Frostbite

First of all, I am in love.  I definitely believe Joth to be my twin flame and all of that, however it's been a year and a half and there's always some reason why I'm sexually unfulfilled, it always changes but it always comes down to me (of course).  That's fine, it can be my fault, let it be my fault.  The bottom line is, I've done everything I can and I'm still not satisfied.  This may come down to a fundamental incompatibility.  Some people may be okay with it; I'm not.  I talked to Joth about having an open relationship and he doesn't want to do it.  No matter what else we have going for us, how many other things are perfect (and I know they are), if our sex life is this dismal, I can't do it.

I don't understand how someone who loves you and claims to be attracted to you can lie next to you in bed all weekend and never feel an urge to make love to you.  I used to take it personally, but I know it's not me.  This has never happened to me before.  I get plenty of attention from males and females alike -- just, sadly, not from the only one I'm interested in.  So what do you do?  Spend your life miserable, unfulfilled?  My bitterness and resentment grows, and eventually it spills out like such toxic waste, corroding the other formerly perfect aspects of our relationship.  Everything works in conjunction.  Each area of our relationship feeds off the other.  If one is dysfunctional, it won't be long before the others follow suit, and in fact I see this happening now.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my wedding dress can't be ordered yet and I haven't heard back about the rings which I tried to order Sunday.  I think it would be wise for me to rethink this decision.  Could I spend the rest of my life like this?  I read that if you don't love someone exactly as they are in this very moment, you shouldn't be with them.  You shouldn't love someone for who you hope they could be someday.  And that's true.  It isn't fair to him for me to stay here in hopes that one day it will be what I want.  If it isn't now, I owe him the opportunity to be with someone else.

I haven't gotten my W2 yet from Charter, and I had planned to spend my tax refund on wedding stuff.  I should probably fix my car.  I should probably fix a lot of things, actually.  I should think about this a lot.  I know I'm PMSing now so every tiniest slight feels like a mortal wound.  I know that I am probably not as logical as I believe myself to be right now.  I even recognize that what I'm looking at may be something else entirely, and it's possible that I may not have the slightest clue.  I don't want t0 damage something precious, but I'm dying inside.  

Well anyway I have to make my smoothie and get ready for work, and get Tristan for school.  I'll write more later, at work probably.

PART 2

Well, Tom just went to lunch, so I guess I will add some stuff.  First of all, I am legitimately depressed right now.  Even if we aren’t talking about my mood, which has had a few okay points, it is physically undeniable.  I can barely make my fingers work to type.  Energy just isn’t flowing.  My brain is moving slowly.  I keep staring at my computer screen and can’t summon the energy necessary to do my job.  I took a nap yesterday and went to bed early, and by 5 am, I had had enough sleep.  However, I am still tired.  No amount of sleep can cure this fatigue.  I’m tired all the way to my soul. 

 

I’m not sorrowful depressed.  That kind of depressed I almost welcome, because I feel at least ALIVE.  Angsty, sure, but flowing with FEELING.  Right now, I feel indifferent.  Numb.  Apathetic.  Nothing sounds fun, nothing is interesting.  Don’t want to read, nothing appealing to watch, not interested in talking, don’t care about anything really.  I’m just existing, imprisoned by these restless emotions which cannot be satiated.  I am unsatisfied in general with life, but it comes from inside me, therefore no external changes can remedy this situation.  It is hopelessly dreary.  I’m just trying to get through it.  I feel anesthetized.  I want to wake up.  I want to find joy, or even pain.  I want to feel.

 

I’m listening to Pandora right now and Evanescence “Lithium” just came one.  Probably a coincidence.

 

Speaking of, I was looking for friends on Saturday because I felt horribly lonely.  Joth felt distant and I craved connection.  It occurred to me that Craigslist has a “strictly platonic” personals section, so I decided to check it.  Really, it was crazy.  Because the first ad I clicked on was….a guy with…an organic bee farm….!!!  It gets better.  He also makes natural skin care products with the beeswax, honey, and propolis.  And he sells hives – so right there, I found my mentor and supplier!  And hopefully a FRIEND!  How crazy is that???  Also, he is an energy healer.  But that’s probably coincidental too.  J  I’m sure I’ll be much more excited about this when the feeling returns.  Luckily, I’m rapid cycling.  Probably the only reason I’m still alive.