I looooooooove those pants!!! I really want to know where I can get some. :) So today I did day 5 of the yoga challenge, it was abs part 2. As you can tell from the picture above, it included a lot of plank and side plank. I'm going to do a longer, harder workout (oooh, that sounds dirty...) after I finish blogging.
So. The new moon sister circle was yesterday at Jillian's house. For whatever reason, only four of us were there. I feel like that was exactly perfect because I wasn't very close to or comfortable around those three yet and spending some sistar time together really enhanced the bonding. We had a lovely dinner together, Jillian did some henna for me, and we had a nice long chat. The drive home, despite scary slippery treacherous roads, was serene and blissful. I didn't get scared, anxious, or tense behind the wheel at all. The roads were definitely the worst I've seen all winter, but I was so zen. I really feel like sharing energy with those wonderful ladies helped elevate me and I am so thankful for that.
Work was pretty good today and my numbers were pretty good. Randy had been leaving me alone for a while after I cancelled our date but he's back at it again. He wants to reschedule and I'm not sure what to tell him. I don't know WHY I was so into him one minute and then, like a switch, it just flipped OFF! Maybe I had my "bipolar goggles" on. You know -- they're like beer goggles. When I'm having a manic episode, my judgement is impaired and I find my interest piqued in people who I never noticed before. Then, sanity returns and I'm apathetic again.
No, no, no. I'm lying to you and I'm lying to myself. Humorously enough, LIES are the source of this strange issue with me. I have noticed it happen before. I can be so into someone, so devoted. But as soon as I notice they are a liar, the interest vanishes without a trace. Of course, this is just a hypothesis. I think it's related to the idealization/devaluation cycle. Because of course, we are ALL liars. I think it's more that I idealize someone -- MY version of them -- but as soon as they display an imperfection, I discard them completely. Funny, isn't it? Because I seem to recall griping about men doing pretty much that exact thing to ME.
Maybe I AM a narcissist. Really, what turned me on about this guy to begin with? I'll tell you. He was so into ME. That's what I thrive on, isn't it? It's the adoration from another. That's why I like that honeymoon phase, because I like to be admired and adored. I'm not attracted to a person because of how they look or how they think or what they do, or really anything about THEM. I don't like them, I just like that they like ME. And the more obsessed they seem with me, the more I feed off their fascination.
My mom used to say that the only requirement for me to date someone is that they like me. Well, that's pretty much true. If I had my choice between a smart, introspective, creative, spiritual yogi -- my perfect match -- who was just kinda digging me, or a conservative sexist judgmental country music fan who idolized me....well....
This is something I need to work on. And I feel that until I get this issue resolved, I have no business dating. A relationship should be two healthy people who admire and support one another with healthy boundaries and a good level of self esteem who recognize their own self worth and honor and respect themselves. That was a terrible sentence, but I'm not submitting this essay for a grade so I'm not concerned. Anyway, until I can enter into a romantic relationship with someone because of who he or she is rather than how he or she makes me feel, I'm not ready. Happiness comes from within. I need to perfect the art of self love before all else.
I was going to talk about my lunchtime epiphany, but I'm feeling pretty tired. Maybe I'll talk about it tomorrow. Namaste!
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