Alone

I feel like the people I have been closest to are drifting from me.  Bonds I took for granted, people I thought I was connected to for life....the connections are fading.  I already know that I'm not going to finish this in one sitting because we have to leave to bring Tristan to that guy in Zeeland in like 15 minutes.  I was totally calm about everything, but now I'm nervous.  

The CPS guy talked to Jewel last week and Brian told me everything was fine, that they just asked her where she sleeps and how everything is going.  Since she's been sleeping on the couch, I figured everything is fine.  But when I picked her up yesterday, I casually asked her about her interview.  She said they didn't ask where she sleeps, they already knew.  And I said, where is that?  She said, the room next  to the bathroom.  NOOOOOOOOO!  She probably still considers that her room because that's where she and Tristan hang out and play, and it used to be where she slept.  I guess the couch thing probably feels temporary to her, and I feel really bad about that anyway.  I mean, I offer her MY bed.  I'm not being a terrible mom.  She just doesn't want to sleep in my bed for some reason.  Anyway, she also said that she told them that everything is going well and that I'm bipolar but now that I'm taking medication I can control myself.  *facepalm*  

I can't even be mad at her.  I can't.  But shit, does she KNOW what she just did?  I can only imagine the mental picture the CPS guy got.  What's worse is that I'm NOT on medication, not really.  I mean, I take a Risperdal here and there if I feel too manic.  The thing is, though, even when I couldn't control myself...that doesn't mean I was beating the kids with wire hangers, or hurting them at all.  I was just yelling a lot.  Although I agree that yelling can be just as damaging, it in no way fits the CPS criteria for abuse.  Why am I worrying, anyway.  Really, why?  It's so weird how in a moment, the world can abruptly change to bright and full of promise to dreary and cold.

Shyloh said she might not even go to Peace Fest.  We don't even hang out anymore.  I always thought we were part of the same soul tribe, we used to be so close even when we spent years apart.  But now my boyfriend lives like 10 minutes from her but we never hang out anymore.  We don't ever talk on Facebook, and now she might not go camping.  I was really looking forward to some friend time.  I feel like everyone is drifting away from me, and I'm not very close to very many people to begin with.  If I had a ton of friends, it wouldn't matter if one or two drifted away.  But now I feel super alone.  I know it's probably because I suck at maintaining friendships, but that's never been an issue with Shy before.  I know that whenever she has a girlfriend, she sort of forgets about everyone else (and let's be honest, I do the same) but it feels different this time.  It feels like she just doesn't care.

What's funny is, I think Joth might say the same about me right now.  I know he feels like I don't care.  That couldn't be further from the truth, but there is a certain dynamic in our relationship that needs to change.  I can't take responsibility for both halves, of course, but I'm going to do my part to keep this relationship on the right track.  I won't accept responsibility for his feelings.  It just feels like no matter what, he's always the victim, and I'm tired of playing this game.  If he says something that hurts me, and I am hurt by it, bringing it to his attention hurts HIM and I am supposed to be sorry for BEING hurt.  If I am having a hard time and I withdraw, it becomes all about how much HE is suffering.  I don't have the mental energy to take on all of my pain and all of his pain too.  I can be there for him, listen to him, support him.  I am drawing a line in the sand, though.  I'm not carrying the full burden of every single fault in this relationship. 

I might update this later, we have to go.

Okay, I came back for an update.  We just drove all the way out to Zeeland for nothing, and I'm more confused than ever.  The guy asked where we were in the court process.  Court process?  The CPS guy specifically said charges weren't being filed against Tristan.  He also specifically told Tom that his counseling was sufficient, then he turned around and recommended that I take him to this guy.  I feel like they're talking out of both sides of their mouths and no one knows what the hell is really going on.  Don said he doesn't want me to get stuck with the bill, for one.  If CPS is requesting the assessment to determine if we need additional services, they would be paying for it...but they never sent over any information to Don.  If there are going to be legal proceedings, Don will not talk to Tristan until after all of that is finished.  This whole thing makes my head hurt.  I'm trying to just hold on, these are waves, I am a rock in the ocean.  Nothing can hurt me.

Update #2
I had to come back and update.  I think this is important for mood tracking.  I feel really depressed, no discernible reason why.  Everything feels wrong.  You know how when you're in synch with the universe, and everything just goes right, and you keep getting these little signs and bursts of pleasure and awesome happiness that life is on the right track?  Right now I feel like I'm on some wrong backwoods two-track, running into brambles and poison ivy and getting more and more lost with every turn.  I feel despair.  I feel like I can't find my groove and click into it.  

Part of me feels like I just MUST hang on, and everything will be okay.  I am telling myself that this will pass.  But another part of me is worried and afraid.  Tristan's counselor came to meet with him today and he was so embarrassing.  Well, the whole situation was.  Jewel was here and she was crying in the bedroom because I made her go in there to give them privacy.  So when I went in there to talk to her, I heard Tom out in the living room talking to Tristan and nicely asking him to get off the computer.  Tristan kept ignoring him.  

He'd say, "One more guy, and then we're done" and Tristan would say okay, but then after one guy he'd be like, oh wait, look at this, and on and on.  Finally I yelled out there for him to get OFF the computer.  Tom kept asking him if he wanted to go for a walk, or get ice cream, or get some fries.  Tristan kept ignoring him.  I felt like the worst mother ever and I was ashamed that he was being so disrespectful.   Plus, I also felt guilty that we really hadn't done anything today and I worried that he would think I was a lazy or uninvolved parent.  

It's the weekend and we didn't do anything fun.  We stayed inside and read books (Juju and I were reading and Tristan was playing video games) and I feel irresponsible because we should have been doing some family bonding activity.  But I feel depressed because I have no money and I always feel depressed when I'm broke.  It feels like I have no options, although I know that I could find a way to make it a memorable weekend without money and maybe I'm just lazy and maybe I'm making excuses.  Nothing is going right.  Nothing is the way I want it to be.  I feel like I'm failing.  I feel like everything is slipping away and I just want to be happy again.  It's especially important, right now, going through everything that we're going through that I make my best effort.  But it's all starting to wear on me.  I feel like I'm out of energy but there's so much of the race left to run.  And if I quit now, I'm done for.  

I'm waiting for a miracle.  My light is so dulled.  I don't know how to make it shine again.  I don't know how to break free from this box.  This feels like depression and I don't know how far down it's going to take me.  If I wait too long, I won't care enough to do anything.  The clock is ticking, I need to get an appointment with a psychiatrist while I still have the energy to do it.