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It feels like it's been FOREVER since I posted!  Well, 12 days really IS a lot.  Especially for me.  I think my mood has cycled at least 27 times.  I really wanted to keep posting, especially since so much has happened.  I have been working the  temporary day shift, though, and I did a bunch of overtime so I really never got a chance.

I'll do my best to give a synopsis.  Let's see...Tom got back to me.  He contacted the CPS guy and everything is fine.   They are not opening a case -- as a matter of fact, they have no issues with ME whatsoever.  Andrew and Sarah, however, are under more scrutiny and have a safety plan in place apparently.  

I'm so sorry to take any pleasure in the misfortune of others.  I would not wish losing your children on my worst enemy, and certainly don't want that to happen to them.  However, I can't help but be slightly amused that they wanted to run to CPS bitching about what a bad mom I am only to have the attention of CPS focused on THEM.  Duh.  WHY would you call CPS on someone who is doing a million times better than you in all areas of life expecting to tell some lies and be taken seriously?  Do you not THINK that they are going to notice you, too?  

Sarah doesn't want Tom over at their house anymore because he gives her parenting advice and she feels like he is criticizing her.  Here's the thing.  Counseling for Tristan is only going to go so far.  In reality, the behavior of your children has a lot  to do with your parenting, so for counseling to be complete and successful, it very well should involve giving parenting advice as well.  She is like Rachel, though.  She refuses to ever admit any fault.  She can't handle her flaws being pointed out and believes everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault, never hers.  

It was laughable at how much negative she had to say about my parenting when...well, let's see.  I have been documenting what Tristan has told me, and so far she's slapped him so hard he got a nose bleed and grabbed him by the neck and threw him across the room where he hit a dresser.  That was terrible sentence structure and horrendous grammar, but I really don't care right now.  I have way too much to say.  Also, his dad threw a toy piano at the two year old and hit the baby by mistake.  Wonderful environment.

The CPS guy did call Brian, though.  He wants to "check on Jewel's well-being".  I'm sure he wants to ask her questions about me, and I have no issue with that.  The biggest complaint Jewel has about me is that I don't like to play video games and am therefore boring.  I doubt I'll lose any parental rights over that.

Anyway, so that's coming to a close.  Mercury retrograde has ended!  It was a challenging period, but it was all necessary growth.  I do want to talk about my birthday now!

Last weekend, Joth came Friday night.  He brought me a beautiful flower and an AWESOME NINJA BLENDER!!!  Dude.  I can make PEANUT BUTTER with it.  I can use raw honey, organic peanuts, coconut oil....OMG.  I made hummus with it -- I even made the tahini!!!!!  I roasted the sesame seeds...maybe I burnt them a little...then processed them with olive oil in the master prep.  Then I used that and processed it with chickpeas, lemon juice, more olive oil, himalayan pink salt, garlic, and of course turmeric.  I mean, come on.  I don't want  to get cancer.  I put that shit in EVERYTHING.  Oh yeah back on topic.

So, Friday night we went to Ah Nab Awen Park and saw ET outside.  Well, kind of.  We were pretty far away from the screen, and to be honest, we were way more interested in each other.  The weather was perfect, the park was packed, and we were both in high spirits.  It was BYOB so I was enjoying a nice Two Hearted Ale while we sat on the grass.  We mostly just talked and kissed.  I made sure to get a few pictures because I want better photographic documentation of the things we do together.  Not that I'd ever forget, but I don't ever want to forget.

After the movie, we went to a bonfire with Crystal and Fabio.  It was a perfect night for it.  We came home afterwards and expressed our feelings to each other in a physical way.  ;)  Hahahaha, I can't remember who I heard say that.  Oh yeah, my friend Annie.  She said that she could hear her neighbors expressing their feelings to one another in a physical way and I found that pretty funny.  Speaking of funny!

Saturday, we got up and went to have coffee at The Bitter End.  I haven't been there since I lived on the west side, and I really wanted to go to a real coffee shop with Joth.  It's just something about the combination of real coffee, great conversation, and my favorite man in the universe that appeals to my slightly nerdy heart.  I had a bulletproof coffee (with grass fed butter and honey in it, plus guarana and whatever else) and he had a creme brulee latte.  This spell checker sucks.  It doesn't recognize guarana or brulee.  WTF?  Anyway.

Oh yeah, so then we headed to Cult Pizza because they have kombucha and I really wanted to have lunch there.  They don't open until 4, though, so we ate at a cute little Thai place for lunch.  It was delicious.  THEN, we went to Spirit Dreams and looked at crystals.  That was SO HARD.  I had to exercise such restraint.  I turned down MANY tempting crystals, but I did end up getting lepidolite, celestite, and labradorite.  Also, moldavite incense.  Just to be clear, I am fully aware that this document is a proofreading nightmare.  I. Don't. Care.  Why do I keep defending myself to ME?  No one has even judged me yet!  

Thennnnnnnnnnnn we went to Festival of the Arts.  Joth had me laughing SO HARD all day long.  We walked, held hands, kissed, laid in the grass, and I pretty much laughed my ass off.  I got some henna from Jillian (sister circle) and we got some ice cream.  Later, we had dinner and beer at Grand Rapids Brewery and finished just in time to watch Skankadank.  Danielle and Maria were there from the sister circle (Danielle's husband and Maria's boyfriend/fiancee are both in the band, as is Jamie).  I didn't talk to them.  

I thought back to earlier and how Jillian and I hadn't really talked much either.  I wondered if it was time for me to gracefully just exit the circle of friends I had tried to become a part of but never really belonged to.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  They are wonderful women and I love them.  I know they love me too, and they aren't clique-y or catty or anything like  that.  It's just that I have changed so much since I met them.  I don't know how to reintegrate myself as the new Christine into the same group of people who met me as someone I don't even identify with anymore.  I feel like the only way to leave that Christine in the past is to also walk away from anyone who knew her.  It's sad, though, because I want friends.  I want my tribe.  Although I know that these women are cut from the same cloth I am, I just don't know if that IS my tribe.  I feel more called to start something somewhere else.

Then again, that's the story of my life.  I'm always feeling called to something new and different.  I'm so over this job, I'm so over this apartment, I'm so done with this town.  Two years is a record for me.  Since I turned 18, I haven't lasted more than 2 years anywhere.  I AM ready to settle down, but this is not the place I'll do it at.  It will be with Joth, somehow, and then I will finally be content.  Not that we plan to stay in one place and stagnate -- we plan to experience everything together.  It's going to be one hell of an adventure.  I just ache to be closer to him NOW, like to have that part at least done.  I hate going out there and having to come back home a few days later.  I hate working so far away from where he lives.  I miss him every night that I have  to sleep by myself.

I don't NEED him.  I'm independent, I'm self-sufficient, it isn't like that.  But we are so much more together than I am on my own.  It isn't because my individual self is incomplete.  It's just that my individual self and his individual self fit perfectly together, and we can accomplish more as a team than we ever could on our own.  I see it as kind of a sacred mission, and you can laugh if you want to, but why else would it feel the way it does?  He's been there for me through it ALL.  And I know I've thrown some awful shit at him.  He has never insulted me, never talked about me behind my back, never fought dirty, never degraded or demeaned me.  He has been supportive, even when we have not seen eye to eye.  That brings me back to last weekend.

So, Saturday was perfect, absolutely perfect.  Sunday was cloudy and rainy, and I'm sensitive to that anyway.  I had all this anxiety because I had to get Tristan that night and I still needed groceries.  Joth had promised to help me, and I knew he would, but I couldn't relax.  It was hanging over my head.  Joth noticed and we started making a grocery list.  I found this vexing, because I had no idea what I was even going to cook.  The ingredients I need depend on the meals I make.  I wanted to choose healthier options but I hadn't done any research or looked up any recipes, so I felt overwhelmed and at a loss.  Joth tried to help and I snapped at him.  

We made it to the grocery store eventually, though, and it ended up being a BREEZE.  Like, way more easy than I ever believed possible.  See, all I needed was someone to just decide.  I could have stood in front of the coffees for an hour, deliberating over the prices and boldness and flavors, organic or not?  K cups or grounds?  If I get this flavor, what flavor creamer will go with it?  This happens with EVERY ITEM ON MY LIST.  If I even remember to BRING a list, which I don't.  I swear that it took us less than 15 minutes. I have NEVER been out of the grocery store so fast, not even when I only needed one thing.  Joth was my grocery shopping rock star.  I can put carrots in my smoothies now!  And cucumbers, broccoli, nuts, whatever!  WOOOOOOOOOOOT

Later that night, we argued and it was awful.  I got so worked up.  The next day, I bled, so I thought it must have been PMS.  But, my period is not due until the 17th.  That's why my IUD appointment is that day.  Plus, I only bled for one day.  More of THIS shit, really?  But Joth pointed out that I had put maca in my smoothie.  It was my understanding that using maca over time regularly could influence your cycles, which is why I stopped using it last year.  Remember, when I went to the doctor because of all that weird bleeding, and I had been using maca every day?  Anyway, there could be some truth to that.  I found this article for men which said:

Next with this specific sterol is maca root. Maca has several neat qualities, it blocks estrogen, increases progesterone levels, helps make testosterone (though the studies say it does not. I’ll explain in a bit). Maca undoes the thing that inactivates testosterone and progesterone (i.e. Sex Hormone Binding Globulin) which increases free testosterone levels (the important number to have counted as opposed to the total testosterone number). Maca increases seminal fluid production, which in turn increases fertility and prolongs orgasm! Used with arginine to increase sperm count size and strength it is the ideal combination to increase male fertility which has been plummeting since the 1970’s.

So maybe it gave me some kind of testosterone rage or something?  Who the fuck knows.  All that I DO know is that I was irrationally angry and upset, and I bled the next day.  I read back over our conversation and it was completely different from the one I had experienced the night before.  Everything that he had said and everything that I had said had meant totally different things when I had read them, and I had gotten on this track, I just couldn't get off.  It was snowballing and my anxiety and anger was building and reality just became more and more distorted.  I realized, reading it back over, that he had been right and I felt horrified.  Maybe I do need medication.  I know that I said that already.  It is definitely time.

Ohhhhhhhhhh I am SO TIRED and I haven't even talked about this past weekend yet.  Well, we spent it together and it was wonderful.  :)  I just can't anymore.  Nap time.