Weary

I don't have a title, I don't have a picture.  I barely even have words, but I'm going to type them.  I'm not...low but I'm not high either.  And I wouldn't really say that where I am is normal, either.  I feel like I'm waiting for something.  I'm the rubber band, having been streeeeeeeeeeeeeetched back, momentarily still...but at any moment...whatever is holding me here is going to let go.  This is not true calm.  This is not actual peace.  This is the part where all of the birds go eerily silent before the storm rolls in.  There's nothing I can DO, because nothing has actually HAPPENED yet.  

And maybe nothing will.  But the more time that goes by that I work until midnight, the longer Tristan goes to his dad's after school, the more I feel as if I am tempting fate and building their own case for them.  On one hand, I should not be afraid.  I'm NOT afraid, I'm just annoyed.  I don't honestly think they would win if they took me to court, why?  Already we have joint custody.  I'm not keeping him from them, and I'm paying for everything.  There is no abuse or neglect, so why would anyone award them full custody?  When they've never been his primary caregivers, ever?  I guess I just worry that since he is there so often, maybe they WOULD.  

I mean, I could send him back to daycare, but they said they'd rather have him go to their house.  And I want Tristan to have equal time with me, so I pick him up when I get out.  Does that make me a bad mother?  Am I being selfish for inconveniencing everyone at 1 AM so I can have breakfast with him and pack his lunch and bring him to school?  

When he stayed there for a couple weeks though, overnight, while we were waiting for his psychiatrist appointment...he didn't shower.  He didn't brush his teeth.  I STILL paid for his lunches and brought over clothes for him.  At least when he's with me, I can make sure he is clean.  

Plus, this shift is supposed to be TEMPORARY.  Why would I want to make a permanent change in custody in response to a temporary change in schedule?  The difficult thing is, though, I don't know WHEN I'll be able to go back on days.  We never know.  We keep getting these voluntary mini shift bids, but if you have progressed past a verbal warning, you are not eligible to participate.  And I'm on a written, and it lasts one year.  I can't wait a year.

Why am I so worried?  Well, I picked up Tristan last night and he said that he overheard Sarah talking to Andrew about taking me to court.  I was incensed.  How DARE you.  I mean, really.  Eight YEARS and never a DIME of child support has been paid.  They have NEVER come to a single conference, class party, or field trip.  They have never brought him to the doctor or the psychiatrist.  He is on my insurance, and I take care of EVERYTHING.  And I ask nothing from them.  As SOON as they think they see an opening, they plot to try to take control and I just KNOW it's because they want ME to pay THEM child support.  FUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT.

Sorry for the negativity.  If we have to go into battle, I will win.  But I am just so exhausted over the past two YEARS of ongoing battle with Blair and Rachel, stress that I never thought I would be free of.  Now it has finally ended and the last thing I want to do is go back out onto the battlefield!  NO!  I just want to be happy, and for my kids to be happy, and for everyone to get along.  I want to let down my guard and breathe deeply.  I want to walk confidently, free of fear and suspicion.  I want to move FORWARD.  I just don't have time to wrap all of my energy up into these spirals of spite and ego.  I don't want it.  I don't want to participate.  I want it DONE.  Please.  I'm just too tired to go another round.  

So, today I didn't get out of bed until...well, a few minutes ago.  I just don't want to face it anymore.  When will it ever stop?