to tell him not to make it strong, and that drink tipped me over the line into shit faced drunk as fuck.  No way could I drive.  I couldn't even walk.  We went back to Shyloh's, sat up and chatted a while, then slept in her tent that she has set up in her room.  Tet had his arm around me and I couldn't have cared less, and he was respectful and didn't try anything so I was super grateful for that.  I slept great.  

This morning, I woke up, and I had my period.  Well, see!  I was right!  But hey, as ashamed as I am of not having done yoga in a month...this is the first time it hasn't been LATE in like a year!  So, I really think there is some validity to the advice not to do inversions on your period.  We'll say that my failure to practice since my last period was just an experiment, to see if I would get the next one on time.  And I did!  Okay, 2 days past due.  Better than 2 weeks!!!  I was in Shyloh's living room, trying to smoke a cigarette.  Yeah, I haven't smoked since end of January-ish...and I bought a pack last night.  Man, I'm SLIPPING!  But, I was partying, and all rules were OFF last night.  

Anyway, I heard this lady YELLING at her kid the next trailer over.  It twisted my heart.  I had tears just rolling down my face, I could feel so much pain for this poor innocent child.  I wondered about the emotional wreckage inside, wondered if his own heart hurt as much as mine did for him, wondered how deeply he would be wounded, what type of person he would grow up to be.  I wondered how these demons would play out in his later relationships.  I wondered if children like that grow up to meet children without those type of scars, and maybe if they can be healed by them...or would they destroy them.  I wondered how many generations the pain and abuse would be passed down.  I wondered how guilty I was that I sat, hearing it all, and doing nothing.  But what COULD I do?  It didn't sound like she was hitting him.  She was just SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, over and over again.  First she was yelling at him for getting into the groceries before she had put them away.  Then she was yelling at him for crying.  I would estimate that she yelled at LEAST 30 times (and that is, unfortunately, a conservative estimate) "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!"  And she also threw in, "Quit your fucking crying!" and "Stop acting like a goddamn baby!"  All kind of horrible things.  The worst was when she called him stupid.  What a dagger to your heart!  Your own mother!  It just made me want  to get home and love and squeeze and hug my own kids.  

This brings me to some further introspection about what's going on with Joth.  I don't want to seem like all I see are his flaws and that I hold myself blameless.  That's the problem.  He's fucked up, for sure.  Is it his fault?  No, whether he believes his childhood affected him or not, I have seen the evidence that clearly it did.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize...we're all fucking wounded.  Because no one had perfect parents, everyone's parents messed up in some way or another.  And any mistakes made at that crucial time of growing up, well, they all played a huge part in who we have become and how we conduct ourselves in relationships.  I feel like my parents did a pretty good job.  I know they tried their hardest and they really WANTED to be good parents.  A lot of what they did as parents was learned from there parents, and so on and so forth on back the line.  But I am fucked up.  Joth is fucked up.  Shit, EVERYONE is fucked up.  

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I've done so much research and reading, because I want to KNOW, and I want to know because then I can FIX it.  I am on a constant mission of self-improvement.  There's no shame in my game.  If I had reason to think that I myself was somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism, well sure, I would sign myself up for whatever classes and support groups and read books and get therapy.  As much as it hurt when someone sent me those books about narcissism, clearly trying to imply that they believed me to be one, I really don't find anything I can use in there.  With an open mind, I took them down off the bookshelf before I went down to Battle Creek and while sure, I can relate to a couple characteristics, I can honestly say that the profile of a narcissist doesn't fit me.  I found myself obsessively picking apart checklists and paragraphs, trying to figure out what someone had seen in me, how I had given this impression off, who it had been.  If someone SAW it, it must be THERE.  But I scoured those books, and ended more confused.  My answer isn't there.

Do I still think he's my twin flame?  How could I NOT, just because we aren't together?  Just because we CAN'T be together?  How is it possible to have that much in common with someone?  What are the chances that I'd have had so many unexplainable, weird, synchronistic experiences?  How could it NOT have meant something?  Of course it did.  I don't think any of us have to be prisoners of our pasts.  From what I've read about people with all of the tendencies he displays, there is very little hope of recovery.  But is it impossible?  I refuse to believe it!  Why would we be put into this lifetime and given demons to haunt us, but no tools with which to slay them?  Why would the game be rigged against someone like that?  What would the point be of being ALIVE?  We all have something to conquer.  I think we ALL have a chance.  Unfortunately, though, we are on different levels in so many different ways.  

My intuition has spoken, and I can't trust him.  I know deep in my BONES I can't.  I'm not judging, though.  I've been a liar, a cheat, a game player.  We all work through different things.  At the end of the day, does it even MATTER which label we affix to our carton?  These are man-made descriptions.  Flawed and incomplete.  In my heart, it's as simple as this.  In our life, we will encounter pain.  As a response to that pain, we will develop dysfunctional behaviors.  When we become aware of them, they can be healed and addressed.  I think it's just that simple, and it applies to everyone, and there is no one beyond saving.  We all have value.  We all have worth.  Every last one of us MATTERS, damn it!  We DO!