I'm gonna marry the night I won't give up on my life I'm a warrior queen Live passionately tonight

Good ol' Lady Gaga.  One of my all-time favorites, and I don't care who judges me for it!  She's one of the coolest people ever.  I love her effervescent personality, how she isn't afraid to live out loud and be wild and different despite what anyone says.  I mean, we're ALL different.  But she embraces her uniqueness unapologetically.  Apparently that's not a word.  Oh well, I just made it one.  :)

I may sound like I'm in a great mood right now -- and I AM -- but I just finished yoga crying on my mat.  I woke up this morning filled with fear and anger and sadness and inertia.  I knew that feeling of crippling depression and pessimism setting in.  Last night I was fantasizing about cutting again, which I haven't done since I was with Noe.  Thank goddess I don't have any sharp objects because I'd be having some regrets right now.  I really just almost lost it.  My seething rage transformed into a hopeless despair and I felt myself spiraling down to the place you can't come back from until it releases you.  The place where bills don't get paid and hair doesn't get washed and calls don't get answered and food doesn't get eaten.  I can't risk that.

I was half-heartedly flipping through some of the yoga classes on YogaGlo -- oh my gosh, I can't get OVER how much I LOVE that site!!! -- and I happened to find one titled "Yoga for a Great Attitude".  Uhhhh, hell YES!  Sign ME up!  So I did it.  It was an hour class with a lot of backbends and twists.  I theorize that the intention was to get the energy flowing down the spine.  Whatever it was, I never heard so many snap-crackle-pops come from my spine as I did today...but it must have released something.

At the end, in savasana, I expected to feel giddy "high" elation.  Which, honestly I was a little worried about because I'm so manic right now that I don't need an energy boost.  Instead, I was pleased to feel peace.  Calm.  Acceptance.  Afterwards, when we sat up, tears just started rolling down my face.  Whatever I was holding in just came pouring out.  I think I'm as good as I'm going to be -- but I have work ahead of me.