I don't know why I chose that for the picture, because it really isn't relevant to today's topic. Hmmmm which tarot card would I choose today? One that means victory, and moving into another phase. Like, you know, leveling up. Maybe the six of staves. In the goddess tarot deck, she is riding a horse with a wreath on her head, so it's both victory and movement in one. It's not the end, but it's still success. It isn't finishing and stopping, it's accomplishing and moving forward to accomplish some more. Passing a checkpoint, if you will.
And today, I am feeling most celebratory. My internal feelings of starting a new phase are syncing up with external life events which reinforce this feeling. My subconscious also agrees, signaling this in my dreams. That's where the title came from, but more on that later.
The eclipse season was warned (or promised) to be one of great transformation. I made the mistake of thinking that it would begin and end with the new supermoon eclipse equinox, but no. It was only the beginning. I at that point made a commitment to be "New Christine", to be more mindful, to do things differently. Sure, I have slipped a couple of times. I have been persistent, though, and tenacious. Now I am reaping the harvest of the seeds I started sowing when I finally left Noe 2 years ago.
See, you can't just CHANGE. You have to WORK. You have to recommit to your new life every single day. You have to get yourself back on track every single time you fall off, and fall off you will. You have to face your adversaries with courage and determination. You have to throw yourself 100% into overcoming your obstacles, remaining undeterred no matter how many times you fail, never giving up until it's DONE. You can't get discouraged when you fail, you can't get too cocky when you succeed. You must implement and SUSTAIN new healthy behaviors. The biggest thing I have learned is, if you're not getting what you want out of life, YOU have to go get it.
For so long, I expected other people to take care of things for me. I gave up my personal power and put my decisions in the hands of others, as reins, to direct my life as they wished. Always trusting that others knew the direction I should go, and they would take care of it. The biggest takeaway for me is no one's gonna do it for you. You want it, GO GET IT. My commitment THIS new moon was courage and kindness. While the eclipse season (now thankfully over) did shake things up, I got exactly what I needed to prepare for the next phase of transformation. The guardianship was terminated today! Blair and Rachel are officially out of the picture. I do have to coparent with Andrew and Sarah, but I feel like this is a new opportunity to take a new approach. One of cooperation instead of competition. Working together. Yeah, Sarah pissed me off at the hearing today (which was not even a custody hearing!) after the CPS guy gave me a glowing recommendation. He said the house was clean, I have more than adequate financial resources to care for him, we have a strong bond, he's on my insurance, I have plenty of food in my house, he observed him to be happy and respectful, and on and on and on.
The judge asked if Andrew and Sarah agreed that it would be good to dissolve the guardianship, and WHAT does she say? "Oh, I happen to know that when her daughter is there, she and Tristan share a room." Yes, Jewel is here TWO NIGHTS A MONTH. Your weak pathetic objection makes me laugh, because I remember when Tristan had no bed at their house, and the girls did. And he slept IN THE GIRLS' ROOM, ON THE FLOOR. On top of their toys, even. The gall. Seriously. Anyway, since it wasn't a custody hearing, the judge said we could work all of that out between us or with Barry county and then, done. Guardianship dissolved. To be fair, I'm sure they were worried that full control would be given to me and I'd take advantage of that and use it to take Tristan away from them. I would only do that if I felt Tristan was being abused or neglected. He seems happy, they seem like they are doing a better job, and I would know about second chances.
This is my second chance at a lot of things. I had to miss my son and know how much I wanted to be a good mother, and work on making changes to allow me to be, before I could get my second chance with that. I had to miss Joth and understand how integral he is to my life and what mistakes I was making before I could have a second chance to be with him, and do it right. Just like I missed yoga, and took a month off only to come back with a new commitment and more mindful approach, starting over without the bad habits I had adopted before. This is a new start in general and I am so thankful for it. So very grateful. Tomorrow morning, I'll be paying my fine so I'll be done with the vicious cycle of driving on a suspended license and crap. I'll be free and clear. I feel free and clear. The sky is the limit! And I'm so thankful for all of this wisdom I've gained. This round, I think, will go much better.
So, my dream! I'll end this on that. Ever since I was little, one of my most terrifying nightmares is of open water. Big, open water. It's just that feeling of being helpless, out alone with the waves and the danger and the dark water. It makes me so uncomfortable that I have often tried to force myself to wake up, desperate to escape it. I have a lot of water dreams, and usually they are scary. Maybe this is because I feel like my emotions are scary, that they will destroy me, that I can't control them and they will overtake me. But last night? The water was the same. Big, open, with waves. The same setting that in every other dream from the time I was a toddler would strike dread and panic in my heart.
But I was sailing, and I was with Joth. Usually in these dreams, I am terrified of falling in the water. If I am on a boat, I am sick with worry about falling in. We had our sailboats, and I realized that I didn't know how to sail and I really sucked at it, and I kept falling off and the waves were coming and I was underwater but everything was okay. I was laughing and joking, completely relaxed. For the first time ever, comfortable in the open water. I take that as a good omen. :)
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