JANUARY 22
Oh my, I forgot to post yesterday and the day before!
Well, yesterday I was very tired. If my period is on time, it’ll be here
next week – which means that right now is PMS time. It’s so hard to
distinguish the PMS symptoms from the cleanse symptoms – I have so much wacky
stuff going on already that it took me a moment to notice PMS. But I did
break out, and yesterday I was ravenous – which is interesting when your
options can not include gluten, soy, dairy, eggs, sugar, caffeine, or
alcohol! I totally pigged out on unsweetened banana chips yesterday.
At first I thought they were disgusting because I was comparing them to the
sweetened ones. But when I started looking at them as a substitute for
potato chips, they magically became delicious! So even though I pigged
out, it was quinoa flax hot cereal, dried apricots, walnuts, an apple, a
container of banana chips, and the rest of the blue corn chips when I got
home. Plus my smoothie, of course. I went to bed early and feel
great today. Like, REALLY great. I was a little irritable yesterday
and the day before, today I’m not. But today I’m like a teenage boy…haha
scratch that. I suspect that when I am manic, my hypersexual thoughts
could put any adolescent to shame. I ran out of the elderberry tea, so I
manually just added the astragalus, turmeric, eleuthero, cinnamon, and ginger
today.
I am on my second round of Traditional Medicinals EveryDay
Detox tea. My super awesome glass water bottle already broke, but I knew
it would. When I order a new one, I’m going to get the silicone
sleeve. For now, I’m using a 16 oz plastic water bottle Joth got from
that Advocare thing. Did I talk about that? I can’t remember.
Anyway, his mom and brother are doing this MLM thing and got him involved in
it. I mean, to be honest, the products seem pretty cool. When I do
my next cleanse in April, I might buy one of theirs – but I am not going to
sell it. I’m just not that kind of person. Besides, the main drink
(Spark) has an artificial sweetener in it and I’m not really down with
that. Compared to other artificial sweeteners, it’s safer, but
still. (It’s sucralose). If they changed it to stevia, I’d be down
in a heartbeat.
So, on day 11, it was liquids only. I thought it would
be easy, but I was surprised at how much I craved chewing. I was full,
but not satisfied. I drank my smoothie , juice, and blended my veggie
soup I made the night before on the fruit and veggie only day. Did I blog
that day? I don’t remember. My memory and concentration are not
what they were when I used caffeine, that’s for damn sure. That’s really
the only drawback. Anyway, on the liquid only day, you could transition
out at the end of the day by using some protein. They recommended chicken
breast or nuts, so I assumed chewing was okay at that point. I gobbled
down a salad that Joth bought me like I hadn’t seen food in a decade. Oh,
it was so GOOD!
That’s one thing. I am appreciating flavors more, for
one. I am also more sensitive to things I have cut out, like if I taste
an artificial sweetener, I can taste it times ten. I would imagine that
when I return to a normal diet, that sugar will seem so much sweeter and
caffeine will have more of an impact. I don’t plan to go right back to
what I was doing, though – I’m going to incorporate the things I have learned
during this cleanse. Smoothie every day, drink more water, more fruits
and veggies. If I have a craving for sweet, reach for a date like I do
now, or another piece of fruit. Use natural sweeteners like honey and
maple syrup. Snack throughout the day instead of having a giant binge
session when I get home from work on unhealthy crap. And, yoga every day,
for sure.
I feel much better, but I don’t think I look any different
yet. This weight came on weirdly, and is being strangely stubborn.
I’ll stick with this, though. Then, family pictures in the spring,
getting MARRIED in the fall! Well, if everything can go according to
schedule. It may be winter but we’re shooting for equinox.
JANUARY 27
I wish I had kept up on this so I could
have done a better job illustrating whatever the hell just happened. As you can see, 5 days ago things were
great. They only continued to get
better. I noticed a profound change in
Joth, and I complimented him on it. He
wasn’t overreacting to things, blowing them out of proportion, being mean over
tiny things or holding grudges. He was
being more compassionate and quick to let it go. He seemed to be coming more from a place of
love than of self-righteousness. As of
yesterday, things were more wonderful than they ever had been. I naively thought we had overcome our
problems.
I was wrong, and I’m tired of being
wrong. I’m tired of being hurt and I’m
tired of being blamed. I’m tired of
being the bad guy. I’m tired of never
knowing which feeling is unacceptable for me to have, which words are banned
from being spoken. I don’t ever know
which rules we’re playing by today because they keep changing and I can never
win. I’m tired of being responsible for
his feelings and evil for having feelings of my own which he doesn’t approve
of. I have had it with the double
standards and hypocrisy. I’m over the
distortion and projection. I’m sick of
him twisting everything to fit his delusions of persecution. I’m tired of stepping ever so lightly on
these traps he has set up for me, gingerly tiptoeing through the minefield and
still having bombs explode in my fucking face.
I gave this everything I had. I changed, to the very core of my being. I overcame things I always thought were
bigger than me. For that, if nothing
else, I am so grateful for this relationship.
I have become a better person. I am
more confident and secure in who I am. I
am not the monster he would like to insist that I am, the scapegoat he would
like to make me be. I am a good
person. I have a loving heart. I try really hard and I give my best every
day. I don’t deserve to be crucified. We had everything. We had it all. We had so much love, our families were happy
with our relationship, we had so much in common, intense attraction for one
another (I think), appreciation of the other as a whole, extreme compatibility,
laughter, talking, snuggles, family. We
had everything. I don’t think it ever
would have been good enough. I don’t
think I ever would have been good enough.
If he wants to be upset, there’s nothing I can do to prevent him from
finding a way to be upset with me. Even
if I’m silent. Even if all I say is “I
love you”. I tried, last night. I didn’t even say anything wrong! He is keeping score, like three times I have
mortally wounded him and I should grovel at his feet until he deigns me worthy
to grant me the divine favor of his forgiveness.
Well GUESS WHAT? I’m NOT sorry because I didn’t do ANYTHING
WRONG. I am allowed to ask
questions. I am allowed to talk about
things. I did not use a rude tone or
rude words. I didn’t glare at him and
spit venom through gritted teeth – like he does to me. But it’s okay when he does it, somehow. He isn’t to blame for the hurtful way he’s
talked to ME because he can somehow make it all my fault. How he talks to me is my fault, and how he
erroneously interprets the way I talk to him is also my fault. NO IT ISN’T.
This is insane. This is
crazy. I feel like I’m living in a
nightmare and nothing makes any sense anymore.
I’m done believing that I’m a monster, I know better. I’m tired of my words being twisted. IT STOPS NOW.
And with that, I’m over it. Leaving it behind. I don’t have the energy to waste on this
petty nonsense. If he wants to be with
me, cool, but I’ll be damned if this is going to continue. Nothing in the world is worth this heartache
and drama. I’m not going to keep
extending the olive branch only to have it sharpened and jammed into my
heart. I don’t deserve this. I will walk away from this. I will not allow anyone to treat me this way,
not EVEN my soulmate. I will post later
about the end of the cleanse. The laptop
is broken and there are viruses on the computer so it may be a while.
Okay, Tom went to lunch so I’m going to add a little bit
more. Cleanse related, I feel really
great still. I got my hair done also,
which always makes me feel better about myself.
Sarah had to do extreme damage control because I got it done by someone
here in Battle Creek right before Thanksgiving and she screwed it all up. I can’t be as blonde as I was before as long
as we are living in a place with such rusty pipes, because it is turning my
hair orange. However, Sarah put some
highlights and lowlights in it to disguise the orange a little better, and also
got me some Malibu shampoo to clean the rust out weekly. After I got my hair done, Jewel and I went
out with my mom for lunch to celebrate Juju’s birthday. Mom gave her a 20 dollar bill, so after
lunch, Juju asked me to bring her to the oriental store to get Japanese candy.
That store is so cool!
I got some astragalus tea and some stamina tea (ginseng, eleuthero,
green tea). I could have spent so much
more there – I’m a little glad that I didn’t have more money with me. A few habits I have maintained even after the
cleanse are water, green smoothies, and no coffee. I know, right! I will drink it on weekends, but it’s amazing
to me what quitting coffee has done for me.
I never thought I could survive without it, but I have discovered a
reserve of natural energy that I never could have imagined I could access
without a stimulant. I feel great, why
would I go back to the quadruple latte in the morning and giant can of Monster
at lunch???
I haven’t done yoga in a couple days, only because I don’t
have a big enough screen right now. I
suppose I could do Ashtanga. Joth
dropped his laptop, and even though he and Scott got it “kind of” working, it
won’t play the videos from Gaia. I’m
listening to some Teal Swan videos right now about how to resolve conflict and
express emotions. I can’t give up. I won’t give up. As long as Joth is willing, and I know that I
am, I have to believe that we can rise above this. We CAN.
If it couldn’t work between us, who in the world could have any hope at
all????
I messaged the guy a few days ago about the tritium
rings. I’m so excited!!!! Joth’s sister in law and her kids are staying
downstairs for the next few weeks, and when I met her, she asked if we were
getting married. Joth and I looked at
each other awkwardly because even though we have been planning on it, we hadn’t
formally announced it to our families. I
didn’t know if he would be upset if I told her, so I let him take the
lead. So now, his mom and sister in law
know, and I guess one of them told his brother.
We are thinking Imbolc next year, because it gives us more time so we’re
not stressed and rushing. Plus, it will
be cold so a great time to get a way to AZ.
Also, Imbolc is a fire festival, so we were thinking we could have fire
performers. Yeah!!! This could be SO COOL. Okay, well I suppose I should end for real
this time. Ta ta!
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