I have a big day today! I'm going to drop off Tristan's application at the Child Discovery Center -- the Emilia Reggio school I was talking about before. I knew in my heart we wouldn't be moving to Battle Creek. Isn't it weird how you can be in the process of making plans for something, while at the same time realizing on some subconscious level that you will not actually end up doing that thing? Like Peace Fest, last year. I just had the feeling I wouldn't be there. Even though I bought the tickets, and I took the time off work, so there was no reason for me to think I wouldn't go. But I always knew I wouldn't be there, I just felt it. I had no way to predict the events which led to me not going, but intuition is crazy that way sometimes.
When I heard about this school, I got a good feeling. Everything seemed to be lining up perfectly, especially when Asia said she could get me into the coop. Haha, when I read that, it looks like coop, like chicken coop. I should probably have used a hyphen. Co-op. There, better. BAWK! Anyway. I can see this happening. It feels good to me. Anyway, today is the last day to register for next year so I'm doing it! I also need to get an alignment on my car. Shy said that it seems like something bearing tie rod I don't fucking know, but I DO know it sounds scary because a broken tie rod was what caused the accident I almost died in, so I guess I should get that checked out.
If there's one thing I learned being with Joth -- hell, I learned a LOT of things -- but there is no coincidence, everything can be a metaphor for something else. Like with the car thing -- I had no contact in my left eye, and my left headlight kept going out. No shit. I just replaced it, and I also replaced my contacts, so I think we're good to go for a while. But now the damn thing is out of alignment. Hmmmmm. What could THAT mean? So, I can take the car to a shop to get that fixed. But how do I realign MYSELF? I guess getting back to yoga would be a good start. I should really give meditation another go as well. Healthy eating, smoothies, more reading? Lots of time outside. Laughing, playing, smiling, singing. I think I'll be okay.
OOOOOH! So Tristan had a SUPER AWESOME day yesterday!!!! He got one of those big math sheets with like 400 problems on it that used to freak him out (and honestly I don't blame him, it made ME squeamish just to look at it) and he said he didn't get frustrated, he "kicked that math in the booty" and only got ONE wrong!!! He told me that he is thankful for his medicine. I could just cry right now. I feel really bad waiting so long. I also feel like a failure for not being able to help him do this WITHOUT drugs. But I'm not saying there's anything wrong with his brain, there isn't! And I love him just the way he is. But if there are tools available to make it easier for him to focus, we're all happier. In a perfect world, no, he wouldn't need them. I don't like having to use them. But I like his happiness, his success, his confidence. It's so worth it.
It makes me wonder. I've been working so hard at managing bipolar without medication. I see how much of a difference these pills have made in my son. Is it possible that MY life could become that much easier if I treated MY condition? But, I've done that before. I already know the answer because I'm doing the best I've ever done in my life, and from age 15 to age 30 I was on meds the majority of the time. Anyway, I was doing my obsessive googling last night, playing armchair psychiatrist. That's one of my favorite games, researching mental illness.
I have learned so much by doing that, and it all pretty much comes back to Mexican food. It's all the same ingredients, just arranged differently. I might have bipolar and someone else might have NPD and someone else might be ADHD and when you start to compare all of these different things, it becomes difficult (if not impossible) to distinguish what belongs where. There is so much overlap. So, you might have a burrito and she might have a chimichanga and I might have a taco, but we all have the same main ingredients. It all boils down to a tortilla and meat. Maybe you have cheese and she has lettuce and I have green sauce and you both have red sauce. But at the heart of the issue, we're all the same. It's just the way the pain manifests in our individual personalities that differentiates us.
SOOOOOOOOOOO, I think I found it. Remember how I said I was reading through the books on narcissism, and I just didn't fit the profile. At times, yes, I do some of those things and I freely admit it. But I don't enjoy the spotlight, I don't brag or exaggerate my accomplishments, and I definitely do not lack empathy. I can, however, turn it OFF when other people's pain becomes too overwhelming. It's a coping mechanism. If, for example, I know that I need to leave a relationship but it is hurting the other person for me to break up with them, well, I could never leave if I didn't have the ability to tune out their pain. If my child is hurting and I need to be on top of my game to help him or her, I need to shut out their suffering and get down to business. Otherwise, how would I function? Flooded with the sorrow of others? I'm no good to anyone if I'm immobilized by their pain, am I?
Anyway, so I came across this article. It was about the INVERTED NARCISSIST. It was depressing, but encouraging. I could absolutely see myself in almost every bullet point. The encouraging part? Some of the characteristics used to apply, and they no longer do. This tells me that NO ONE is hopeless. People CAN change, even a personality disorder like narcissism which everyone thinks is incurable. It's not true, because I have worked hard and overcome many of the things I used to struggle with. So this is incentive to keep moving forward and "kick this mental illness' booty". I'm not where I want to be, but I'm closer than I was. If I choose to, I can allow every experience to be an opportunity for growth. Here's an excerpt from the article:
The only thing that doesn't really apply anymore is the envy. I have learned to be happy with my life, and what I have, and to be grateful. There will always be something I don't have, someone who looks like they have it better, and I have learned that we all have struggles and blessings. There is someone who would love the life I have, and I try to cherish it every day without thinking about what I long for. Also, my self-esteem has improved, a lot.
At the core, though, there still remains the shadow of a ghost of a whispering voice chanting repeatedly that I am nothing, I am worthless, I am not good enough, and no one could ever love me...not if they really knew me. It is this, I believe, more than anything which sabotages my relationships. It even said the IN reacts unfavorably to attention and compliments, because they threaten her belief that she is inferior and causes cognitive dissonance.
The worst part, though, is that the IN will only date a narcissist. She is incapable of feeling loved by a non-narcissist. And I guess that's true, because the overkill of the idealization feels like REAL love to me. And I'm addicted to that, and the intensity is reassuring. My sense of self-worth is a direct reflection of my partner's assessment of my worth. When I am idealized by them, I feel like I am okay. When I start to become devalued, I feel despair. It always feels like, oh, now that they know who I really am, they can no longer love me. This always happens to me, because deep inside the person I really am is unlovable. That is why they stopped loving me, because now they know who I really am, and I am not worthy of love.
There have been people -- normal(ish) people -- who have loved me before. I couldn't feel it, though. I wasn't able to feel the love, because they didn't show it like a narcissist does. I read that a narcissist/inverted narcissist relationship is symbiotic. The narcissist needs supply (ego stroking), and the invert feeds off of the narcissist's dependence on their supply. And I see that. It's how I feel about sex -- the enjoyment of sex, for me, is never in what I feel. It's how much pleasure my partner is feeling. Which is why I cry if my partner doesn't orgasm. Why I feel worthless when he or she doesn't seem into it. I couldn't care less if I feel good. The more you enjoy it, the more I enjoy it. And if you don't, I'd rather not. I am here to boost your happiness, and if I can do that, I am happy myself.
The problem lies in the fact that the narcissist can never stay interested in just you. It's heady, that feeling, that being engulfed by him or her. The being the center of his universe, prized, cherished. You always tell yourself it will last forever. You always try to find ways to make sure it does. And time after time, it doesn't. The sparkle fades. You are discarded. And that's where I'm stuck right now -- I have arrived at an age at which I finally have recognized the pattern, and I know that there is no returning to the paradise in which the relationship begins. You can never get that back. So I no longer try. But at the same time, I am still so addicted to that obsessive full-force passionate all-consuming "love", that I am also not able to truly pursue a healthy relationship with a non-disordered individual. Where does that leave me?
"The Reactive Patterns of the Inverted Narcissist (IN)
The Inverted Narcissist does not suffer from a "milder" form of narcissism. Like the "classic" narcissists, it has degrees and shades. But it is much more rare and the DSM-IV-TR variety is the more prevalent.
The Inverted Narcissist is liable to react with rage whenever threatened, or…
…When envious of other people's achievements, their ability to feel wholeness, happiness, rewards and successes, when her sense of self-worthlessness is diminished by a behaviour, a comment, an event, when her lack of self-worth and voided self-esteem is threatened. Thus, this type of narcissist might surprisingly react violently or wrathfully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a reward, a compliment, a proposition, or a sexual advance.
…When thinking about the past, when emotions and memories are evoked (usually negative ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight.
…When her pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of injustice and being discriminated against or deprived by a spiteful world.
…When she comes across stupidity, avarice, dishonesty, bigotry – it is these qualities in herself that all types of narcissists really fear and reject so vehemently in others.
…When she believes that she failed (and she always entertains this belief), that she is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for nothing half-baked creature.
…When she realises to what extent her inner demons possess her, constrain her life, torment her, deform her and the hopelessness of it all.
When the Inverted Narcissist rages, she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. She uncannily spots and attacks the vulnerabilities of her target, and mercilessly drives home the poisoned dagger of despair and self-loathing until it infects her adversary.
The calm after such a storm is even eerier, a thundering silence. The Inverted Narcissist regrets her behaviour and admits her feelings while apologising profusely.
The Inverted Narcissist nurtures her negative emotions as yet another weapon of self-destruction and self-defeat. It is from this repressed self-contempt and sadistic self-judgement that the narcissistic rage springs forth.
One important difference between Inverted Narcissists and non-narcissists is that the former are less likely to react with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) following the breakup of their relationships with a their narcissists. They seem to be "desensitised" to narcissists by their early upbringing.
Whereas the reactions of normal people to narcissistic behaviour patterns (and especially to the splitting and projective identification defence mechanisms and to the idealisation devaluation cycles) is shock, profound hurt and disorientation – inverted narcissists show none of the above."
No comments:
Post a Comment