Today I am feeling very Artemis. RAWR. Don't FUCK with me. Seriously, I'm trying to be all peace and love and everything, and I've been taking painstaking efforts to make sure only kindness passes my lips. It's hard, to say the least. But I have so much pent up rage and frustration, I just want to come here and let it all out. I tried to type a few sentences filled with profanity about the situation, but it just looked so ugly. Really I'm better than that, even in my blog. I can't let this defeat me or turn me into something ugly.
So, you know how I was just saying that I thought Mom had my back? Haaaaaaa NOT. She met with me under the pretense that she was supportive of my plans to take Tristan back, pretending like she wanted to help me develop a plan. But all I heard when I got there was unfounded excuse after irrelevant concern as to why I can't be a good mother. Honestly, it's hard enough to change. Even harder when your own family insists on clinging to an outdated story about you that hasn't been true for over a year. I'm exasperated.
I'm to the point, though, that I feel like I'm just wasting my energy trying to prove something to them. They don't have to believe me. They don't have to agree with me. They don't have to like me. But Tristan is my son, and they DO have to cooperate with me. If they don't, I'm sure I can get a judge to motivate them. I'm not playing games. I can just see it now -- after giving them ample time to prepare for this, having notified them in November about my intention, they're going to keep dragging their feet. Rachel isn't going to schedule counseling and she's going to keep trying to blow me off. Come August, (or sooner), they're going to act all shocked and offended when they get served with papers. Listen, I'm giving you an opportunity to work with me. If you refuse, don't make ME the bad guy because I'm not just going to roll over. Not on your life. Sorry about your luck.
Anyway, there, I vented a little. Supposedly Mom is setting up a meeting for all of us next week, but whatever. Anyway, I'm manic again. I was up at 2 AM and I tried to go back to sleep -- it seemed a little wrong to do yoga so early. I was worried that if I did, I'd be tired later and regretting that time I could have been sleeping. By 4 AM though, I gave up and hit the mat. It was helpful, but even then I couldn't release all of these emotions. They're clinging to me like so much toxic sticky crap. I really don't want to be angry. I don't want to be sad. I just don't know how to get rid of all this black ugliness. I need a Magic Eraser for the soul. Or the heart. I don't know.
I got a 90% on my first Ayurveda exam. I got mixed up, I thought Veda meant "life" and Ayu meant "knowledge". Because, you know, in Spanish "life" is Vida, so it was similar. Today I pick up my order from the food co-op, I got the ingredients to make my own non-toxic toothpaste and some organic food bars and some essential oils and some incense.
I'm also going to the rock and mineral show with Raven later, I think I mentioned that already. Then tomorrow I'm going to a cookout at a co-worker Courtney's house.
Oh my gosh, SPEAKING of co-workers! MMMMMMM....there is a new employee on the bilingual team, and OH.MY.GOD he is FIIIIIIINE! I still have a thing kinda for Wiltmar too, every time I see him I get butterflies. I don't understand why I torture myself with interoffice crushes, I'm sure these guys are all married and anyway I'm way too shy to ever approach them and there's no way they're going to subliminally pick up on my vibe. UGH frustrating. Although when the new guy walked by me yesterday, I couldn't HELP but stare for a minute...I think I even eye-fucked him a little bit. Hahaha. I sound like such a perv.
But HEY, I haven't had sex in 5 months! And I've been clean and sober (from drugs) for a WHOLE YEAR! Oh yeah, I never talked about that in here before. Well, surprise. This is the longest I've ever made it since I left Brian, which was 9 years ago. I feel that a celebration is in order!
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