Ceres

This is Ceres, Roman mother earth goddess.  I chose this goddess today because I'm feeling environmentally friendly, but also because I liked the art.  It's amazing to me how the depiction of feminine beauty has morphed over the years.  I yearn to return to a healthy and realistic idea of beauty.  For me to look at THIS -- soft stomach, pale skin, average sized breasts, normal thighs -- and know that it was once our idea of what a goddess look like, makes me wonder what happened.

At the same time, though, despite liposuction and breast implants and tanning beds and collagen injections and tummy tucks -- I see our society shifting back toward a much healthier body image of women.  I see more ads featuring REAL women, more trends of makeup-free selfies and un-retouched/airbrushed photos of celebrities and models.  More attention has been called to the behind-the-scenes altering of photos in magazines, and women are responding to it overwhelmingly that we don't want it. 

I can't speak for every woman, but it makes me feel so much better about myself to look at a picture of a real woman, flaws and all, than to compare myself to an impossible photoshopped standard.  Even when you know those photos aren't "real", you still find yourself getting depressed because your skin isn't that clear, your waist isn't that small, your breasts aren't that perky, your hair isn't that full, etc.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  I am happy with who I am.  I feel beautiful in my own skin, cellulite and stretch marks and acne and wrinkles and all.  Don't shove this idea in my face that beautiful is the absence of all of these things.  

In the same vein, this is another reason why I am so much happier single.  I was thinking about that as I was driving today.  In a few weeks, I'm getting a new haircut -- a drastic change.  It's going to be a blonde asymmetrical cut with streaks of purple.  The best feeling ever is not having to worry about regretting it -- why would I regret it?  Who is there to judge it?  Who would be disappointed?  I used to be so careful about what I wore, and what I ate, and how I did my hair because I felt like I had to look a certain way to remain appealing to my partner.  I felt like I had to live to please this person, and that my choices weren't really MY choices because I also had to take his opinion into consideration.

Well fuck that.  I live for ME, I look good for ME, and as long as I approve, it doesn't really matter if anyone disagrees.  I am my own woman.  I belong to myself.  I don't shave my legs anymore, and I don't give a fuck.  I'm doing whatever to my hair, and I don't care if it looks awful.  It'll grow back.  I wear whatever I want, sometimes I don't wear makeup, sometimes I go out in public showing a little too much skin -- but there's no angry jealous man telling me I better put some clothes on.  This is really a wonderful, liberating, joyous feeling.

I think I had the flu for the past 3 days, or something like it.  I had flu-like symptoms, but I'm feeling much better today.  I was nauseated, I had body aches, I was tired, and I had a wicked sore throat.  It's mostly cleared up now, but I did miss 2 extra days of yoga.  I had Saturday off as per usual, so that doesn't count.  Sunday when I got home from the book club meeting, I tried, but I couldn't even make it ten minutes.  Monday was a new moon, so that's a moon day, and that doesn't count either.  But yesterday I was sick and just skipped it.

Overall, though, April went well.  It was "Ashtanga April", and other than those two days, I followed through with a dedicated practice.  

Today I made some homemade deodorant with coconut oil, baking soda, cornstarch, and lavender and tea tree essential oils.  I think next time I will use less oils and possibly add shea butter, but it held up through 90 minutes of yoga so I'll call it a win.  I'm about to make some guacamole now, so I'll post again another day!