Opportunities

As I write this, my hands are shaking.  I have reached another turning point, and it has been at times scary and unpleasant, but changes are happening.  This week has been fairly difficult, it pushed me to the brink of terror, almost to breaking.  I almost lost it all.  I could have lost it all.  I was reminded of what a delicate balance indeed everything is, and became profoundly aware of how just one moment could change everything.  Any illusions of control were completely demolished, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable.  Those illusions of control were my armor.  Going into battle without it made me want to dig my heels in and say, "I CAN'T.  I WON'T.  I don't WANNA."  

But what do you do?  You just keep moving forward, right?  This past weekend, I was so overwhelmed.  I just wanted to stay in bed all day.  I felt defeated, I wanted to give up.  I had just been pulled over on a suspended license and I was afraid to drive.  I couldn't afford a new headlight.  CPS was scheduled to come Tuesday (today) and I knew if I drove to my mom's to do my laundry, I'd have to drive home in the dark.  What if I went to jail, 2 days before my appointment?  But I got my ass out of bed and decided to just problem solve.  

Saturday, I applied for every payday loan known to man.  I even tried to use my car as collateral (at over 250,000 miles I had to know that wasn't a very enticing deal).  I didn't care if I had to pay 100% interest, I was desperate.  I looked for loan sharks on Craigslist.  After none of those options panned out, I decided to go for plan B -- if I can't pay my fine, I should at least replace my headlight.  I looked up the price for a headlight, it was like 10 something.  I had 8 something.  Worry, worry, worry, worry.  

Stayed home Saturday, didn't go anywhere, didn't dare go get my car.  It was a full moon lunar eclipse so I just laid in bed and prayed for strength, and for answers.  For direction.  For help.  I had planned to do tarot readings with Tristan, but I was just so tired.  Diverting all of my energy to worrying was just draining me.  Normally, full moons give me tons of energy.  But, like the worries sprinting endless circles through my mind, I felt just as exhausted as if it had been me on my actual legs, running around the same familiar track over and over and over again.  I couldn't break free of it.  Sunday, I slept in.  I didn't want to get out of bed and face the day.  Finally I did, around 11.  I procrastinated and worried.  I checked my account balance -- $18 something!  I had gotten $10 back from some thing I had tried to borrow from which I didn't end up being qualified for.  I could now afford a headlight!  I got so excited.

We packed up a bunch of laundry, walked to my car, and drove it home.  I put the laundry in my car, we went to Auto Zone, the guy couldn't put the headlight in.  Shit.  Went to my parents' for Easter, that went really well.  I got to hold my sister's baby Kian and also Sophiana (Blair and Rachel's baby).  Tristan was pretty well behaved and I was very proud of him for that.  I did my laundry.  My mom gave me money to pay someone at BP to change my headlight; since they had done my oil change, I knew they could open my hood.  Drove home before dark.

Monday morning, called BP.  He had a guy out and would need me to drop off my car -- well, that wouldn't work.  I called Jerry's Body Shop (over by my mom's house).  They said they might be able to help, and didn't know how much it would cost me.  I took Tristan to his psychiatrist appointment with Dr. Vyas.  OH MY GOD.  He was so EMBARASSING!  He refused to speak, he would whisper things in my ear to tell the doctor but would not speak out loud.  Eventually had thrown himself on the floor and was getting into everything.  Making those annoying animal sounds and refusing to listen to me.  Dr. Vyas said that for his ADHD impulsivity, he prescribed Concerta (like a time released 12 hour ritalin).  Then, at night, instead of taking melatonin he will take Clonodine.  I was happy to have a possible answer, but afraid of how the medications would affect him.  

I also felt a little like a failure as a mother.  This is giving up, then.  I'm putting chemicals in my child's body.  I'm selling out.  But if this is what it takes, though, what else am I to do?  I looked into neurocore, which is supposed to eliminate the need for medication.  Maybe that's something we can try one day.  In the meantime, though, maybe the medications do have their place.  I have been on meds before.  Sure, now at age 32 I am managing my conditions without them.  But it took practice to get here, introspection, attention, analysis.  Recognition of patterns.  Trial and error, development of coping skills.  With time, perhaps Tristan will get there too.  But he's 8 right now, and needs help.

Today, the CPS worker came.  My laundry is done (and what isn't is shoved in my closet, out of sight).  My dishes are done, the trash is taken out.  The counters are wiped, the floors are swept and vacuumed.  The beds are made, the toilet is scrubbed.  The mirrors are clean, the kitty littler is scooped.  I was still so nervous.  My voice was shaking as we talked.  Thankfully, though, it went great!  He said I make more than enough to support Tristan, I have enough food to feed him and furniture for him, he is on my insurance and has dental, vision, and medical.  He took his psychiatrist information and counselor information.  He got Rachel's phone number from me and said that unless he hears something drastically different from them, he is going to recommend that we dissolve the guardianship without going to court.  This has been terrifying, but I believe I've made it over a very bumpy, steep hill.  It is all paying off.  Now, Friday I just need to pay that fine, and then I do need to get in touch with my sister about having her help me manage my money again.  I think overall everything is headed in a positive direction, and that all of these challenges have been opportunities.