Fallout

Today, I am drinking my espresso made with the Cafe Bustelo grounds.  What a difference!  It's a much more fine grind, and it tastes divine with a little cinnamon vanilla creamer.  Mmmm.  

I'm going to make more of those scones this weekend, a double batch this time.  I'm giving some to Seth for his massage  table.  Good news!  I may have mentioned  this already, but the past life regression got rescheduled to NEXT weekend, so I'll be able to go!  Coincidentally (sychronistically) the girl Annie who led the Goddess Tarot weekly class when I was 21 also reached out to me and asked if I wanted to go to the psychic fair at the spiritualist church with her this weekend.  I can't, because I have the kids.  But I DO have an extra ticket for the past life regression meditation, so I asked her if she wanted to go.  She said yes!  This will be so fun!  

Annie led the bellydancing class I took, the tarot class, she attuned me to the first level of Karuna reiki (which I have never used), and was part of the "coven" we tried to start back in the day.  It was COSM -- Circle of the Sacred Moon.  We also had COSMIC -- Circle of the Sacred Moon Intuition Circle.  I was so excited about all of that, and I absolutely loved gathering for rituals.  I loved the sense of community, the feeling of belonging.  It was a small, intimate circle.  I always got to call East, because I'm an air sign.  We were all so close.  Then, the two leaders (Annie and John) got married, the circle drifted apart, and they got divorced.  C'est la vie.  Shit happens.  

Anyway, Annie is going through some mental health stuff which I am curiously observing.  She was diagnosed with bipolar and ended up getting lithium poisoning.  Through a lot of therapy and follow up, it turns out she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  And it's funny that I should mention that, because this morning when I woke up I was rapidly vacillating between feeling so in love like I miss him so much, and feeling so angry and hating him so much that he couldn't be who I thought he was.  This is black and white thinking.  It was that way all through our relationship -- either I adored him, beyond ordinary human standards, revered him as some otherworldly divine being -- or I hated him, and he was all that was wrong with the world (and with men), a horrible and loathsome lying snake.  I know that this in itself is not healthy.  I did uncover that issue, though, and will work to fix it.

PS I know I said I was done talking about this.  I LIED.  Because only since last night do I finally feel it.  I kept my heart locked up tight for days, and finally relaxed and opened it up again last night.  Feeling like, well, it has been 5 days...I think the coast is clear.  BAM.  Like a punch to the throat.  I think I am dying.  I couldn't even get out of bed this morning.  I did, obviously.  Only because my phone rang.  At that moment, though, I planned to blog but the only words I could muster were, "I can't".  Then espresso happened.

Oh anyway, so I googled "I Hate You Don't Leave Me".  I knew that was an actual book, and that pretty well described the state I was in this morning.  It turns out, it's about Borderline Personality Disorder.  Hmmm, coincidence.  No, I am NOT about to start obsessively researching BPD, trying to figure out if THAT'S what I have.  What does it matter?  Why don't I focus on what's GOOD?  

How about this.  Those verbal rages I used to have?  I did not do that ONCE with Joth.  This is such an achievement for me.  I realized that when I highlighted one part of an article about lashing out verbally, finding the other person's vulnerability and attacking mercilessly, only to be followed by silence and regret.  I couldn't tell you how many times in my life that has happened.  It's like a demon overtakes me, spewing vitriol through my mouth, while the other me stands helplessly inside myself begging it to stop.  Unable to.  Then, when it's over, it's just me...left to clean up the mess, apologize, and pick up the pieces.  It's awful.  But anyway, I didn't DO that!  

Another thing I didn't do?  I didn't talk shit about him to anyone.  All of those things I blogged, the issues that had been bothering me?  I never shared those concerns with a single soul.  That may not seem like such a big deal, but that was something I used to ALWAYS do.  I couldn't help it.  If I was upset with someone, without fail I'd spill all our business to anyone who would listen.  How they had lied or they never hung up their towel the right way or how they stepped on my toe this morning and I'm never speaking to them again.  So, no.  This relationship didn't last.  But I am a better person on the other side of it.  If I had known in the beginning that it wasn't permanent, would I have tried so hard?  Would it have meant so much?  Would I have learned the same lessons?  Probably not.  Everything happened exactly the way it was meant to.

But I'm sad.  The thing is, I made that post about all the concerns I had.  They are still valid.  I'm not saying I wish I hadn't done it.  But I AM saying I wish I had been kinder.  Let's be honest, I made it public on purpose.  Because even though I was not mean when I broke up with him, he still unfriended me.  I acted like I didn't care, but it cut deep.  6 months with this person, this person who understood me like no other.  The bond I thought we had -- to just as swiftly sever all ties, as if it meant nothing?  Where have I been for the past 6 months?  I almost feel like it must have been a dream.  That dream I used to have, that hauntingly repetitive dream about finding the one person in the universe who understands me...and at the end of the dream, every time, I end up searching for them and calling out their name, feeling empty and alone.  This is that part.  But it's real life.  

So anyway, I hurt.  A lot.  And I made it public because I wanted to hurt him back.  To show that I didn't care if he didn't want to be my friend anymore.  But I do.  Did I mess up?  Does it matter anymore?  I was going to talk about the dream I just had but I clicked "Preview" and this entry is already super long already.  

Basically I went to a party at Joth's house and April (my reiki sister) and this girl I didn't know named Heidi were there.  Heidi was Joth's ex.  (Not in real life, my brain invented her).  Anyway, she and I were chatting and she said something about "I know he has his yoga class at 8 every morning, but..."  and I was like, woah, WHAT yoga class?  According to him, he doesn't even roll out of bed until like 1pm.  If he's up at 8, why the hell isn't he calling ME?  So we started comparing notes and found out he had been lying to both of us.  

Then, I confronted April and asked if she had dated him in the past and she said yes.  I asked her if he had lied to her, and she started telling me about some of the outrageous lies.  I couldn't believe it.  This person I thought I knew.  So, I went outside where he was near a clothes line (I think).  It was a little damp outside, not quite rainy, but not sunny.  Like it had just rained.  The other two girls were watching me, expecting me to break up with him.  I marched out there with righteous indignation.  But then I was overcome with this powerful lust.  I mean, hypnotic.  My signals were scrambled.  

And the thing is, as I analyze this dream, I think it was the fact that he WAS a liar, and that he had played us women, THAT in itself that turned me on so much.  WHY?  Now that I knew he was "bad", I was just desperate to fuck him.  So I told him I didn't care.  I didn't care if he lied, I didn't care if he slept with other people, I only wanted him to agree to have sex with me and I would stay.  What the everloving FUCK?  

I did ask him why he lied.  He said that it was just entertaining to him to create different realities.  I was satisfied in knowing that it wasn't personal.  I guess I just needed to be convinced that he loved me, and then it was all good.  Then we were all at the dinner table, and he was sitting across from April and I.  I had come back in, barely dressed, leaves in my hair, damp all over from the rain on the grass that I had been tumbling in moments prior.  I was staring at him with that consumed, starry-eyed obsession.  It was like it was contagious.  I watched April's expression change as she looked at him too and I knew he had her under his spell also.  I wasn't mad.  I just looked at her and said, "I KNOW, right?"

I used to have these fantasies about vampires.  I don't know what's so hopelessly erotic about being consumed, knowing that you are being used to satisfy someone's selfish means.  I don't know why that translates over into every situation where I am controlled or overpowered.  What is the biological purpose for this?  And how can I ever have a healthy relationship with a normal individual if the only thing that really turns me on is being dominated?  Ugh.  I am so hopeless.