Multiplicity

Happy new moon!  The reason for my title is that the sun and the moon both are in Gemini.  Can you imagine an individual born during this time?  He or she would be like four people!  I have my hands full enough with both of me, and I'm pretty sure the people in my life couldn't handle two more either.  Then again, that's always what I think about when it comes to twin babies, too.  No way could I do that.  Yet somehow, people do it all the time.  I guess you don't really know what you're capable of until you are put to the test sometimes.  We tend to surprise ourselves.

Yesterday was my last day on the temporary early shift, and I grabbed some OT also so I worked 8:30 to 8:30.  The rest of this week I'm working 3-12, and I'm afraid because I've been getting tired early and waking up early.  I think I woke up at least 16 times last night.  From 5 AM until 9 I was just lying in bed, trying to FORCE myself to sleep more.  I decided I'll do yoga at 11 and maybe take a nap after.

I don't know if I updated this, but the CPS guy texted Sarah and I recommending that I schedule an assessment for Tristan with this guy that does sexual abuse evaluations for adolescents.  I was confused because Tristan isn't an adolescent, and Mike (CPS guy) specifically told Tom (Tristan's counselor) that his counseling was sufficient.  What changed?  Also, the CPS guy stopped to Brian's last night, which I think is hilarious.  Brian is not intimidated because he lives his life SOOOOOOOOO straight and narrow.  He's like this super particular anal retentive Virgo.  That is why we should never have been married.

I mean, the benefit of that is that he is insistent upon perfection.  Following the rules, staying inside the lines.  It doesn't work for me, though.  Therefore, he is not intimidated at all by CPS and in fact views this guy as a nuisance because it interrupts his carefully scheduled and controlled life.  Brian is looking at it as he is doing this guy a favor by allowing him to come over, but don't think for a second he'll be overstepping his bounds.  Which I love.  I wish I had been as sure of myself when CPS was HERE, but then again, I had reason to be afraid.  My son's behavior IS a red flag.  And I get that.  They need to look everywhere, at everyone.  I think sometimes, though, the people pointing fingers don't realize that leaves  them with four more pointing back at themselves.

Hmmmmmmm, what else.  Tons of synchronicity yesterday, which is expected when a new moon is approaching or if I'm around Joth.  He brings a lot of magic into my world.  :)  So yesterday, I kept seeing 1s and 3s.  Addresses, phone numbers, security codes.  So much it was to the point of ridiculousness.  Blatantly obvious.  Then, to top it all off, I woke up at 11:13 terrified and out of it.  I stumbled into the living room with NO PANTS ON, right in front of the SLIDER, looking for Tristan.  It took a while for it to sink in that he wasn't even here.  I don't know where that comes from.  

I was given a hypnotic drug, Versed (I think that's the spelling?) when I had an abortion.  The whole premise of this drug creeps me out.  It isn't a pain killer.  It just gives you amnesia.  So what I wonder, then, is are you feeling the pain?  Is it ethical to cause pain to someone when they can feel it, just because you've given them a drug that will make them forget?  If they've forgotten, did it really happen?

I wonder that all the time about my car accident.  I don't remember it.  So for me, it's like it never happened.  I'm sure that's some defense mechanism of the brain, but it mystifies me.  I remember right before the accident.  I remember 10 days after the accident.  Where was I, then?  Who experienced those things?  If they are not remembered, did they even occur for me?  Deep stuff, there.  

Everyone expected me to act like I had a new lease on life because I had come so close to death.  What they don't realize, though, is that I never knew I had been close to death to begin with.  People were disappointed that I wasn't more grateful for my second chance, but I don't remember the fear or the pain.  I just remember waking up from a coma with my jaw wired shut.  Cranky, because I couldn't eat real food.  Cranky, because I had to learn  to walk again.  Cranky, because I was 16 and it was summer and I was stuck in the hospital.  Cranky, because this messed up my plans to get my license and my trip to Europe that I had already paid for.  I didn't see a reason to feel lucky.  I only saw reasons to feel angry.

So anyway, back to the Versed.  When I started to come out of it, I had that same panicky feeling.  "Where's Tristan??!!" and then slowly I'd come around, realize where I was, calm down.  But it was an endless loop.  I'd drift off again, look up, and my heart would start pounding.  "Where's Tristan???" and over and over.  I wonder what those nurses thought of me.  What do I think of me?  Where did this come from?

And, speaking of hypnosis, I'm learning about NLP again with Joth.  For me, it's something I would never have believed except that Joth has used it successfully on me.  But I also want to learn hypnotherapy, especially past life regression.  That stuff fascinates me.  I've always been enthralled by the human mind and its workings.  I'm in learning mode, and I tend to stay that way throughout the summer, so I'm going to soak up as much knowledge as I can in preparation for my future life goals.

In the meantime, though, I did apply for two jobs closer to Joth.  I really feel like we can make so much more progress if we live closer to one another, and besides I miss him a lot so I have selfish reasons also.  Everything will come in its time, I know this, but today marks our NINTH new moon together.  Nine!  I have made it this far in a relationship before, but usually by this point things are falling apart and we're both kidding ourselves because we're too lazy and/or comfortable to put it out of its misery.  I told Joth that usually the beginning of my relationships is the best they'll ever be, and from there they disintegrate.  It's been the opposite with us.  Yes, he has seen the things I usually try to control or keep inside.  No, I couldn't kill the ugly parts or be a miraculously different person without any of my frustrating traits.  The difference, though, is that he hasn't used those as reasons to walk away.  Just the staying in itself has been healing.  

Hoodilidoo this weekend!  Yayyyyyyyyy I'm so excited!  I'm going to make some coffee.  Shoot, it's only 9:39.  What am I going to do with all this time?  Maybe I'll read that Urban Tantra book.  Yeahhhhhhhhh that sounds like a good idea.  Toodles!