Good morning :) Yesterday, I felt AMAZING. I did get a migraine, which sucked, but it only lasted a couple of hours and then I felt magical again. It was amazing to me to realize as I drove home last night how different the same situations are seen behind the lens of happiness. It shocked me to discover just how large a percentage of our actual experience truly IS tied to our state of mind.
This weekend, I was a wreck. I didn't know if my relationship with Joth would make it, or even if I wanted it to. I was jealous, insecure, and hopeless. I was afraid of what would happen with CPS, afraid of these possible "legal proceedings". I felt like everything was going off track. Yesterday, not much had improved or changed in the way of my actual situations, but I had a positive attitude. I couldn't have felt jealous at all, about anything, if I tried. Worry? What's that? I was able to be comfortably assured in the knowledge that everything would be okay. I felt the divine sublime contentedness in the beauty and RIGHTness of everything, just as it is. Nothing was "hooking" me. I was just floating along, serenely observing and accepting.
I mulled over the addiction of negativity. I had broken it, but being in a relationship creates a new dynamic and a lot of things that I thought were behind me are now resurfacing. One of those ugly beasts rearing its head again is negativity. I've just slipped back into it, like picking up cigarettes again. It starts with a thought here, a comment there. Pretty soon, if you're not conscious of it, those weeds have overrun your garden. I remember how shocked I was after my dramatic change to be around my family again and to hear them criticize everyone, strangers in the street, as if it were normal. Mocking comments about the overweight lady on the street, laughter and ridicule for the nerdy kid in the hallway. This is not NORMAL. How did I possibly grow up thinking this was NORMAL? It made me sick to my stomach. Imagine what all that negativity swirling about your brain each day would do. It's infesting...in your kid's ears and nesting....(I totally just ripped off Eminem. Sorry, Slim Shady)
So, understanding that it took a lifetime to ingrain this negative programming, I can be a little patient with myself and persistently eradicate those pesky weeds once again. I won't lie, though. It's more challenging in a relationship. Why? Because I'm an empath and I don't know how to be around someone else's emotions without taking them on myself. I feel so bad and I feel so guilty, but you know how awful that recent depression was. Okay, really you DON'T, because of course at the worst, I wasn't exactly writing. I feel like I just came through hell. Now, my energy is back up, the sun is shining, my motivation is BACK -- yeah!!!! -- but Joth is still kind of in a slump.
I honestly, truly, sincerely do NOT know what to do. If there was some action he wanted me to take, or some change I needed to make, I would do it. It's not a slump that is fixable by a specific action from me, though. It's kind of a ride it out thing. And while I completely honor that....I don't know how to be close to it without getting pulled into it. I feel the emotions of ANYONE I connect to, regardless of whether I want to or not. I don't know how to shut it off. That's why I have like 2 friends, and I barely ever even see them. I don't know how I can help someone, how I can heal them, when all that will happen when I step into their bubble is that whatever sadness surrounds them will begin to surround me also. And I know it sounds selfish, I truly don't mean to be. I love Joth with everything I have. But I can NOT go back down there. How do you support someone, show them that you're there for them, and love them while protecting your own heart? I don't know. I have never known. Maybe that's something to bring up in counseling.
I'm guessing meditation would help, too. I'm such a damn procrastinator. I didn't wake up early enough to do yoga, either...I woke up at 5:19 and I have to leave here at 7. If I had started at 5:30, I'd only have had a half hour to get both Tristan and myself ready. I found a couple of Ayurveda courses for a somewhat affordable rate online. I'm working a lot of overtime and if I can be disciplined, I can make it happen. I'm really feeling a strong pull in that direction. Plus, an Ayurvedic Wellness Counselor would be a great addition to a holistic healing team, would it not? I'm still too nervous to spill the beans about what I'm holding out hope for -- but trying so hard not to at the same time. I'm afraid to dream too big....but even if THAT doesn't work out, no matter WHERE I end up, I would not regret getting the certification.
The sucky thing about mania now is the migraines. I have a whole list of psychiatrists and the time has come for me to make the call. I had already decided that during the recent depression, but the head pain yesterday reinforced that decision. I mean, it wasn't just my head...it was the sounds, the lights, the SMELLS. I couldn't stop that feeling that I needed to vomit, and throwing up in the bathroom at work during lunch is embarrassing. People can hear you. I remembered to press this spot on the base of my skull like Joth told me to during a previous headache, but every time I moved my finger, my head would explode in pain again. So I emailed Joth and he helped me, and he also helped me fix the nausea. I really love him a lot. Well, it's time to get ready for work! Today, I vow to speak NO negativity. I will try not to think it, but it might be more realistic to just correct the negative thoughts as they arise.
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