Cerridwen

This day has been truly magical, right up to this very moment.  I am truly tuned in, and it is marvelous!  It also just so happens that my mania has already returned, after a devastating (albeit short) descent into the abyss of a deep depression.  Furthermore, it is a full moon on Tuesday.

Why Cerridwen?  Five minutes ago, I didn't even know the answer to that question.  Tonight was the book club meeting, and I just returned.  I came here to blog about it, and as I was trying to figure out which goddess to choose, the name "Cerridwen" popped in my head.  Now, I have heard of Cerridwen -- about 8 years ago.  And even then, I knew very little about her.  Whatever I DID know, I had forgotten by today.

When I went to get the picture, though, a Wikipedia entry caught my eye.  Check it out -- 

"Within Celtic Mythology the wolf was revered as the companion ofCerridwen, godddess of the Moon and fertility."  !!!  

THE WOLF.  We are reading WOMEN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES.  Woah.

Anyway, I have a lot to talk about and I don't want this to run too long.  

In summary, Karen told me her bank wouldn't accept my check for the reiki class on Wednesday night.  Thursday, Rachel gave me shit about having Tristan one more day during the week.  THEN, on the way home, I realized I was going to run out of gas.  I planned to get off the exit near my sister's house to borrow some gas money, but then Rachel started texting me saying that she thought our agreement for summer was to keep the same schedule we have now -- that I would only have Tristan on my days off.  Um, NO!  We agreed to transition him, what the hell are you talking about now?  I was firm about it and said I want him Monday night to Thursday morning at least.  She then retorted with, "Well you do realize that without us, Andrew gets 50/50, right?"  

I am so tired of her fear-mongering and manipulating me into compliance by playing on my fears.  I am on to her.  I told her if I need to hire a lawyer  to go against Andrew, I will.  I'm not scared anymore.  And really, I'm not -- what's the worst that could happen?  Andrew gets 50/50?  That's not so bad, really -- because then so do I.  I already have plans to have a lawyer retained by the end of summer.  I figured out that with commission, I make about $37,000 a year.  That's something to be grateful for!  I've documented the whole thing here in this blog, too -- from the bottom to the top.  I'm not done climbing, either!

Oh, yeah.  I forgot to mention that because of my stress and distraction from arguing with Rachel on my way home Thursday night, I completely forgot about getting off the highway.  I just kept driving until I ran out of gas on the side of the road.  Then, I noticed my phone only had the faintest sliver of battery.  And my charger doesn't work.

Long story short, I sat in my car for two hours until some random gentleman who thankfully did not murder me let me use his phone to call my mom.  By the time I got home, I was a wreck, and I bawled my eyes out on the yoga mat.  Afterward, though, as I laid in savasana, I suddenly felt a tingly feeling.  

I have been really frustrated with myself because I couldn't feel my reiki flow.  I did everything the way I was supposed to, but my hands never tingled.  They never got hot.  I didn't feel like I was channeling anything.  I kept beating myself up, wondering why I just couldn't do anything right.

It wasn't until that moment of complete surrender and emotional release that I seriously, honest-to-goodness, swear on my grandmother's grave, felt a tingly buzzing in the center of each palm.  Apparently, I'm just too uptight, and I've been inhibiting my own flow.  Once those walls come down, the energy comes out -- now I just need to learn how to make that happen intentionally.

The book club meeting was great, I'm so delighted that I have finally found my sisterhood, my tribe.  I practiced my listening skills and was pleased to find that I was able to just listen without planning what I would say next, I did not interrupt, and I did not dominate the conversation.  I also showed interest in what others shared rather than turning the focus back to me, me, me.  

I'm going to be honest, although in this case the truth isn't very flattering to me.  I often do continually shift the topic of conversation to myself.  Since becoming aware of it, though, I have tried to remain conscious of it and committed to changing.  I am definitely more in the moment and am really working on releasing my fear and anxiety.  I have a long way to go, baby -- but I've come so far, and for that I am grateful.