Tenacity

I'm not so much a fan of diamonds, I much prefer labradorite.  Hey!  I saw these labradorite COUNTERTOPS, OMGGGGG I would love to have those someday.  Anyway so diamonds are kind of *yawn*, I mean, on the surface anyway.  Kind of like roses, while they're beautiful, overdone and unoriginal.  I prefer wildflowers any day.  But diamonds, when you think about it, ARE pretty amazing.  It's an example in nature of how pressure can create something beautiful.  And so, that is how I choose to view these challenging circumstances.

For a time, my patron goddess was Brigid, I "prayed" to her to refine me through the flames of her divine forge.  Well I had no idea what I was asking for.  This is when I still lived my simple, stable, first time married life.  The circumstances which followed more than delivered, and I am thankful every day for the person I have become.  Let's not forget, though, before it can rise -- the Phoenix must first BURN.  And, yeah, fire is fucking HOT.

So, before I ramble much further, I should probably check in for mood tracking purposes.  I fell asleep around 2, and I woke up at 4:30.  I kept trying to fall back asleep, but to no avail.  Strangely enough, though, I drank an energy shot after I picked Tristan up at 8 (for no reason except for fun, I wasn't tired) and after THAT, I dozed off for a quick nap while we were watching Spy Kids 3.  It seemed to have had the opposite of the intended effect on me.  How curious.

So, how about an update, yeah?  On the way to work yesterday, a guy from CPS called to set up a visit for next week in response to the petition to terminate the guardianship.  I had a very positive outlook on it and viewed it as an opportunity to prove myself to yet another person whose support would simply be another arrow in my quiver.  A chance to gain the seal of approval from CPS is a gift, and I know that I have nothing to hide, so I felt nothing but good feelings.  

Now, I'm going to be very careful talking about last night, because I find that when I rehash unpleasant experiences I am transported back to those moments and relive all of the feelings I felt.  I have no desire to remember in detail the panic of last night, therefore I simply am not able to describe it in detail.  If I connect emotionally to the experience, I will come undone, so I can only state the facts and remain detached.  Anyway, fact, I decided to proactively do some internet searching and find some tips about how to prepare for a visit from CPS.  

Fact, that was a terrible idea.  I couldn't even talk.  I was immobilized, heart pounding, throat closing up, chest tight.  But shhhhhhhhhhh.  It's going to be okay, yes?  And anyway, I can't control everything.  No need to sabotage the things I CAN control over the fear of all the billions of things that may, but probably never will, happen.  This is my chance.  I can put my best foot forward, be genuine and sincere, come from my heart, and hope that is enough.  It should BE enough.  I have nothing more complicated than the pure desire to be the best parent I can be and make all of my decisions from that place.  

I am grateful.  I face my life with courage.  I accept this moment as it is.  I am present.  I am hopeful.  I am positive.

What else was I going to talk about?  Oh, negativity.  I think I mentioned how Sarah was talking shit about me to Tristan, and even if I didn't, I'd prefer not to go back down THAT road either.  Haters gonna hate.  LOL

I read a bunch more of that Conscious Parenting book -- it is GOOD.  SO GOOD.  It's one of those books that you read and suddenly become passionate that everyone on the planet MUST read it!  It goes over so much of how what we inflict on our children is just the continuation of a pattern that began in our own childhood, perpetuated by parents who were victims of the same senseless cycle themselves.  It's okay, it's not about blame, it's not pointing fingers.  It's just recognizing where these things came from, and how we can change them so that our children will not grow up burdened with the same baggage we carry.  It is VERY eye-opening.  

It does NOT advocate for being permissive, no rules, or anything of the sort.  In fact, she is very vocal about the fact that it IS a parent's responsibility to teach a child boundaries or they will grow up to be narcissists who believe that their wants and needs trump everyone else's.  If we cater to our child's every whim, they will become entitled adults who expect that from the world.  There is a fine line to walk, and it's all about balance, though.  Being too strict OR too permissive result in rebellious teenagers.  The trick is acceptance, and removing our own parental ego from the equation.  Allowing our children to BE, providing guidance, not punishment and criticism.  It's so much different than what everyone is used to, but at the same time it makes so much sense and really resonates with me.  Parenting is about connection, not control.  More of the book is highlighted than not.  I also bought her other one called Out of Control, I'm very excited to read it.

Well, speaking of parenting, I'm going to spend the next 15 minutes with Tristan before we have to go.  Bye!!!