Lana, ahhhh she's another one whose lyrics are pretty much the story of my life. I totally get what she's saying. I ALWAYS try so hard not to get into trouble, but I do have a war in my mind. There are, literally, two people inside my head. Furthermore, they don't agree. At all. Oh, the joys of being a Gemini...:)
I mean, just to illustrate my point -- Me #1 is very shy. She is an introvert. She doesn't like going out or being around people, and when she is, she is very quiet. People can barely hear her. She doesn't speak up. If someone calls attention to her, her face turns bright red. Me #2, on the other hand, has no filter. She talks too much; she talks too loud. She can't sit still. Needs to be entertained. Is not easily embarrassed and can't understand how other people are. Truly; she embarrasses other people and can't figure out why. She is friendly, happy, outgoing. Me #1 never thinks she is good enough. She assumes people don't like her. She always wonders what's wrong with her. Me #2 loves life.
After all these years trying to figure this out, is this really so different than what we all deal with? I wouldn't know, because I don't know normal. This IS my normal. I can't conceive of a life where you are always one person and you never disagree with yourself. So maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect we ALL have EVERYTHING inside of us, and different factors determine which of those qualities we will express at any time. And they can change. But the other qualities aren't gone, they're just latent. In the background. And you can always flip that switch and go from good guy to bad guy, prude to whore, sinner to saint, liar to truth-teller, responsible to reckless. I just think my switches flip a little more easily, and more often. I am everything, and it's a contradiction, but it's my truth.
Regarding my sexuality, I have tried to force myself to "pick". Oh, I must be a lesbian because I definitely like girls so maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe I have just been forcing myself to pretend I like guys all this time; maybe I never really did. Maybe I'm gay. But as soon as I decide I'm gay, I fall in lust with some charismatic man who occupies my every thought. So I decide, maybe I'm straight. Maybe I'm just an open-minded straight girl. But then I'll develop a huge crush on some girl and fantasize about marrying her and every man disgusts me so I'm back to thinking I'm a lesbian again. And it's that -- why it's so hard for me to say or to think that I'm bisexual -- because it's never BOTH at the same time. I'm either head over heels for a girl, or consumed by a guy. The thing is, though, I'm always physically attracted to women. I'm usually only physically attracted to one man at a time and it has nothing to do with how he looks.
*sigh* Anyway, I'm still manic. And I started to take some dangerous risks yesterday. I mean, I LOVE this energy. I feel so ALIVE. I want to feel like this all the time! Almost. My sexuality is starting to get out of control. I can't think straight. I really fear that I'm going to make a stupid decision, and I don't know how to get in my own way. I was contacting random guys on dating sites yesterday, and if one had responded, I wouldn't have thought twice about meeting up (not at my apartment, though, that will never happen). I thought I had this hypersexuality conquered. I haven't had sex since November. Now I feel like it's really only a matter of time before my next dangerous liaison. What do I do? Lock myself up? If sensible Christine deletes the dating sites, reckless Christine will just install them again. She is so dumb. And she's about to get herself in trouble again, and I don't know how to stop her.
Well, anyway, yoga. Tree pose! Today, yoga felt like ballet. I think back to how I really just started yoga seriously a year ago, and not on a very regular basis until around 6 months ago. Today, we put our leg out in front, I didn't fall. Bent the knee, turned the foot in toward the other thigh. I still didn't fall. Right foot pressed against left inner thigh, arms reaching up. Stable. Then the right hand, palm up, on top of the right thigh. Left hand reaching over. (Just like in the picture at the top). I felt amazing. I felt like a graceful goddess. And then later, when we did crow pose -- flawless.
Oh yeah! And I forgot to mention that last time, when we did headstand -- I totally did it! It was awesome! Until my legs started to fall, and I couldn't really find a graceful way DOWN, and I almost kicked my TV off the stand. But still.
I reflected on this during savasana. I thought about how people get discouraged about doing yoga because they see people doing challenging poses and think, "I could never do that". Or they'll try a pose, and fall, and feel like it's useless. And the only thing you can do to get from point A to point B is just regular, consistent practice. Progress comes in millimeters. Consistency, repetition, dedication. Then one day, you're suddenly doing that thing you once thought was impossible. I think this applies to life as well.
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