Remember what I said about perception? Case in point, this morning. It's frightening, almost. Realizing how much your state of mind can change things. Coming to understand how your mood significantly alters your reality as you know it.
Upon realizing that, you begin to question what the REAL reality IS. Does anyone know? How many times have I been mistaken? How many things have I been sure of that turned out to be completely off-base? What in my reality now is completely different than what I currently believe it to be? I have a lot of questions, and I fear that I'm no closer to having any answers. Just a shaky foundation and little to hold onto in the way of comforting agreed-upon unshakable truths. Everything is up for debate. Nothing is indisputable. That should make me feel free, but it doesn't. I feel lost, floating along in an ocean of uncertainty.
Well, this morning it was gloomy. It wasn't even so much a lack of lighting, it was something morose in the air. The heaviness, pressure all around me, immobilizing invisible blankets of darkness. I couldn't even get up and take a shower. I called in to work. I need to get another headlight and I have been putting that off as well, but it is IMPORTANT. It went out again 2 nights ago, and I can't pay that fine until Friday, and if I get pulled over again I doubt the next cop is going to be so forgiving.
Even when my headlight was fixed, I can't explain to you the absolute terror and panic I drove home in every night. I thought that fixing the headlight would put my mind at ease, but it didn't. I still knew my license was suspended, and my heart would start beating like a hammer in my chest every time a car was behind me. Furtive glances in the rearview, attempts to determine whether it was a cop, holding my breath, trying to think positive affirmations. The longer the car would stay behind me, the higher my anxiety would raise. The other night, a car was behind me so long that when it finally turned down a street, I burst into tears.
I can't live like this. What is this constant high level fear DOING to me? It can't be anything good. Vibrating at that frequency every single night can not be contributing to any type of good, or manifesting anything I want. I just can't make it stop, though. I can't NOT drive. That's not an option. What else can I do?
I feel like a fucking fugitive, just trying to go to and from work to take care of my family and bring my sleeping child home to put him in bed. With the jails as full as they are, and there being enough violent offenders and actual criminals on the streets, why should I be fearing incarceration? Why should I be living my life on the run, as if I've escaped from prison for some heinous crime? I'm hoping this is one of those things that future generations look back on and think, what the hell were they THINKING? This is not good for morale.
Anyway, I was texting Joth and everything felt wrong. Of course, I thought it was him. He is losing interest in me, he is mad at me, I did something wrong, he doesn't want me to come there, he wants to be with someone else. I was so convinced of these things. It was real. But now, the sun has come out and I've had some espresso and magically all of that has changed. What does that tell me? Did all of those "truths" suddenly reverse? Or were they never truths to begin with? How much of what I accept as truth is just fear, very cleverly masquerading as fact? But if I dismiss it all as fear, will some actual imperative truth slip by my notice? If I am not hypervigilant, will I be taken for a fool?
That thinking, though, is coming from the belief that everyone is just waiting for an opportunity to screw you over, and you must keep your guard up at all times because as soon as you let it slip, someone's getting in there and stabbing you in the back. Why would I want to live that way? It's like that with the cops, though. I really feel like they sit there, parked on the side of the road, stalking the passersby for any flaw, any weakness, any vulnerability, any opening in which to weasel in to pull them over and exploit for money. Serve and protect? I've seen too many videos lately to believe that anymore. Who are we kidding. They are here to exert with force and brutality the will of the powers that be, serving and protecting only their own interests.
I'm sorry that this is so negative. My mood has turned around enough to go get the headlight, the sun is out and I've been properly caffeinated. I was supposed to finish my phone interview for this temp job with Kellogg's this morning, but the guy never called me. I am beating myself up because I blew it. He called me last week and my phone died partially through the interview, and I never called him back. I ignored his call the next day because I was depressed over losing Joth and I didn't care about anything. Now that I have my wits about me, I tried to get back in contact with him but I think it's too late. A missed opportunity. It was perfect -- $18/hr, first shift, weekends off, in Grand Rapids for 3 months. And it was for KELLOGG'S, which is also in BATTLE CREEK, which is where ideally I will BE in 3 months. I failed so bad it hurts.
But hey, I did yoga yesterday! I can feel it, in every single muscle in my body. It feels good. Do your practice, and all is coming -- so I will do my practice, and I will have faith, and I will have courage, and everything will be okay.
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