BAM. Just like that. I'm blogging again mostly to illustrate the concept of "rapid cycling", but also because I have something to say. Something more important than droning on about my sad, pathetic first world problems. Like, oh my god. Get over yourself.
Apparently, the coffee is working. I was researching natural ways to boost dopamine yesterday, and caffeine was one of them...that's why I got the energy shot. The problem is, though, I have such a high tolerance to caffeine that the amount that would be needed to lift me out of a low would be pretty extreme. Exercise was one option, but come on! I always thought that was such a ridiculous solution for depression. Depression, by its very nature, saps you of the energy and motivation to even THINK about exercising. Sure, it would make you feel better. Shit, I didn't shower for 4 DAYS. I couldn't even do THAT. Do you think I could honestly get up and break a SWEAT?????
I can already feel that I'm going off track from my original point, but maybe I'll get there. For right now, though, I want to talk about how chemical imbalances and shortages of certain neurotransmitters contribute to addiction. Here's the thing, being bipolar is a tricky thing when you're trying to self-medicate. Hell, it's difficult enough for the PROFESSIONALS. If I were depressed, they'd prescribe a SSRI. (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor). The problem is, though, in a bipolar patient, antidepressants can trigger mania. So you can't just have the SSRI on its own, you need to pair it with a mood stabilizer. Those are the "downers" -- and sure, sometimes they are needed. The faster your brain goes, the more easily you become agitated. The thoughts spin so quickly that they take on a life of their own, you can hear them as voices in your head. You can't sleep, and the sleep deprivation takes its toll. It can lead to paranoia, since your mind is working overtime and analyzing everything to death. You hear people whispering about you, laughing at you.
Mania can be fun, don't get me wrong. The trick is to know yourself, and to know when it crosses the line. I don't want to ALWAYS be on a mood stabilizer. Why? Because they block dopamine. Dopamine is necessary for motivation, energy, a general sense of well-being. And while I completely agree that at times it is necessary to tone it down, I get a hell of a lot done in a hypomanic phase. And I'd like to believe that I'm responsible enough to take something to tone it down WHEN NECESSARY. Okay, so sometimes it takes Joth bringing it to my attention, or kindly suggesting it. Which I usually agree with. But just recently, when I started feeling the apathetic detachment, he suggested that I take a Risperdal and while I was desperate to feel normal again...I knew it wasn't the answer. Shit, how could I possibly have slowed myself down any MORE? I needed MORE dopamine, not to freaking BLOCK it.
Attempting to self-medicate can lead to addiction and exacerbation of symptoms. One of my past psychiatrists told me that the two most commonly abused drugs of bipolar patients were alcohol and cocaine. I understand perfectly. Let's say you're a little too high, you need to slow down. Alcohol, being a depressant, solves the problem. Another appeal that alcohol has had for me is that it also alleviates social anxiety. But taking a depressant can trigger a depressive episode. Now what to do? Now you're low on dopamine. What's a quick way to boost that? Oh, cocaine. Problem solved, right? Except no, stimulants can trigger a manic episode. So what you have is this sick, vicious wheel of death that you feel is keeping you alive but at the same time is killing you.
I don't like psychopharmacology. I feel that we humans, bumbling around and mixing all of these different chemicals together, still don't know a fucking THING. But it's someone's BRAIN -- their entire LIFE -- you're fucking with. It's serious business. We used to think lobotomies were a good idea, for crying out loud. These chemical lobotomies are no better. Your emotions get too extreme, so let's turn them OFF? There must be a better way to get in balance.
From an ayurvedic standpoint, it all starts with nutrition. Food is medicine, and your diet plays so much larger a role than most people realize. Neurons in the gut are thought to generate as much dopamine as those in the head, and it all comes back down to what you're putting IN your body. This is why I'm fascinated with ayurveda. I really need to get that certification. I promised myself that I would do that before I turned 35...time is ticking. Shit, I'm all OVER the place! Here's the article. Then, on to my topic.
Gut Instincts
Hey, maybe the reason for my improvement isn't the coffee, but the smoothie? I didn't drink one yesterday, and I DID have coffee. This smoothie has broccoli, avocado, a carrot, a nectarine, blueberries, maca, ashwagandha, raw honey, spirulina, cinnamon, turmeric -- oh, hey! I was just reading an article yesterday about how curcumin (the active ingredient in turmeric) can increase dopamine! In fact, here's an excerpt from an article:
Many studies show that stress-induced damage to hippocampal (region of the brain) neurons may be the reason behind depression. Well Curcumin can increase neurogenesis of these regions, much in the same way that exercise, environmental enrichment and learning can. Therefore, Curcumin can reduce depression, anxiety and stress.
Besides neurogenesis, another major reason Curcumin has anti-depressive activity is the noted increase in the level of serotonin when taking it. Remember serotonin? This ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitter plays a role in the regulation of mood, sleep, memory, learning, and sexual behavior. In addition, Curcumin increases the level of dopamine in the brain too!
So by enhancing serotonin, dopamine and neurogenesis in the brain, the Curcumin in Turmeric has antidepressant activity, comparable to any antidepressant on the market.
Shit, I am NEVER getting to my original point. I think this train has officially derailed. I just want to talk about ayurveda and herbalism right now. THIS IS MY PASSION!!!! Okay, but I should at least MENTION why I titled this the way I did.
It's because I had an epiphany! Well, of sorts. I'm looking at all of these hateful people, upset about gay marriage. Upset about wanting the "free speech" to spew hate, and the "freedom of religion" to oppress others. I felt disdain for them, but I knew that hate has never solved one problem. Reacting to hate with more hate never makes the "enemy" stop at think...hey, that person is being an asshole to me. It must be because I did something to deserve it. I must be acting like a tool! No, in fact it does the opposite. They think, see, what an asshole that person is. They DESERVE my hate and for me to treat them this way. Have you ever been acting like a douche to someone, and then they respond with love and kindness, even though you don't deserve it? Aren't THOSE the ONLY TIMES that you actually may possibly think to yourself...hey, I'm being a total asshole.
Back to my point, though. In an effort to love, and in recognition that we are ALL the same, I tried to understand where these people are coming from. Hurt people hurt people. Those who have been the subject of negativity and hate spread it to others. Juliea always says that monsters are created, not born. So, it's like a virus. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be happy. But let's say that someone very important to you hurts you. You then have to tell yourself that it is normal for that person to do that to you, and that's what love is, and that's what people do. Maybe people model hateful behaviors, and you adopt them knowing no better. You catch them, like a virus. You spread them to others.
I believe the natural state of humanity is one of love, compassion, and peace. Hatred comes from fear, which is the virus. It isn't our original programming. Our original programming becomes corrupted when this disease hacks in, and look how it's destroying our society. How do we stop it? Not with more hate! We need to spread the antidote -- love. I know that sounds hippy-dippy and idealistic, and make no mistake, it's not going to be an instant miracle. We may still die in a world full of hatred. But spreading our light is our ONLY HOPE.
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