Perception

Sometimes, when a concept gets reduced to a saying, it loses its meaning.  You hear it repeatedly, and you THINK you understand what it means -- and on a surface level, you comprehend it.  But when you truly GET it, when you experience something that puts it in a new perspective and sheds light on the wisdom behind the words -- when you can relate to their meaning emotionally -- only then does it become significant.

And that's what's hard, because you want to share this newfound understanding with EVERYONE.  So, you post this quote.  Thinking it will touch them, penetrating all of their layers and embedding this deep mystical insight within their consciousness like it has yours.  But it won't.  Because it isn't the words that touched you that way, was it?  Haven't you read that same quote a thousand times before without the words really meaning what they do to you now, now that you've had the experience?  Now that you FEEL the meaning?

It's kind of what Gregg Braden says about prayer.  Things are so much more powerful when coupled with emotion.  Energy.  Energy in motion -- E-MOTION.  He says that reciting the words, verbalizing, it's an incomplete effort.  To truly catalyze the real magic, you must FEEL what it is you want.  You must match your vibration to the vibration of the thing you are trying to manifest.  Anyway, I got way off track.  This is going to be a novel if I take three paragraphs to explain every sentence I write.

What I was trying to say is that I completely understand what is meant by, "We don't see things the way THEY are, we see them the way WE are".  And, along with that, the one I included at the top.  "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change".  Both indicate that perception is everything.  It shapes our experience.  It is so true that whatever we believe things to be, becomes our reality.  Good or bad.  So, you know, over the past however many entries, I've been focusing on what's WRONG.  And I know better.  Don't I understand that we magnify whatever we focus on?  Why would I then actively choose to focus on PROBLEMS?  

I was just so frantic.  I was convinced that if only I obsessed enough over what was wrong, I could find it, and fix it.  I picked apart Joth, finding every fault.  What's wrong with him?  I picked apart myself and hit the mother lode, convincing myself I was an inverted narcissist, borderline, avoidant personality disorder, codependent, along with the bipolar and ADD I was already aware of.  That led me to dissecting every member of my family and my childhood.  I found so many problems, but did I find any solutions?  Maybe excuses, but nothing empowering.  Nothing that would get me where I wanted to be -- happy, and healthy.  If I want to figure out how to be healthy, would it make sense to obsess over all of the unhealthy things I am doing?  That's time I'm wasting that I could be using DOING HEALTHY THINGS!  Duh.  Wayne Dyer even says that flying was not invented by contemplating staying on the ground.  It's so true.

First of all, I'm so madly, passionately in love with Joth.  Never have I ever met someone in my life that I connect with so well, who understands me like he does, whom I have as much in common with.  But in a second, a fright-fueled panicked second, I blocked all of that out, zeroed in on the "bad", and took my chance to run.  Fear doesn't ever do me any favors.  I thought about this today.  I was so worried about WHY he didn't want me to come with him, that I invented this story in my head that he must have wanted to be single so he would be free to do whatever.  And the thing is, sure, that's a POSSIBILITY.  One of a zillion in the world.  I can't prove one way or another what the actual motivation was (if there even was one).  I will never know.  So why assume the worst?  He doesn't.  Does it help if I do?  Do I think that, if he was contemplating cheating, that me preemptively accusing him of WANTING to is going to prevent that from occurring?  

I thought about last weekend.  He never once, even now that we're back together, acted concerned or anxious about whether I had done anything with anyone else.  He never has.  And because of that, I feel respected and I choose to honor the gift of trust he has given me and I just don't.  Even though we weren't together last weekend, and I was naked with two other girls, and sleeping next to my ex boyfriend, I did nothing.  Never wanted to.  My heart belongs to Joth, and it always will, no matter what pretense of running away I might want to enact.  Yesterday, my brother in law's brother (oh, this could be confusing.  My sister Heather's husband Matt's brother Troy) added me on Facebook and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime.  

I'm a big girl and I can handle my business, I decided it wasn't a good idea even if it only IS as friends because why go there.  Would it have helped matters any if Joth had been like, "Who's Troy?  Do you want him?  Did you fuck him?  Why did you add him?"  NO.  Yet, somehow I thought that doing that type of shit to Joth before he went to Arizona was somehow a good idea.  He trusts me.  It's time to trust him.  Especially since he's never given me any reason not to.

This breakup was scary because I thought maybe it was for real this time.  I didn't mean for it to be, in the heat of the moment I said something I knew I would regret.  That wasn't what I wanted and then it was like pushing this giant destructo button that I couldn't disarm.  Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hate when that happens.  But of course, I had too much pride to say I didn't mean it.  Because what if he DID?  Anyway, I could go on for pages about what happened, but we're back together and thank god because I don't want to imagine life without him.  As all things do, though, this separation served its purpose.  It helped me to see things more clearly, to realize how much I missed him and how much he meant to me, and to understand how important it is to not just impulsively throw away something forever in one irrational moment.  Yesterday was the new moon, and I'd like to look at this as a new start for us.  I will not give up.  And from now on, I'm going to focus on what's RIGHT.