Hello! I haven't blogged in a while because the mouse for my computer is missing. I didn't think about using the laptop, but today I was using it to access the Gaia TV Conscious Cleanse and felt like blogging afterward. So I am.
So, about that. Today is the first new moon of 2016 and I am committed to renewal. I want to be better this year than I was last year. I want to improve my relationship, my health, and my satisfaction with life. This is the perfect time to start the cleanse.
I was going to do it before, but I got nervous because I noticed that at some point during the cleanse, you have to give up caffeine, alcohol, gluten, soy, dairy, eggs, and sugar. I thought, no way. But, it's only 2 weeks, not forever. I can do this.
Today's yoga practice was called "Happy Tummy". It was a half hour, a lot of ab work. I definitely felt it. Also, I got excited about yoga again! Yeah, I could do this every day! But not Ashtanga. Ashtanga gave me a great body and incredibly upped my vibration. It taught me commitment, dedication, and discipline. But there comes a time when you just have that feeling that something has served its purpose in your life, and this is that time for me. I'm not really a Type A person, not by nature. I needed to temporarily adopt that persona to get my life in order, to pull myself out of the slump I had been stuck in. I needed to be a soldier, a warrior, a fierce, stubborn, by-the-book, never give up, never say die, no excuses, exacting unrelenting striving achiever. Had I not drawn on that archetype, I'd never have escaped the circles and cycles I had become trapped in over my lifetime.
I can feel, though, that now is the time to return to me. I am ready. I am wiser, I am kinder, I am stronger, I am smarter. I am 33. I came here to make a difference. I am ready to stand up and be counted. I am done shrinking in the shadows. I am finished waiting, waiting, always waiting. For the perfect time, the perfect mood, the perfect weather, the perfect weight. I want to live intentionally and authentically.
I also feel a bazillion times better because we cleaned up the living space, as well. Everything that happens in life, even it it seems bad, is a blessing. CPS is investigating Andrew, and protocol states that they have to physically see each of his children to ensure their wellbeing. Tristan hasn't been there since before the school year started, but they still needed to come talk to him at school and see the home. Well, it was a disaster.
We were really nervous and felt a bit pressured, but we joined forces and went through this place like a determined whirlwind of cleanliness. It is 1000% better, and I can physically feel a difference. I feel lighter. I feel like actual clutter functions to also block energy and interfere with its flow. It was so depressing. It had gotten to the point where it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, and I was constantly overwhelmed with how much there was to do. But anyway, now that it's better, I aim to keep it that way. A little preventative maintenance is much easier than a complete overhaul.
As far as our relationship, it's been a little peculiar. We have had some of the best days we've ever had over the past few weeks, but they've been interspersed with absolute horror. I am trying to pinpoint the issue so I can isolate and analyze it, but it's difficult. I can see that tiny things often spiral out into ridiculously disproportionate apocalyptic scenes, but I am not always successful at getting off the track once I recognize that it leads to destruction. I try to put the brakes on, nip it in the bud, and sometimes he does too -- the problem is, we're not always both on board with letting go. Sometimes one person wants to cling stubbornly to the negativity, despite the fact that it serves no positive purpose. We both need to learn how to swallow our pride and focus on what matters. We love each other. We are perfect for each other. It would be a shame to throw it all away over deodorant or milk. Honestly.
My mood has been mostly good. I would say that a larger percentage of the time, I feel stable. The problem is that even though the unstable percentage is much smaller, it isn't any less intense feeling. I have had feelings of suicidal ideation, despair and hopelessness, intensity of sorrow. I will not ever kill myself, and I know this. There are just times that I feel like it's so hard to be here, and I'm so tired, and I just wish it were over. I didn't really deal with this last year, and the only difference that I can imagine would be yoga. So, we'll see if that starts to improve.
I haven't been drinking my smoothies for the past week, but that's starting again as well. I also stopped the matcha sometime around Wednesday, so no supplements either. Did one lead to the other, or vice versa, or both? Was it like a depression ouroboros? Lack of proper nutrition leads to depression, depression causes lack of motivation to tend to nutrition, which further fuels the depression, which further fuels the lack of energy or interest in eating correctly.
Joth and I have a date next week, I'm so excited! Sarah is doing my hair, and we're going to have a murder mystery dinner on a train, then afterwards we're going to this thing at the lower level of a local bar called "Taste of Kink". I mean, we've both already had more than a taste by this time in our lives and it's not either of our first rodeo. However, it would be really nice to be around other people doing something we both enjoy.
Speaking of, I'm feeling really ready to start up some type of meetup group. I want to find my people, connect, mingle, collaborate.
Well anyway, I'm going to keep this short because the kids are all here and I want to spend time with them. OMG, Jewel is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD!!!! We were going to go to a party at Elderberry today (family friendly) where they are launching flaming Christmas trees from a trebuchet, but the weather is supposed to get really awful tonight. We're going to watch movies instead. Last night, we had pizza and pop and ice cream cake. Okay, gotta go!
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