Magic Brewing :)

“Our friends will all make fun of us, and we’ll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way; and by the time that we are through, Delilah I can promise you, the world will never ever be the same…”

*sigh*  I suppose I should update.  There are great improvements in the relationship area, and I really have a lot of hope for us.  I know I was frustrated yesterday, but when I got home (although he was still upset from our fight), Joth was kind to me.  He didn’t treat me with coldness or disdain, he used his words to communicate his feelings (“Just so you know, I’m still feeling hurt.  If I seem distant, that’s why” Etc)  In turn, I didn’t feel a panicked rush to just move past it and let it go, I honored the time he needed to process his emotions, and I didn’t feel impatient and then angry at it not happening at my pace.  Really, I was amazed.  He constantly surprises and impresses me, and I feel so fortunate to be with him.  Life is good.  In that aspect.

 

On the other hand.  I am leaving work in an hour to meet with Tristan’s teachers because he has begun having behavior issues.  I am trying so hard not to rush immediately to panic mode and assume that it’s going to be last year, all over again.  Flashes of police, and leaving work, and CPS, and that hopeless helpless feeling of being ill-equipped to deal with whatever drives my child to act this way.  I really thought that was fixed.  He was student of the month!  What HAPPENED???  How do we get things back to good?  I was much angrier about this earlier, but I’ve calmed down.  Joth had to go pick him up from school because he was swearing and destroying property.  WHYYYYYYY.  He isn’t abused, we don’t use physical discipline.  He hasn’t been to his dad’s since August.  I thought we were GOOD.  I feel like I’m right back to square one.

 

But, this time I have more knowledge and wisdom.  I have a kind, conscious, supportive partner who loves my son and wants the best for him too.  Maybe this time we can really find the place that needs healing and offer what he needs to get over this in a healthy way.  Maybe all hope is not lost.  I have those books by Dr. Shefali Tsabury, I think I’m going to read them again and make a real, committed attempt at providing what my child needs to grow and heal and learn and develop.  Maybe aikido will help, too.  And maybe if we start meditating.  I can look at this as an opportunity rather than a roadblock.  And won’t we all be better when we have conquered it?  We have reiki, hypnosis, CBT, meditation, and yoga at our disposal.  Why don’t we use all the tools we have as a testament to how lives can be changed with this approach?  Really, if you look at it, this challenge is a gift.  And I am thankful for it.  <3

 

I’ve been researching beekeeping.  I’m going to do it, it’s decided.  I actually think I’ve been meant to do this for a long time, and I’m really excited.  I am going to get one hive this summer.  I so love that Joth, even though he doesn’t like bees, is supportive.  Bees have never stung me (but once, when I stepped on one); I like them, they seem to follow me en masse wherever I go (I don’t mean in a swarm, they just come to my house).  I love the sisterhood and the way they live.  I make beauty products with honey and beeswax.  One of my favorite Tori Amos songs (and albums, at that) is The Beekeeper.  It’s time, and I am so happy about it!

 

Joth did a coaching thing for us last night, he is really good at it!  It’s amazing how much more achievable it makes goals.  We decided to work on strengthening friends/community, which in turn will nurture our fun/recreation and our relationship because we’ll both be happier.  I really think things are coming together for us.  I sense magic brewing  ;)

OH MY GODDESS!!!  It IS!  I am listening to Tori right now, Shyloh recommended that I check out Boys for Pele.  It's an album I never listened to before.  So, I am.  Right after I posted this entry, the song Mohammed My Friend came on (that Maynard James Keenan does with her, SOOO cool by the way but that's another topic).  I was listening to the lyrics....like oh...my...I had to Google them to be sure.  It's confirmed.

"Muhammad my friend
I'm getting very scared
Teach me how to love my brothers
Who don't know the law
And what aobut the deal on the flying
Trapeze got a peanut butter hand
But honey do drop in at the
Dew Drop Inn

Sweet sweet
Between the boys and the bees"