I don't know what to title this. I don't even know what to say. I need to, but, I don't really want to. I guess we could start with mood tracking. I don't know really where I am right now. I slept until 11. I feel pessimistic and defeated. I am afraid, worried, discouraged. I feel hopeless. This is a really bad time for this to happen and I'm struggling to find the meaning in all of it. I know that all of the circumstances I encounter are only for my highest good. I'm just weary of repeating these endless loops of cycles and finding myself in the same place time and time again. I'm sick of trying so hard and continually coming up short.
I know I shouldn't be whining about it, and in reality, I know it's my fault. I only have myself to blame, as always, and it was my own decisions that brought me here. I suck at managing money and I knew that fine needed to be paid and I knew the risk I was taking by procrastinating. When I started sending Tristan to daycare, I thought I could afford it but by the time you added in groceries to pack him lunches for school, quarters for laundry, gas, rent, and bills -- really I didn't have enough. So some things got behind. I ended up a month late on rent, so my last paycheck, I paid $940. Now, why didn't I pay that fine? I knew it was due. I guess I just thought I could make it until my next check. Well, I was wrong.
Last night, I got pulled over. ONE DAY after my license got suspended. I no longer believe that it is my fear of these situations that attracts them. I think they have a way to know that my license is suspended and use the headlight as an excuse to pull me over. I never got pulled over the entire time it was unsuspended. Not once. Now, one DAY after it's suspended, I'm supposed to believe it's a coincidence? No. That's how this game works. This is how we generate revenue for the state. In the meantime, we pay no attention to the lives this is affecting. I know I should have paid that fine. And I will readily admit, I am terrible at managing money. But does that make me a criminal? Does that mean I deserve to go to jail, lose my job, lose my child? Are the consequences proportionate to the crime?
In my case, it all comes down to money. That's all it ever was. I committed no criminal act whatsoever, I just had not renewed my plates. That's how I got the first ticket. Then, I didn't pay that ticket, so my license got suspended. Then, I got caught driving on a suspended license, so I paid the ticket and got a fine for driving on a suspended. I didn't pay the fine, so it got suspended again. Do you hear anywhere in this story where I committed any act deserving of losing the ability to DRIVE? Do they honestly expect a person to be able to pay these fines if they legally take away the right of the person to transport themselves to work? You can't convince me that suspending someone's license is a good way to encourage them to pay. No, it is just a good way for the state to make more money. This is so much bullshit. SO MUCH bullshit.
Anyway, so luckily the cop let me park the car and he drove Tristan and I home. He was going to write me a ticket but he didn't, and I'm thankful for that. He was a total DICK at first -- he brought up the headlight, and the cracked windshield, said Tristan needed a booster seat (of all the times I've been pulled over, this is the first time any cop has EVER said that to me). I just felt like he was being ridiculous. I just go to work, pay my bills, and take care of my kid. I won't say I can't AFFORD to fix my windshield or my headlight or pay my fines, but as a single mother who doesn't get any child support, that money could always be better spent on things that actually matter.
Anyway, he told me not to drive until I can pay the ticket. Yeah, okay. In a perfect world, I'd call my fucking chauffer and ride to work every day in a goddamn limo. But this is the real world, and if you want your fucking money, I have to go to WORK. And how the hell do you expect me to get there????
Okay. I am feeling anger. Time to back it down. Breatheeeeeeee. I know it's my fault, really, and this isn't a pity party. I just want things to start going right for a change.
Haha...so, I just chose the picture for this post and realized as I was posting it that it is a full moon/lunar eclipse in LIBRA tonight. Nice.
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