Good morning, people! Boy, are we in trouble today! I've been up since 12:30 AM. I gave up trying to fall back asleep at 4 and played on Facebook until 5, at which point I did yoga for 45 minutes, drank a protein shake, and took a shower. I decided I may as well blog, so here I am!
Have I mentioned how much I LOVE YogaGlo? Because I do. Krissy and Randy from work invited me to go to the gym with them this morning, but I felt kind of apprehensive about working out in front of people. I chose an "anti-aging tonic" Kundalini yoga routine. I loooooooove Kundalini yoga, I used to do it last summer but I had it on DVD and I really hated doing the breath of fire. This workout didn't have any of that and I really feel like it sparked my inner glow. I'm nervous about when I'm going to start getting tired. I wish I had been able to sleep last night.
That's the thing about spring, though -- with the sunshine comes insomnia! I remember doing this same thing last year. As frustrating as it is, I still love hypomania and I'm hoping I still have energy when I get home so I can get my apartment clean. I think leading up to my meeting with Sienna, my energy was just frozen. I was scared. It turned out, I had no reason to be.
When I got to McDonald's, they were in the play area and she was sitting in a high chair eating some fries and apples. Oh my goodness, her pictures absolutely don't do her justice. She is beautiful, and you can tell in pictures. But in person...she is breathtaking. And I mean, sure, I'm biased. 50% of her DNA is mine, of course I'm partial to her. But honestly...she's exquisitely beautiful. Not only that, but she has this vibrancy about her -- it's like this inner glow, she exudes joy. As soon as she saw me, she smiled so big. I was able to observe during our short visit that she is very friendly with everyone, but still, the way she smiled at me -- it was like she knew me. I know she can't possibly remember, but it's the same smile Jewel and Tristan give me. It really put my heart at ease.
After she was finished eating, we went to go play in the play area. I was afraid to touch her. Kelli got her out of the high chair and I started walking with her to the treehouse thing. I didn't know if it was okay to pick her up, to hug her, to kiss her, so I didn't. But they she reached out and grabbed my hand and it made me so happy. Her tiny little soft baby hand, wrapped around my fingers, leading me to the toys. She was excited. She was happy.
She chattered away and bounced up and down excitedly, pointing to things and making all these precious animated expressions on her face. I can't believe she's talking already. I mean, she HAS been, but she's really chatty now. She would grin and say, "Hi!!!" to every kid we saw. I had an awkward moment when one little girl said, "Your baby is so cute!" I didn't know what to say to that. I mean, she IS my baby...but she's not. I just smiled.
Anyway, after about 20 minutes she wanted to go back by her mom. I expected this day to make me feel sad, or empty, or angry. I almost feel like I must not be doing something right because I didn't. I don't. I felt relieved. I felt grateful. The visit gave me peace in my heart and joy to see what a happy girl she is and to know that I gave her that opportunity. To know that I gave her the perfect parents, that they have loved her and cared for her and given her a rock and a source of unconditional love free of anything that would tarnish her bright spirit.
Not only did I pick the perfect parents for Sienna, but in regards to the adoption they could not be more down to earth and compassionate toward me. They don't feel threatened by me, they don't resent me wanting the visit, they don't act like it's a competition. All three of us know that they are her parents, but I'm finally starting to accept that it's okay to be a special part of her life too. And they have no hang-ups about that either. Their love for Sienna is pure, and they just want her to be happy. I just love them all, so much. :)
The best part was at the end, when I told Sienna goodbye. She said bye-bye and waved...then she blew me a cute little baby kiss. Oh, what a sweet little doll she is. I'm so amazed that something so wonderful and amazing came from such horrible circumstances. She really is my lotus...and that's why I'm having the tattoo of Noe's name on my neck covered up with a lotus. It is a flower that grows in the mud and the muck, just as the circumstances that led to the creation of Sienna were gross and yucky. But out of them arose a beautiful blossom. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment