Blessings, divine ones! It has taken me a while to post because it is spring break, so I was spending time with the loves of my life. :) It was great. We went up north to visit my grandparents, watched a movie together (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2), took a walk on the nature trail, and hung out at home. The kids made forts, did sidewalk chalking while I hula hooped outside, and played on the computer. I consider the "weekend" a success. :)
Speaking of my children, I feel like I'm finally making some progress where it concerns Tristan. I almost feel like trying to get him back has been like butting my head up against a wall of ice, over and over and over again. I couldn't seem to get anywhere for the longest time, but now it's finally starting to crack. If I keep patiently persistently ramming my head into it, it's bound to give way. I can already see the signs.
For one, I asked in early February for Rachel to make an appointment with Tristan's counselor. In short, she hasn't. She keeps saying we have an appointment scheduled, then it's supposedly rescheduled, and on and on. She's full of shit and I know it, but I think she thinks if they drag their feet it will slow me down. It won't. I'll just move ahead without them if I have to. Also I keep trying to set up a meeting for us all to discuss the transition and she ignores emails, texts, and Facebook messages. So I went directly to my brother and directly to my mom and got them involved in setting it up. If she's going to be the rock in my path, I'm going to be like a river and just flow on around her.
Anyway, now I feel like the tide has finally turned. For the longest time, it was like Blair and Rachel were a team with my mom and they were all against me. Now I think my mom sees that I am serious and she has some respect for what I've been doing, and she's coming up with ideas to help make this easier for Tristan. This is huge. She's finally acknowledging that he IS coming home, and she is on board to help make this a success rather than just trying to be an obstacle. She works with a girl who fostered her nephew for two years and has been gathering information from her and from her caseworker to assist us. Of course Rachel still doesn't like it. She won't say as much, but I know she does not want to cooperate in any way in letting Tristan come home. But without my mom joining in, she's going to lose a lot of steam. Victory is imminent.
This is a super long entry and I still have so much to talk about! I guess I'll talk about my shamanic journey and leave off there. It was great! This time, I was brought to each place I visit in my recurring nightmares which I associate with fear -- an open body of water, with rocks. A big rocky cliff. A lonely neighborhood, where I am wandering along. When I got to each of these places, though, I faced them. I swam in the rocky river, explored the neighborhood, climbed up in a tree...and found peace. The fear was all in my head, you know? The emotion I had attached to these circumstances...well it completely dissolved when I confronted them.
On the second journey, I first saw flashes. Images, a threatening-looking snake. Owl eyes. Some type of bird wings. Then I was in a jungle, alone and lost and afraid. I summoned this energy within myself and became a queen. I sat at my jungle throne and petted a tiger, who was sweetly nuzzling my hand. I understood that this tiger represented a force within myself, my inner courage. I found it interesting to note that while this tiger was fierce and powerful, she didn't have to express it. In fact, she was very loving toward me. Secure in her strength without feeling the need to prove anything. My strength, since that journey, has been like that. I know I am strong. I know I am fierce. But I don't have anything to prove to anyone, I don't need to threaten or bare my teeth. I can just rest, sweetly, and be kind unless and until I am called to actually show my claws.
The next day, I went to go to the Blisswurx art workshop, but no one showed up. Kristi was the host, and she was there. I had met her only twice before, at the full moon ritual and at the goddess affair where I read her tarot cards late last summer. I was nervous but I have made it a point to branch out, explore uncomfortable territory, and get to know people. I am scared of people. But we ended up going back to her house and painting with acrylics while listening to music and watching spiritual videos about self-love. It was consciousness expansion and I loved it. Then Raven came over and we had some wine and new bonds were forged -- it was so comforting to share space with people who think the way I do. It's good to be reminded sometimes that you're not the only one, and you're not crazy.
Anyway, Raven and I are meeting up at the rock and mineral show Friday night. I'm so excited! I CAN make friends! :)
Oh yeah, yoga is going great. I've moved on to the half primary but honestly it's 90 minutes and I just don't have the attention span. Especially when, at the end, you have to do a vinyasa between every pose. It's tedious and I'm not sure after all if Ashtanga is right for me. I like the idea of doing the same steps every day and all that, but this could be a deal breaker. I would like an hour version without a vinyasa between every pose, and maybe then it would work. I'll have to explore. Also the pulled muscle in my leg still hurts and I feel like I should take a break, but I can't/don't want to. I think I'm addicted...;)
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