Renaissance

Well, I am having trouble adding a picture right now so I'll just skip that part.  I'm at work and lots of changes are happening.  It feels good, though.  I feel a sense of expansion, new dawning awareness, growth and development. 

I think I saw it on a Spirit Science movie, or maybe somewhere else.  It was talking about how society, humanity, whatever...we go in cycles.  Going from awakening to falling back asleep and awakening again.  As we know, everything we observe in nature or in society at large can be found within our own selves at all, and even the microcosms within our own selves.  I had a startling revelation as I drove to work one day -- I am having a personal renaissance.  In fact, I do every spring, and each winter is like the Dark Ages.  I am once again awakening.  What I found interesting in the movie, though, is that they said that each time we wake up, we are a little more advanced than the last time.  So it's like we take two steps forward during the awakening and one step back during the falling asleep phase -- but when we awake again and take two steps, we're further ahead than last spring.

Of course we can see cycles everywhere, in the seasons, the moon phases, a woman's body.  This helps me to understand.  But anyway, another phase has ended, and that's okay.  I have learned what I needed to from it.  I have grown, significantly.  It was so valuable!  But it was not meant to be permanent -- nothing in life is.  I have more personal information that needs to be blogged, but I'll save that for a private entry.

Tristan is doing great on his new medication!  I am so happy and so proud of him.  I feel like I've been unstuck, now I'm doing things with the kids again and making progress by leaps and bounds.  I was just treading water for so long.  Today, I took them to the gem and mineral show.  I probably spent too much money, but it was so nice to go.  I got a really cool merkaba pendulum, some selenite, a bunch of quartz, a piece of kyanite, rose quartz, flourite, amethyst, citrine, and some agate from Montana.  I think it was Montana.  Anyway, I also got 3 chip bracelets -- goldstone, aventurine, and lapis.  And two necklaces, one is amethyst and quartz, the other is flourite.  We stopped at one booth, which thankfully was woo-woo friendly (some of these rock hounds are very serious and think people like me are silly) and Juju picked up a crystal and started talking about how the energy felt. 

The guy behind the booth perked right up and started pulling some amazing stuff out from under the table for us to feel.  There was this giant piece of pineapple quartz, it felt so...light and airy.  Such a good feeling.  Anyway, he gave her a selenite heart and she closed her eyes and started humming.  Then she said it reminded her of home.  Her home from before, before this life.  When she still had her angel life.  And she was lost.  That's about when I cut her off and awkwardly said we needed to leave to go get ice cream.  Why was I so worried about looking weird?  I AM weird.  And anyway, it's not me, it's her.  What does it matter?  Why do I care about how she reflects on me?  I am pretty ashamed of being uncomfortable.  Why?  How would I feel if my weirdness made others uncomfortable?  The guy let her keep the selenite heart and when I got to work, I googled it and found that it can help you connect to past life memories and the angelic realm.  Don't I feel like a giant tool.

Speaking of, I discovered something important about me after CPS left and I felt amazingly relieved.  A subconscious part of me came to light and I saw it, and marveled at its existence.  I realized that part of me feels like they will find out.  That I am hiding something.  That if they believe I am a good mother, it's only because I did a good job of fooling them.  For so long I've carried this around, this fear that everyone will find out I am a fraud, a bad mother.  But then I stopped.  I finally realized that, although that might have been the case years ago, I really AM being genuinely everything I say I am!  I'm really NOT hiding anything!  I really AM the same person to everyone who knows me.  It suddenly dawned on me that even if there were cameras installed in my car, every room in my home, and at work -- there would be nothing to discover that would contradict what they've seen.  Yes, they would see me yelling, more often than I'd like to.  But I'm authentic.  If they believe I'm a good mother, and that I deserve to parent my child, why deep down inside do I constantly doubt it? 

That carries over into friendships.  I always feel like, if they got close enough, they'd see who I really am and wouldn't like me anymore.  But my outsides and my insides aren't really all that different anymore.  I honor myself, I live my truth, I live according to my highest principles.  Which is exactly why I knew in my heart it was time to walk away from this relationship.  I will not question my intuition.  It's time.