This entry is going to be private, because I need to be honest. SUUUUUUUUUUUUPER honest. Even when I knew that Joth was reading my blog sometimes, I was still committed to blogging exactly the way I did before. If he became upset by something I said, he didn't have to read it. But after a while, I started censoring myself, or leaving things out, or becoming self-conscious about how I said something because it might upset him. But it needs to come out.
We all know that I am bipolar, and I have had my share of relationship issues. This is why I say that this relationship was so valuable, because I worked really hard at becoming a better communicator and addressing my issues. Because, you know, everything bad that happened between us was my fault. I believed that, because I am very sensitive and a little crazy. But even when I did a complete 180, his reactions were exactly the same. I became suspicious. He then claimed that it was STILL my fault, because he was traumatized by how I acted before, and he was reacting in fear to what I had done in the past. But I started looking back over our relationship through this new lens, and I noticed things I hadn't before.
1. The first issue we had. We were a new couple, maybe not even official yet. We were lying next to each other on my bed, and he pulled out his phone. Started going through all of these pictures of women, some scantily clad. This is my ex girlfriend, and she's awesome because of this. This is my ex girlfriend, and she's a model/actress/superhero whatever. Most of them pretty. I became confused, and insecure. Why are you showing me all of these pictures of your exes? Why do you even still have their pictures in your phone? Have you not moved on? Why are you with ME, then? Am I supposed to feel threatened, competitive? Are you trying to hurt me? Why are you showing me this? I held it in and held it in and held it in.
Finally, he showed me a seductive picture of his ex's sister. It all came out. WHY would you have been talking to your ex's SISTER in this manner? WHY do you have her picture? Are you not trustworthy? That's like an unspoken rule, you know. Even if we broke up....the sister, no, you just don't go there. So anyway, I said something. The rest came out, and it turned into ME apologizing to HIM. HE was the victim, the injured party. He reframed the entire situation that he was "being vulnerable" and "sharing his life with me", opening up to me and showing me these things, and I was some cold-hearted bitch who rejected him and shut him down. I made him feel not safe to entrust me with his heart. AND I FELT BAD. I turned around and apologized and kissed his ass, because of course I had no idea! I never intended to hurt HIM, I had only wondered why he would want to hurt ME!
2. Later on down the road, I shared some information about me with him from my past as it related to my former promiscuity. I thought he would be open minded about it, because he had been involved in the fetish scene in AZ. I confided in him that I had been a sex worker for two years. He acted like he was accepting of it, and I had no reason to think he wouldn't be. Then, the night he picked me up because I had gotten pulled over on a suspended license, I kept trying to talk to him and he kept basically interrupting me and refusing to listen, like he didn't care. Finally, he pretty rudely told me to stop talking about negativity because I might fuck up his mojo or jinx him or whatever. I got miffed, because yes, I was looking for comfort and he was refusing to even pretend he cared. So I crossed my arms across my chest and pouted about it. To which HE railed at ME about how he drove all this way to come get me, and blah blah blah, I'm ungrateful after all he does for me. I apologized and kissed his ass, we got home, and he turned into a total douchebag.
We were sitting on the floor, drinking some 4 loko. He acted like everything was okay, but it wasn't. Then he brought up this crap about what I had told him, and he was having a hard time accepting it and processing it, and I couldn't blame him for that, and any other guy would have judged me for it but he isn't, but he's having a hard time with that and I have to be okay with it. He basically said I had shared this thing, and it made him feel insecure. I chose that moment to draw a parallel between this experience and the first one. I said yes, I can accept that what I shared made you feel insecure and that you are okay to react in this way. Can you not make the same concession for me? Can you not recognize how, in the same way, the pictures you shared with me made me feel insecure, and I was ALSO okay to react in this way? That conversation took a twist into bizarro-land, and I had difficulty following it, but I think he was trying to say that he was acting like a jerk because he had a hard time accepting what I shared with him, but THAT was only because I had rejected him FIRST when he had shared something with ME, so basically I deserve it and it's all my fault.
I stuck to my guns and tried to keep us in the land of reality, but he refused to see the double standard. So much to the point where he started freaking OUT, grabbing my laundry off the floor and wadding it up in his fists, making these helpless squeals of a tortured animal in misery, begging me to stop stop stop because he was having a panic attack and he just couldn't TAKE it anymore. If I loved him, I would be kind, and not say these things that his fragile heart was just too damaged to withstand. I had compassion and sympathy. But I started to see something.
3. One day, and I don't know if it was after #1 or after #2, but somewhere...we had some disagreement about something. I'm not sure what it was about but I'm sure it was my fault, because you know, nothing is EVER his fault. *eyeroll* Anyway, he decided to withhold sex from me. His claim was that if there's negativity between us, he just can't "turn on". It was not supposedly to punish me, but only because he couldn't get in the mood since we had been fighting. He climbed in bed next to me, where I had been waiting for him. He said something about why don't we have sex in the morning, or whatever.
This was not the first time, nor was it the last time, that we'd be making out and start going down that road...only for him to abruptly stop, and change gears, and say I'm sorry we're not having sex blah blah blah trauma, or blah blah blah let's do it in the morning. I HATE scheduling sex. It takes all of the passion and spontaneity out of it. I like to just feel the chemistry, the spark, start making out, take each other's clothes off, express our love for one another naturally and riding the waves of passion. Not, oh, it's 10:00 AM and we are scheduled for a fornication session. Please insert your penis into my vagina. Now that I look back at it, though, I feel that he did it on purpose. He knew exactly what he was doing -- to be crass, he'd get me all horny and turned on, then decide he didn't want to have sex, leaving me wanting. It gave him a feeling of power and control. I hated it so much that I forced myself to stop wanting sex with him. Even #3 is what triggered that.
So anyway, he said let's have sex in the morning and I turned away from him, feeling rejected, and said never mind. How about never, then. This conversation turning into him sleeping on the couch, and of course I'm not going out there begging him to come back. Whatever, fuck you. So then in the morning I tried to talk to him about it, and it turned into that I was objectifying him, and expecting him to have sex with me when he didn't want to and punishing him for not doing it, he compared me to a RAPIST and to a TERRORIST. He said it was terrorism. But the thing is, I was NOT punishing him for not giving me sex! I was being upset. I have the RIGHT to be upset. You just made out with me and looked deeply and passionately into my eyes, seductively, had me waiting in the bed for you thinking we'd pick up where we left off...and then decided you didn't want to. It made me wonder why you didn't want to. What was wrong with me. Why you weren't turned on anymore. Why you didn't want me like I wanted you. Whether I was ugly, whether you didn't love me. I did not punish you. I tried my best to contain my feelings of rejection and NEVER said, well too bad! You ARE having sex with me now, whether you like it or not! That's what a rapist would say. I NEVER said, well, if you do not have sex with me, I will make you pay! I will torture you, I will kill your family, I will fly an airplane into your country's buildings. That's what a terrorist would do.
The whole feeling during this argument...it was surreal. Things didn't make any sense. It was my first indication that something was seriously off with this guy. But I kept on, part of me believing that the problem really WAS with me, and if only I could fix it, we would be happy. So from that point on, I never wanted sex from him again, never acted upset if he didn't want to, but unfortunately on the flip side of that coin...in order to do that, so as not to upset him, I just had to turn off completely. I never enjoyed sex with him after that, either. Because I was afraid to let myself get too turned on, for fear that he might withdraw at the last minute, leaving me unable to mask my disappointment. It was safer to not get turned on, which meant that when we DID have sex, it was just kinda meh. It wasn't that good anymore.
4. He has this mirror in his room. I hate going in his room to talk to him, because we will sit on the bed and he will stare at his reflection, pretty much continuously. You don't know how many times I had the impulse to break that stupid thing. We'd be talking, and he'd be WATCHING HIMSELF TALK TO ME, rather than looking at me. Ugh. I decided that if we ever DID move in together, there would be NO FUCKING MIRRORS in our house.
5. He lives with his mom, which is much more serious than it originally appeared. He tried to make it sound cool at first, like ohhhhhhhhh I have this CASTLE, and my mom has her own part of the house and I have my own part of the house and I'm self-sufficient and I work and take care of myself and she just lives there. NO. He does not pay rent. He does not pay bills. He does not buy groceries -- his mom feeds him. He does not even wake up with his own son in the morning on the weekends, he just stays in bed until whenever the fuck he feels like it, knowing that his son will go downstairs with his mom and she will feed him and take care of him until he feels like moving. He is going for custody, but he does not even have to pay for his lawyer. I don't think that car is his, either. His mom does a LOT for him. On the days he is supposed to work, he rarely does.
This in itself concerned me, because I was looking forward to the future. This guy is 100% dependent on his mother to take care of him. Will that become MY role? I have two children to take care of, I'm not interested in supporting another full grown human. I became anxious. It's like he doesn't live in the real world -- doesn't know what it's like to have to get up at the same time every day to go to a job that, if you lose it, will put you out of house and home. He doesn't have the same concerns about making sure to budget for your electric bill and your cable bill, in case one gets shut off -- or trying to figure out how you're going to feed your family this week. You would think, then, at the very least he would be so appreciative of his mother. No. He's so entitled -- like she OWES him. He EXPECTS it. It's so ugly. Right before he went to Arizona, he was whining to me about how his mom didn't leave him any money to go to his class, and he should just go get a job that actually pays him money. I said, well, is she paying for your lawyer? Maybe that's why she isn't paying you. (He literally works less than 5 hours a week, if that, at her office). He said, yeah, but a person can't live off ZERO dollars!
Honey, in the real world, a person can't live off 5 hours of work a week and still have a place to live, food to eat, internet, AND A FUCKING LAWYER. I told him that I'm not sure if he realizes how good he has it. Anyway, so he didn't go to his class -- which is a big deal for his court case. Because his mom wouldn't pay for it. But hey, guess what? The next day, he was on a plane to Arizona! I thought, okay, well maybe his friends paid for his ticket, I can't assume he has money. But then he sends me a picture of himself at Jack in the Box, buying burgers. If you have money to buy some fucking burgers, why the fuck couldn't you go to your class? I really started to lose respect for him.
6. Oh yeah, speaking of Arizona. He's best man in his friend's wedding, going to Arizona for a week...never thought to ask the woman he supposedly wants to marry to come with him. It's not like I wasn't welcome, he was talking to Kati on New Year's Eve at my apartment on video chat and she asked if I was coming. He kind of stuttered, um, ah, I don't know. Later, I asked him when it was, and he claimed he couldn't remember and he'd let me know. I told him if I didn't have the kids, I'd love to come. I continued waiting and he never let me know, and it became apparent that he didn't want me to come. When I got upset about it, he claimed he forgot. Yeah, right. You mention this wedding like 10 times a day. You didn't forget the wedding. You didn't forget I'm your girlfriend.
7. Valentine's Day. I made plans for us to go to this AcroYoga class, and I came out and brought him and Austin cookies for Valentine's day. I knew he didn't have any money and I wasn't expecting a gift. But since this entry is private, between you and I...I was hoping he'd do SOMETHING to make me feel special. Post something sweet on my facebook wall, make me a card, something. I don't think this is me being selfish, I just tried so hard to make him feel special and loved, and he made just no effort whatsoever. It stung. Especially because he used to try to make me feel special all the time for no reason -- sending random things through the mail with sweet notes, posting songs on my wall, it all stopped. And I didn't care about the gifts because they made me uncomfortable anyway. He always told me that he'd never stop making me fall in love with him, every day, and that he'd always be romancing me. But that was all talk, and talk is cheap. It was a lie. It got to a point where, unless we were texting first and I said, "Can I call you right now?" or "Wanna talk on the phone?" he would not even answer. Which leads me to #8, the breakup.
8. So he's in Arizona, we chatted earlier in the day and I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone later when I got home. Our routine was, I'd get home from work and text him, he'd text back, then I'd ask if he wanted to talk on the phone, he'd say yes and either call me himself or I'd call him and he'd answer. I got home and texted him on Facebook. The message was seen. No reply. I texted him again, wanna talk on the phone? Message was seen. No reply. So I said fine, good night. He tried to call me through Facebook messenger, which he already KNOWS does not work. Actually, just now as I type this, I realize his phone was OFF because his location services had not updated since Chicago. It just updated to Arizona I think yesterday. So as he lied and lied about how he was waiting for his phone to ring and I should have just called him, well even if I had, somehow I suspect he would not have answered.
When I bring up something that happened, I have to be prepared with emails, texts, pictures, PROOF to back it up. Because if I can not, he will tell me that it is all in my head, that never happened, I am imagining it, it is a story I am telling myself. That might have worked, but there were instances where I was able to PROVE I was right, and then his excuse was, oh, I have ADD and I'm forgetful. He'll say that he told me something he never told me, or deny saying something I know I heard. He'll tell me something never happened that I clearly experienced, or that something DID happen that I know damn well did not occur. Does he believe his own lies? Does he think I do? Well, it doesn't matter anymore. It's over. I'm kind of sad because I thought he was like my twin flame or whatever, and yes it concerns me that I keep drawing these toxic people to me. Why? How do I break this pattern? He seemed so different on the outside, but the core is the same. I thought I fixed myself. I thought I broke the pattern. Will I ever? Can I?
Anyway, he unfriended me on Facebook, although I was courteous about breaking up and he is still friends with OTHER exes, but hey, I guess I didn't make the cut. Boo hoo.
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