And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'Cause I know that you'd feel me somehow, You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And I don't want to go home right now...

Yup.  That's the pose of the day -- savasana.  I have a lot of manic energy, but it's mostly cerebral.  My mind is racing, but my body said...fuck this.  

The first yoga video I tried to do appealed to me, it was a level 2 hour long class entitled, "Trust Yourself".  Sure, I'm only at level 1/2 (like, one and a half...not one half) but I'm pretty good at yoga.  I figured it would be pretty easy, no problem.  Well, about halfway through, spontaneously Elena (the instructor) just flat out decides we're going to spring into handstand!  Handstand?  What???  Yeah, I tried, but of course it didn't work out.  

If I were a good yogini, I'd have done my very best and made it through the whole practice.  But sometimes, I'm a quitter.  And sometimes, I barely have enough energy to get to the mat, and upon encountering the first obstacle I decide I've had enough.  Sure, I have days where I push through it and test my boundaries.  Today was not that day.

On the plus side, today I finished Day 29 of the 30 Day Yoga Challenge!  I've done it.  I've done yoga every single day for the past 30 days without fail.  I'm very proud of myself!  I'm also very proud of myself for not giving in to current temptations.  I'm telling you, I'm like a wild animal.  I'm trying to find another outlet for this sexual energy, but it's complicated.  It's not just horny.  If it were that, the vibrator would do the trick.  

No, it's this deeper craving for chemistry, human chemistry.  That delicious electric current, that first kiss feeling, that lightheaded head rush, that chase, that surrender.  

I am starting to understand that I have always used sex as a replacement for intimacy.  I'm afraid of real intimacy.  I don't actually want to share my heart, or create a bond.  I'm uncomfortable with emotion.  But I crave closeness.  I want to feel that sense of belonging, that pseudo-vulnerability.  I can let a man into my pants but never into my heart.  I feel alone, and lonely, and untouchable -- and no matter how many hands, how many lips, have touched me...I'm still somehow out of reach.

During sex, for those few moments, I can lay my body bare...but not my soul.  I am able to connect, my brain flooded with chemicals, my heart momentarily tricked into believing that what I feel compares to love.  It is only during sex that I can pretend I know what love must feel like.

I don't.