Just for Today...

This isn't a goddess, well not in the traditional sense.  This is Frida Kahlo, and I'll explain later why I chose this picture.  First, though, I MUST tell you what just happened!

I was standing at the kitchen table, where my Reiki binder is.  I picked it up and recited the Reiki principles:

I  got done and turned around to grab my coffee from underneath my Keurig.  I stopped.  I gasped.  Forgive me, it is dirty...if I had planned on taking this picture, I would have cleaned it first.  But I wanted to get a real time picture of what I saw, right in that moment:

Yeah, dude.  For REAL.  Now, that is the only coffee cup I have, and I have had it for over a year.  One of the  girls in the sister circle gave it to me after I had Sienna.  Weirddddd, right???

Something inside of me is changing.  I can feel it.  I feel more like the observer, I feel like I am responding rather than reacting.  People -- ahem, RACHEL -- who once triggered me no longer do.  I am thinking so much more clearly.  I'm not letting things outside of my control stress me out.  I'm taking each moment as it comes.

I thought more about that last night -- how we always tell ourselves "I will be happy WHEN...".  But when that thing happens, there is some other problem that is seemingly impeding us on our path to happiness.  But happiness is not a destination.  Happiness is a state of mind you carry with you throughout the entire journey, the dark spots and the happy places.  It is not contingent on circumstances.  It is possible always.  

I have this theory that in our lives, in the world and in the universe, there has always been and always will be the exact same amount of light and darkness.  It's not a battle between good and evil, because neither side will ever win.  It's about the "bad" being used to bring about change and transformation.  With no contrast, there would be stasis.  Furthermore -- try to follow me here -- every "bad" has a "good" side, and every "good" has a "bad" element.  EVERYTHING is EVERYTHING.  

My mom likes to say some people are bad, I disagree.  I feel that we are all made up of the same thing, and we are all equally worthy.  For a while I even said we shouldn't judge individuals as "bad" or "good", but CHOICES.  Upon further introspection, though, I still don't feel like that's accurate.  Every good choice has a tinge of badness, every negative decision has a hint of positive.  It gets complicated the more I analyze it, but I find peace in surrender and being the best me that I can be in every given moment.

So, Frida.  I watched that movie again a couple nights ago and it touched a nerve...a nerve that I thought wasn't there.  Remember how I was just talking about how I didn't feel any attachments anymore?  Apparently, I doth protesteth too much.  Now, let's be clear -- the feeling I have HAS changed, and I DO feel that it's much healthier than I was before.  When I ask myself, would I want to see him again?  Would I want to talk to him?  I don't feel a draw or a pull to do that.  I don't feel like I'm resisting any urge to contact him.  It isn't there.  But, what IS there?  

I have fought for so long against feelings of guilt that I care.  I have tried to purge them from my system, to convince myself that this person is unworthy of love and that no self-respecting woman would harbor any care for someone so evil.  It's shameful.  But, you know what?  In the interest of being authentic, and raw, and honest -- I'm going to be real.  I saw the good in him.  Despite the fact that my heart can't handle the torment that it is to be involved with someone so toxic, I know he has value as a human being.  I do still care -- from a distance -- and wish the very very best for him.

Oh!  Speaking of dating -- OMG guess WHAT.  Hector has a fucking DUI.  Oh, no, I'm sorry -- that's not quite right.  He has TWO.  Okay seriously...Raul had 2 DUIs.  Carlos had one.  Emmanuel was on parole and he didn't have a license but I'm not sure if he had a DUI or not.  WHAT.THE.FUCK.???  I think the online dating world is the haven for guys who don't fucking drive!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Now, I  try not to be judgmental.  After all, my license was suspended for quite some time, and I didn't have a car for two years.  But as a mother, I really have a problem with the fact someone would get behind the wheel and put the lives of others -- the innocent CHILDREN of others -- at risk, knowing they're drunk and just not giving a shit.  

Oh, so Frida.  Well, I watched that movie again a few nights ago.  I had seen it before, about 9 years ago with Juliea, but things have changed since then and it meant something to me now.  Frida was in an accident and broke her pelvis (as did I) and had to learn to walk again (as did I).  Granted, hers was much more serious than mine.  While she was recovering, her boyfriend left her (as did mine -- for my best friend).  Then she fell in love with Diego Rivera, who had been divorced twice.

Hmmmm.  He tells her he is not capable of being faithful, and she pretends she's okay with that.  She tries to be progressive and says she loves him for who he is, and that's just who he is -- how can she love him for something he's not?  Which I can respect.  Except it really DOES bother her.  They get married, and in the morning there is breakfast on the table.  Frida finds out that Diego's ex wife is living in the same house, with their two children, and SHE is the one who cooked the breakfast.  She gets pissed off and throws the plates.  She confronts Lupe and they become friends over shots at the kitchen table.

Lupe tells Frida that Diego has never belonged to anyone, will never belong to anyone besides himself, and will never be anyone's husband.  Frida says, we'll see.  And, of course, she does.  Finally, though, he sleeps with her sister and it breaks her heart.  She leaves him, and she tells him, "I have had two accidents in my life -- the trolley, and you.  And you are by far the worst".  Anyway, they get divorced but she's still in love with him and they end up getting back together and blah blah blah.  It's clear to see that they ARE mad about each other, despite the fact that he always sleeps with other women.  (So does she, though -- she's bisexual as well, just like I am.)

A thought occurred to me as I was weeping at the end of the movie.  I have been Frida Kahlo, and I have loved Diego Rivera.