That's the thing, when you're having so much fun. You rarely get enough pictures, and certainly not the right ones. It's so difficult to capture the essence of the magical weekend we had. Add to that the fact that there were no electrical hookups...and who wants to have her face buried in her phone at a music festival anyway???....so I didn't get to photographically commemorate the event like I would have wanted to.
If I could have had pictures of everything without interrupting the free flow of fun, I would have captured the field full of fireflies. It was breathtakingly magical. Or the fire performers -- poi, staff, and the mace looking thing. Beautiful hula hoopers, kids sliding down the homemade slip-n-slide on the hill, dissolving into fits of giggles in the pool at the bottom. I would show you the warm fire, generously created for us by a fellow camper. The face paint donated by another -- Joth had a neon curly mustache painted on him and it was EPIC. I would show you our spot in the shade, the little hangout on the blanket with drums and guitars while we all escaped the heat under the ONE tree on the grounds. I would show you the art barn, where Joth and our new friend Wesley played his little guitar. I would show you the view from the top of the hill, from whence we could see our camp in the distance. We named it "Camp Chicken Pot Pie". Don't ask. :)
I only hope the mental images stay preserved in my mind, and that I will always keep close to my heart the memories made this past weekend. Was it perfect, no...I would have preferred not waking up early on Sunday morning to go to work. That was a real buzz kill, man. Hahaha. I was saying, though, as we sat around the fire and talked about life and philosophy, karma and community...every now and then, we need to do this. We need a reminder of what life is supposed to be like. We need a recharge from other like-minded individuals, a shot of vibrance and optimism. We need to dust off our cynicism, chase away our skepticism, and renew our optimism. It's good for the heart, it's good for the soul. Ultimately, it's good for the world.
It was a great weekend, but returning to the real world has been jarring and depressing. I didn't ever want to have to come back to this. I want to live like that forever, happy and free. Loved and not judged. This was a place of kindness, where everyone helped everyone without being asked. Everyone shared, everyone hugged. Why can't it always be that way? It makes me sad to come back to this cold, harsh world. I'm having an unusually hard time adjusting. Sitting at work at my desk, I just feel like, WHY. What's the point. Why am I wasting my whole life here. This isn't what I was meant for.
Well, anyway. I'll get it together. It's been hard for me to get back to my yoga routine, and I know that will help. Every time my shift changes, it disrupts everything. I just started the 11-8 and aside from getting out early enough to pick up Tristan, I don't think I like it. I feel like I have no time to do anything else. I'm sure I'll get acclimated.
I have a doctor's appointment today for a bladder infection. I had it all weekend and I hoped it would just go away, but it hasn't and now my kidney hurts. Drat. Also, my period is acting wacky just like it did last year at this time. Coincidence? If not, what is the meaning? I had an appointment for the IUD on the 17th, but my period was not here yet so I had to cancel. It still isn't. However, I bled for one day on the 8th. What was that? I'm not pregnant, I took a test. So who freaking knows. My body is weird.
I think I have a fever. I am SO hot. I probably do have a kidney infection. I'm starting to get stressed out about the school year. It's almost July now, and I still have no answers. No word back from the two jobs I just applied for. Should I apply for more? Should I stay here for the year? I really don't know.
Joth and I had a little bit of a disagreement yesterday and I am trying to regroup and move forward. This needs to heal and be fixed, and I feel like we keep circling back to this place. I need an action plan. Continuing to move forward as is will only bring us back to this, but I'm confused as to what changes need to be made to escape this loop.
It's hard because I feel like he doesn't accept responsibility for contributing to any of our difficulties. If I express any kind of upset or disappointment, even if I pose it to him in a calm manner, he flips out and that's my fault. But if I get upset about him being irrational, that's my fault too. I feel like he thinks that I am the source of everything wrong in this relationship, and as long as he continues to think that way, how will we ever make progress? I can only take responsibility for me and effect change for myself. But there are two people in this relationship, and that is only half. If he can not even accept that our conflict is also partially caused by his actions, how will we ever move past this?
I just don't know what my next move should be. I didn't create this all myself and I can't fix it all myself. Nor do I care to be a part of a relationship where everything I do is wrong and everything wrong he does is also because of me. I want to be equal partners, taking equal responsibility, being equally accountable for our mutual success. I can't live as a scapegoat. I am just as worthy, just as flawed, just as right, just as wrong.
But for the most part, everything is wonderful between us. I have to believe that we'll find a way to overcome this. I don't yet know how, but this can't all be for nothing. We manifested so much together at Hoodilidoo that it was over the top INSANE. Everything we thought of came to be. In that environment, in that space, among the right vibrations...we were a magical force. I don't want to let that go. Cumbersome humanity, anyway. Wouldn't it be easier to just be beings of light and ditch that ego? *sigh* But surely there are lessons to be learned. Well, I should go for now....Ta Ta!
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