Let's get this party started, shall we? First of all, before I begin, make no mistake -- I am thankful for life, grateful and honored beyond all belief for the lessons of today. I AM happy. I'm probably going to talk about some negative shit that might sound like I'm not, but I have had several illuminating moments today. The past few days have changed me and I do feel like I'm on the upswing. Not that the DOWNswing was bad, because I had a bunch of stuff to work through. Icky stuff. But you have to clean those infections before they fester and spread. And it does hurt.
Mood tracking, super manic. Like, the summertime only brand. Random exclamations of complete unrelated nonsense. Talking so fast I can't slow down. Heart palpitations, insomnia. Flights of fancy. And now of course the new fun migraine piece joins the troupe...THANKS. Literally RIGHT after I posted my blog last night I got in the most horrendous unreal gut-twisting heart-shredding argument with Joth. We were just going off the rails. It happened so fast that despite my desperate clambering to regain control, I couldn't get us back on the track. I was hindered by my inability to communicate, although my heart knew what it wanted to say. My soul brain couldn't penetrate the stubborn bog of muddy confusion in my tired body brain and I just KNOW that made things worse. On one hand, I should have stopped while I was ahead. On the other hand, I just couldn't leave it that way. It was killing me that things were bad and I couldn't just leave it alone.
Kind of like (this is gross) when you're trying to pop this zit and you came at it all on the wrong angle and your fingernails are digging grooves in your face and the area is red and you've torn up all the skin around it and at some point you realize that you're just making it worse, and you need to just keep your hands off it. But you can't. Now it's become a matter of principle. If you try to stop, you just keep thinking about it. Maybe finally you do pop it, but by that time you know that the cost wasn't worth the reward. Your face is all clawed to hell and you're bleeding and your face is swollen and it looks ten times worse than before you tried to pop it. You should have just stopped when you realized you wouldn't succeed. How many times do we doggedly pursue paths that lead us nowhere, even after we realize that they are dead ends?
I should have stopped. I didn't even really know what I'm saying. Here's the trouble with super manic -- this is the time that things are moving so fast that I don't really know what is happening until after it happened. There is a delay. I am not actually IN time. Where am I? Probably the same place I go when I black out from drinking. (Which, for the record, has only happened to me when I drank with Noe. Ever, in my life. I don't know why, because I have drank larger amounts before and since and it never happened with anyone else. I think he did something to my mind. In fact, I KNOW he did, but that's an irrelevant trail that I'm not going to hop down)
Oh! So speaking of like my brain and my heart, I made a connection today. So, it's a full moon in Sagittarius. The sun is in Gemini. I am Gemini Sun/Sagittarius Moon. Additionally, I am a Gemini and Joth is a Sagittarius. We played our roles, all right. The fight from last night exploded into today, in a furious flurry of frustrated emails and misspelled disjointed texts. Rapid fire, back and forth, a verbal stream alternating between apologetic appeals and indignant accusations. The Ang Stoic full moon report REALLY applied. But also, I realized as I read it that this is the constant struggle that plays out within me all the time. Emotionally, I am my moon. Mentally, I am my sun. So the head/heart is in conflict every day, like Joth and I were today. In my heart I am an idealist optimist. In my head, I am a logical skeptic. I have mentioned this many times, that I have the Princess of Cups on one shoulder and the Queen of Swords on the other. And this is why. The idealism of Sagittarius is opposed by the detached intellectual coolness of Gemini. I need to balance these forces within myself and outside of myself.
Here's a little excerpt:
The Sagittarian Moon
This moon indicates a very vibrant, very passionate emotional desire to satisfy our ardent curiosity; a lust for adventure and wide-ranging experiences; to experience the most awesomest time in the most hyper-optimistic way that we can conjure (of all time, ever!!). Of course in this alignment the Moon is held highly to account by the highly discerning Gemini Sun. This opposing Sun, being in an air-sign, doesn’t quite condone all of this highly exaggerated emotional conviction. All this unbecoming excitement, holding ardent faith in some wild and whimsical pursuit just doesn’t compute at all with the highly discriminating solar consciousness here. Gemini, being an air sign, likes to harp on facts, and thus insists on evidence and empirical data to make a case – Sagittarius, being truly inspired by the sheer inspiration of fire prefers to go on intuition and the very verve and spirit of its enterprise. Both see each other as a bit impractical and hence the conflict of interests arises. Usually they work it out, but it is this conflict that makes this particular Full Moon moment quite instrumental in the progression of our overall spiritual development.
It is as if the great ‘inner/outer’ dialogue begins to take a crucial form now and from this, a decisive outcome is becoming forged. Whether this is a process that we must conduct alone within our meditative mind, or we externalise into debate with those around us, this becomes a scrupulous moment in our monthly cycle where our instinctive urge to uncover a truth is challenged by a string of resisting premises, all equally sound in their assertion of intelligent points, each valid enough to entertain and make us question the whole basis of our belief system.
This is going to be a looooooooooooong entry. Just a heads up. So, I was feeling despair and defeat and fear and anxiety and devastation and loss and uncertainty. I was rocked and shocked and I didn't know what to do. I was clinging so hard to the fact that he didn't apologize. We had this argument, I was sorry, and I tried to let him know that the entire situation could have de-escalated if only he had said those two little words. That's it! I didn't expect him to take the blame, I knew that I was largely at fault. But when communication breakdowns happen, both participants contribute in some way. I'm not even saying it was intentionally. Goddess knows I didn't mean to hurt him, I'm not at all implying he meant to hurt ME. We both ended up accidentally hurt, casualties of the careless words flung around in unconscious moments. Emotional bulls in interpersonal china shops. But it really hurt that he couldn't apologize.
Then I read that article this morning and it helped me understand. Honestly, what bothered me the most about it was the fear that because he refused to admit any mistake, that he must assume that I was the root cause of this disagreement and EVERY disagreement. Which may lead him to later decide, if he believes that I am the cause and perpetuation of every conflict, that a troublesome force such as myself is unwelcome in his life. If he is unable to see that he played a part, do I bear the burden of the full responsibility? Am I, in his eyes, the negative factor, and therefore does he believe that everything would be fine in the ABSENCE of this negative factor? What it came down to is, does he think I'm a failure? Is he disappointed in me? Does he view me as unworthy? Which then leads to my own feelings of unworthiness.
Which tied me right back to the article I read about people who don't apologize. It said that these people suffer from low self-esteem and to admit a fault they feel is a reflection of their actual worth. Instead of seeing it as a behavior, they see it as a character flaw. Nobody is perfect. But for someone who can't apologize, it is because to them, to be imperfect is to be worthless. And I know this is true because the conversation we had last night was pretty clear from his end that he took my request for an apology as an accusation of being a shitty boyfriend and my declaration of having been hurt by him was like saying he is worthless and can't do anything right and I don't remember or appreciate anything amazing he did. So in that way, I can relate. His lack of apology makes me question my self-worth, my request for apology makes him question his. There must be a way around this. We love each other madly. But we do need to communicate better.
I just worried that if we keep getting in arguments, and he keeps thinking it's all my fault, eventually he'll believe that the right solution is to break up. And I don't want to lose him. We have something so great, so amazing, that even though I have always been a runner I am rooted. Fully committed. Staying present and showing up even when things fall apart.
In other news, I learned something today. I had so many customers tell me today that I made their day better, one called me a superhero, others said I was the most helpful representative they had ever talked to. Well I guess I'm thankful that I'm doing OT during mania, because I wouldn't have the mental fortitude to make it through all of these calls and emerge on the other side as chipper and upbeat like I have. I did not engage any of the angry customers today or yesterday. No matter HOW rude, or angry, or upset they were. Even if they were demanding, insulting, rude, interrupted, belittling, ignorant. I treated each of them with as much love and kindness as I could, and I had miraculous results. I am going to try this in everyday life.
Oh! Tom called me back, so I'm going to meet with him probably Thursday. I'm getting an IUD put in when my period starts, my appointment is for the 16th. I can go for Mirena, which is hormonal and lasts 5 years. I'm leaning toward Paragard, though, because it's non-hormonal (copper) and lasts 10 years. I'm going to do some research, though. I should stop blabbing now.
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