Today, I choose Persephone. It seems rather fitting, since she is playing hide and seek right now! It is April 15. This morning, when I looked out my window, I saw a blanket of snow covering everything. It was sick.
This winter, however, has taught me something about acceptance. There are circumstances that you can change, but there are some that you just have to accept. And what impact does it have on the weather if I choose to be pissed off and grumpy at the snow? Whether I'm happy or sad, the weather will do what the weather will do. I am certainly not punishing Mother Nature with MY bad mood -- I am only spoiling my own joy. I realized this early in the winter, and despite this being one of the coldest, snowiest, LONGEST winters I have ever experienced...it has also been the most peaceful because I finally learned to just let go.
I am feeling very ADD today, so we'll see if I ever get to discussing anything I came here to discuss. I started this post, went searching for a picture of Persephone, decided to update my Facebook status to say, "I think Persephone is playing hide and seek", then started reading through my news feed, at which point I saw a link for my friend Shawna's blog, read her post...and remembered I was supposed to be working on mine. Wow. :)
Powerful energies in the air today, right? I'm excited. Big changes are definitely coming. This full moon heralds it, the eclipse proclaims it, and the number 555 showing up everywhere reinforces it for me. Transformation is underway.
When you make a lifestyle change, you assume it's a destination. At least I did. I thought I would take the path of changes, it would lead me to the person I wanted to be, and the work would be done. I would be changed and STAY changed. This is not the case! Change is a continuous flow. It is a layering of better choice upon better choice, continuing to weave each into the tapestry of your future.
I really got my life on track. I have to remember, though, how I got here. I won't STAY on track if I don't continue to put forth the same effort it took to get me this far to begin with. For example, I am still breaking patterns. There is some part of me, some wounded dysfunctional part, that is attracted on some primal level to dangerous men. I still have the craving, I just don't satisfy it. Sometimes I feel myself trying to justify an action that I already know is wrong. Sometimes I STILL struggle. I know it will get easier with time, but the work never ends. I have to stay alert.
There is this guy on this dating site. As a matter of fact, I deleted my profile from the pointless dating site I had been on before (again). I was checking my email at work and had an email from another dating site, which I had deleted in January. I decided to reinstall it because I was bored. This guy that I was talking to in DECEMBER -- whom I never met -- instantly starts messaging me, telling me he missed me. He LOVES me.
Now, I KNOW this is crazy. But you know what? Part of me LIKES the insane attention. I mean, come on. Let's be honest. I like to feel like an exalted goddess. I like to feel gorgeous, to feel special. The thing is, though, I also know it can't possibly be genuine. How could it be? We've never met! He doesn't know me! And also, I have an affinity for PASSION. Whenever the force of an attraction is so strong, so consuming -- whenever a guy comes at me with that fierce aggressive desire, I KNOW the sex is going to be absolutely amazing. So much intensity, so much electricity. Such raw, unbridled passion (and I don't mean love).
So, I am tempted to just dip my toes in the water for a little while. The little stupid voice in my head that tries to talk me into doing things I know I shouldn't tries to tell me that I can just have a fling with him and then forget about him...but, I swear on my children, that is the EXACT THING I told myself about Noe. I really did. I just wanted some good sex, I planned on moving on within a month.
But there's the problem -- no matter the result, you're going to be disappointed. Either the sex IS good, and then of course you don't want to walk away from it because you'll feel like you're missing out, so you sacrifice your own happiness for it -- or the sex is bad, and you're disappointed, and you wonder why you even bothered wasting your time. In what scenario do you end up happy? Which outcome is going to lead you to ultimate happiness? Neither. Chasing a fiery fling is going to lead you to temporary excitement and ultimate regret. Luckily, I have learned this lesson well.
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