Good day! I'm just relaxing with my coffee, listening to some Deva Premal. I just finished with yoga and my energy feels a little calmer today. I'm a little bit sad about it, because yesterday after I finished blogging, I sat here at the computer and wrote for a straight three hours. I wouldn't have stopped, except I had to go pick up the kids.
I decided that it's time for me to write my story. Most of it is already written here in this blog, but I want to use that in order to help other women who are where I have been. I have been thinking about it, and I realized that when I was in that situation and trying to get out, no one was ever really REAL with me.
I read a lot of books. I talked to social workers and counselors. I had supportive friends, but I feel like everyone always said what they thought they were supposed to say. I felt like I couldn't meet the expectations anyone had of me. I felt embarrassed to admit how I really felt or what I really thought, because all the survivors presented to me were made to seem like they were something I could never be. The testimonials and advice only made me feel like I was doing things all wrong, that I was destined to fail at turning my life around because I clearly didn't have what it took.
Additionally, many people who were trying to help or give advice just had no idea what it was like. These were people who had never experienced the complex situation I was in and could definitely not understand it. Why would I listen to them? I know what I thought about women in abusive relationships before I had ever been in one, so I know how other people think. I know now that they have no clue.
I cringe any time I hear, "I would never let a man treat me that way!" I used to say that too. Or, "If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave?" or, "Well, she keeps coming back, so she deserves everything she gets. She should know better." And sure, from the outside, that DOES make sense. But that's the trouble with trying to form opinions about things we don't understand -- we only have the black and white. So few things in life, if anything, are ever black and white. I remember when I got into the first controlling relationship, a friend of mine had said, "I can't believe you're putting up with this. You used to be the biggest feminist I knew!"
It was true. From the time I can remember, I have always been passionate about women's rights. I have always been inflamed at the injustices and the dominating patriarchy. I have done speeches and reports in high school about various plights of womankind. Truly, I feel like this has been my calling from a very young age, to empower women. I always knew it. So why, then, did I find myself in the very situations which angered me so? Because this IS my calling. And how could I ever help a woman in a situation I don't understand?
My struggles have been my gifts. You can't empower something you don't understand. I have been in abusive relationships. I have had an abortion. I have placed a baby for adoption. I have struggled with mental illness and substance abuse. I have been married and divorced. I have children. I am a single mother. I have dealt with being rejected by my family. I have dealt with alternative sexuality and spirituality. I can relate to many women in many different ways, and it was only through making these mistakes and coming through them that I have been given the tools to assist others in stepping into the light. That's what I'm here for.
So anyway, I got 78 pages done, and I've just started. I can't wait for my family to read my rough draft. I feel like it will help them as much as anyone, because they still don't understand what motivated me or what went through my head. Maybe this will help them have more compassion. Maybe not, I don't know. But writing is cathartic for me, and I feel like I'm finally ending that chapter. I have a clear horizon in front of me -- and I'm charging forward valiantly, making a beautiful life for myself and my children!
Oh, yeah, so the picture. I know it's not that impressive a pose. The thing is, though, I've been doing it wrong this whole time. I did a very nice class on YogaGlo with Jo Tastula and she very clearly explained what should and should not be happening in that pose. It was such a wonderful session, I really feel great.
Whatever I did yesterday or the day before, I perhaps participated a little too enthusiastically or didn't honor my body and my limits. I pulled something in my right leg. Of course, I'm not going to take a break from yoga -- not on your life!
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