How We Get Hooked and How We Get Unhooked. I am blogging today mostly for mood tracking purposes. I don't really know where I am. I guess I would call this a mixed state? I had a lot of physical energy on the phone yesterday and I've been waking up early.
I haven't gotten back to yoga yet, though. Sunday will have to be the day. Whenever I get online and I see pictures of yogis in Scorpion or Firefly pose, then I remember that I need to get back to my practice or I will NEVER get there. Luckily, my body remembers a lot and I don't have to start over from the beginning each time. Still, I would make more progress more quickly if I stuck to a daily practice. AND, I gained about 8 pounds so I want to drop that as well. It might not sound like a lot, but 8 pounds makes a difference on me. It's the difference between feeling sexy and feeling unremarkable. Between being comfortable in my skin and wanting to cover it up. So that's motivation right there.
Understandably, my yoga practice always suffers a little bit when I get into a relationship. The balance is shifted momentarily while my attentions are focused elsewhere. But we've been together 9 and a half months and I need to recommit to myself now. So anyway, where am I? Well, I don't know. It's really weird.
We were having a disagreement and I felt myself getting hooked. We had been arguing during the day and I tried to be calm and neutral, but then I would read something he wrote and it would touch this anger button and I would feel indignant. In my mind it became all about right and wrong, who was at fault, etc. I would come back to the conversation to apologize, and read some conciliatory things he had said and I could feel that he was trying to bridge the gap. My heart would soften. But then a few sentences later I would read these inflammatory accusatory messages which would harden my heart right back up and stoke the embers of anger back into a roaring fire. I just didn't know what to do.
So, I pulled back from being emotionally involved. I thought I unhooked myself. I thought this was a good thing. All of a sudden, I was unaffected by anything. If he said something that indicated he might leave, it didn't strike panic into my heart. Nothing touched a nerve, I had no knee-jerk emotional reactions to his emotions and mine....well, I don't know. Is this what Pema means we should do? Is this non-attachment, or is this apathy? I have felt like this before. It's weird this time though because I initiated it intentionally. But now I feel like I am in the world in a giant glass cube and I can't reach anyone. I can't connect to anything, I'm just watching everything happen from some distant vantage point but I'm not actually HERE. I withdrew myself from the flow of life, I feel, and I don't know how to rejoin. And now that it's involuntary, I don't like it so much anymore. Is everything changed forever? Will it ever be the same? Did something permanently switch off? I don't know.
I wouldn't call this depression because I still have physical energy. Maybe this is a mixed state. I would take a Risperdal but it's not for things like this. It's for times of too MUCH mental activity. I feel like I've flatlined, mentally. I shouldn't worry too much, though. It should pass. When it's over, though, what state will my relationship be in? Is it salvageable? I don't know.
Tristan has his appointment in Zeeland with that guy who does the sexual abuse assessments for adolescents. I have the day off and it's going to be marvelous. We're all supposed to go camping but I'm totally broke from Hoodilidoo and I don't know how I'm going to manage that. I'm trying to, though, because after what happened, I'm sure Joth will take it personally if we don't come. I have food here to feed the kids but it's not all necessarily portable. It just makes me nervous travelling with no money. I feel dependent on others and I prefer to be self-sufficient. At least if we stay here, I'll know for sure that everything is taken care of.
So, Peace Fest in 2 weeks! I'm going with Shy and Ema. I wish Joth could come, but his custody arrangement is still fresh and I understand it might rock the boat to ask favors this early in the game. Brian and I have been doing this forever so he had no problems taking Juju for that weekend, then I'll have her 2 weekends in a row after that to get back on schedule. I'm working 10 hours of OT next week, I signed up in an effort to make more money for Peace Fest but the joke is on me because that money won't show up until the check I get one week AFTER Peace Fest! That's okay, though. I could always definitely use extra money. I wish I knew what was happening in the future.
I wish I could feel more comfortable and secure in knowing where I'll be living and where I'll be working and where Tristan will be going to school. The more time passes, the more I feel like we're going to be stuck in Wayland another year. But there's no need getting depressed about it now. That article about Shenpa reiterated the importance of meditation. I really need to incorporate meditation into my life. I have no excuse not to -- I'm aware of the benefits, why would I purposely make my life harder? I don't know, why haven't I done yoga in like a week? It's not like I don't enjoy it! It's the best feeling EVER! Who flipping knows. Well, I guess I should get ready for work. Peace!
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